disconnected

[Hoffnung12]

It's hard to connect with others. And, whenever I do, it doesn't feel real, never connected. It feels like I am always apart. Even from myself. And not right and welcome in this world. I had wrong friendships, tried hard to have contacts and didn't choose wisely in the past. The only good contact: my therapist, and some people from the helping system. Professionals. Better than nothing, I am glad to have them.

[saylor]

I feel disconnected, too. It's very hard. Rejection for being an oddball, shame for saying the wrong things, needing to talk with someone but being afraid of other people (because I'm so easily triggered)...I hear you.

We have a community here of kindhearted, safe folks. Please know you're not alone

[Kizzie]

I feel the same Hoffnung although here I don't (although I used to) and with professionals/acquaintances I'm more comfortable now.  Anything closer than that though and I start to feel I am different, will be rejected, feel disconnected from myself, etc., all of which I now know means danger that I am getting too close to something that really hurts.

I know there's a lot of actual rejection/abandonment in my past under that so I'm just trying to let myself feel the resistance and discomfort in little doses so it's not too much.  It seems to have worked with letting some people closer so it makes me think it may work with letting people even closer over time.     

[Hoffnung12]

Thank you.
Those Trigger always really hurts, and to be close to s.o. everyday is hard. I mean, I just would like to have a normal day with good experiences that I can use against the bad. Being triggered is always very exhausting. It is hard to know that I am social and I need people in my life. I still don't think it is that great, zu be honest.

[Kizzie]

It is hard I know Hoffnung12 and despite that here you are reaching out     

Just my opinion, but if you look at that it seems you are ready to connect a bit more and that seems like progress to me.  By taking a risk and talking here you're finding out like I did you're not the only one who feels as you do, that feeling disconnected & different is a symptom of your trauma rather than you as a person. 

See, we just connected and I didn't reject you   

[LucySnowe]

I relate, Hoffnung12. Loneliness and the way our condition makes connection—and lack of connection—is very hard. You're not alone. 🤝