Life Events = Excruciating pain

[Windflower]

Hi everyone. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this struggle. Why are major life events (marriage, birth, moving, graduation, etc) so extremely painful? Whether they are for myself or someone I love I struggle so much when those things happen because it raises all this crap in my heart and the 'best' most exciting events are the hardest times I have ever had to go through.

A little background... I grew up with a narcissistic father and codependent mother. Dad was the angry controlling abuser. So self absorbed he sounded insane when he'd go off on his tangents all the time. Mom used me as a surrogate spouse/friend, asking me advice and depending on my for comfort every day for hours. Plus being depended on for helping with most of the house chores and basically doing all the outdoor manual labor (was a small farm). I was homeschooled so there was literally no escape. No friends. No one at all to help. I'm leery of labeling things too much but it pretty much felt like captivity with mental torture all day every day followed by the most hellish nights of self destruction and nightmares. No break and no one to help me.

Fast forward to now, I'm not doing so well. In so much pain I cannot sit with it. Averaging 5-6 nightmares every single night. Relapsing into very destructive urges. Barely able to eat. Still working full time but so exhausted it is extremely difficult.

Which brings me to my question. A good friend I trust share this stuff with is in labor having her second child as I write this. I am so excited for her. Truly. But from the moment she told me she was pregnant to this moment every time we talk about it it just amplifies this pain inside of me so strongly it scares me. And I don't know why or how to explain it so it's really bothering me.

Also my brother is getting married and it's the same thing... I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the wedding even though I'm so happy for him. That one makes a little more sense cause my brother was very rebellious and left home before he ever saw the worst of what went on while I was growing up, and he ended up with a family who love him and support him and help him with the baggage he does have from my parents. So while I'm happy for him, it hurts so so much to see that and know I never got anything like that. At the wedding, the family who sorta adopted him are the wedding party. And my parents will be there. So there's that.

But it's everything like that and I don't understand. It's marriage and weddings and births and big things in general they are just so hard to get through. Can somebody help me put it to words cause I feel awful. I just want to be happy for these people.

[Rainagain]

Could it be that you feel slightly numb/detached from 'normal' life events?

I feel that way, set apart by experiences from normality so its awkward to try to join in as I dont feel it really.

[woodsgnome]

I experience this. Opportunities to be part of 'live' happenings are very limited, partly by choice to live very isolated in a rural area, plus my general people phobias. I'm totally NC with the couple remaining FOO as well.

However, I have established some contacts with certain events that I can experience vicariously via internet. But were I to do so in person I know I'd feel awkward and painful as well. Interestingly, my public persona is sociable enough that others don't seem to notice my isolation as much as I feel it.

And yet I do feel a certain joy for those activities I see, even at a distance. The hard part remains the ever-present backstory (cptsd) that plagues my thoughts -- starting with the notion (partially self-imposed as hinted before) that I just don't belong, that while I feel happy for others, it just doesn't apply to me. It's hard to accept and much harder to get past. I believe I can but there's this reluctance to accept that ability; feel like I'm just not good enough. Reaching a happy medium is tricky and involves the self-love, self-compassion many of us struggle so hard with.

[Windflower]

Could it be that you feel slightly numb/detached from 'normal' life events?

I feel that way, set apart by experiences from normality so its awkward to try to join in as I dont feel it really.

Good point. I am definitely disconnected from 'normal' stuff. Could be part of it thanks.

[Windflower]

woodsgnome: Yea that backstory you mentioned could be part of it. When I'm at those events I do feel extremely out of place.