After thirty years a family secret came forth.

[Heart]

My childhood was a very lonely place. Many contradictions were true. Like for ex I was the only girl among four brothers. So it looked like I was wanted. Nope. I was the youngest so I should have been pampered with.  Nope. We lived in a "safe" country but I wasn't.  We lived in a house  but I perceived it as a camp of bad sort. And so on.
I was the sg and the lc. Starved for food and positiv attention. Beaten by both words, feelings, and fists. The sexual abuse started with my "so called" b2 and the following year my M b = u. started.
Life made no sense in any which way I turned.  And no adult ever intervened to help. Clothes that were holes in them. Too large . Not right for the season. At twelve I was picked up by my boyfriend in his car...
In 1989 ( I was 23) I told my p and b's about the abuse by their son/brothers.
And that resulted in me being excluded from the family for thirty years.  (Or..since then...)

The one b3 that had been closest to me was wrongly imprisoned. And I thought that it would change things if I would help him.
I made judicial history in my country.
And he was granted a new trial after more than one decade in prison.
A few days later my m died.
On that very night my youngest b4 told me that b234 had all been sexually assaulted by a man. This happens just as I was raped the first time.

Why, why did they not tell me?  Why did they take part in excluding me? Why?
It feels like a new assault.
Don't understand how I should feel about it.
It is such a coward behaviour on their behalf.
Am I wrong?   

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. I empathize deeply as it sounds much like my own.

I'm sorry you feel betrayed by their withholding of information. This makes me wonder who I hurt by not telling others about my experiences. I also never told anyone about my own rapes until after I was an adult. Never told anyone about the molestation my sibling inflicted on me. These things are so filled with shame for most, if not all, victims of sexual abuse that it makes it quite difficult to relate these experiences to others. And males perhaps have an even more difficult time, if I understand correctly what I've heard other male rape victims relate.

It's shocking to hear this from your brothers, I know. I hope you all can have compassion for each other and find support for and from each other.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry to hear about that Heart! Ouch, that must really hurt.

I don't think you're wrong to feel hurt or to ask yourself why they excluded you for revealing your truth, or rather the truth. I also don't think there are any 'shoulds' to feelings. They are there whether we agree with them or not.

It's possible that at the time you spoke up about 30 years ago b234 were repressing their memories and/or not feeling capable of feeling into any of that. In my experience this family stuff is very messy and sometimes very unhelpful stuff takes place e.g. siblings comparing "my stuff was worse than yours" or "I am over it all, why aren't you?" or even "you're destroying FOO by not letting go". If I read correctly b2 was one of your abusers, b3 and b4 might have had some sense of loyalty towards him and wouldn't listen to you. I'm not saying they would've been correct to act that way but families where abuse takes place - in my experience they're just so messed up, so incomprehensible that I can't wrap my head around it.

For me it's been really, really important to get compassion as well as witnesses to my pain and anger outside FOO, e.g. on here but also in therapy. I learnt the hard way not to hope for compassion or support from my brothers or anybody else in FOO. So, I'm sending you a ton of compassion and  if it feels safe for you.

[Heart]

 Thank you TR and Blueberry your compassion fills my heart. I can definitely understand that sexual assault on boys by adult men carries a heavy load. My heart is devastated on their behalf. Bcz at the time we were 7,9, 11, and the "so called " b was 12. That our p were soooo busy to have a life that they were oblivious to their five children's needs. The perp found an easy target. 

And in - 89 we were in our 20's. 
But then we have the 30's, 40's and 50's and now going on 60's... I guess it's a uncomfortable thing...the truth?
I guess I am just angry bcz I never had the privilege of denial. And from my lonely standpoint it simply doesn't seem to be fair.

But I will think about what you said Blueberry.  "They are so messed up, it's incomprehensible..."
But the sweet thought of TR...no that is never going to happen. I am excluded from the family.  They are too dangerous to be around. I don't think I can survive another blow from them.

So thankful for you sharing, unfortunately, our memories. But also the way to speak out.
Where are we allowed to do that in peace? And I will recieve your 

[Blueberry]

I am excluded from the family.  They are too dangerous to be around. I don't think I can survive another blow from them.

ime this type of realisation was heart-wrenchingly painful but has also led to me being better able to protect myself from FOO and learn to turn my back on them, not give them so much headspace, hope less for any kind of decent behaviour from them towards me. It sounds as if you're way on that road already. It's a way to heal.

On the forum we have Letters of Recovery, where I've done a lot of speaking out directly towards FOO. That's often pretty cathartic. So here there is safe space to do it in peace. 

[Heart]

 Thank you for your encouragement Blueberry.
I haven't had a peek there yet...thought I wasn't ready for that. But I will definitely have a look.
Speaking towards them would be a nightmare in RL, but I can imagine that you are accurate to say that it is cathartic! 
And then some...
Grateful for your insights.