Here goes nothing! TW sa sh

[HannahL]

I was sexually abused by 3 people between the ages of 5 and 8. 1 of them on their own and the other 2 together, taking photos. I hate to think that someone might still have photos of me, it makes me feel sick with shame. When I was 10 I was raped again by someone else, just the once but it was almost worse than all the other times put together. It solidified things for me. That this was what my life would always be. It was actually the last time I was abused but I sort of formed my identity around this vulnerability. As the years passed I learnt to pretend that none of it had ever happened. I formed another version of me. Now I'm older I'm finally merging both parts of myself back together and learning to accept the child part of myself that was taken advantage of. I've self harmed more times than I can remember and been in hospital for most of those times. Some days, when I'm plagued with memories which I can't control, I wonder how I'm ever meant to survive and I wonder if it's fair that other people should expect me to keep living.  I have no plans to end my life because I know the suffering it would cause my family but it feels nice to imagine it sometimes. It's also not fair on my family because they have no idea about the abuse which took place. I'm feeling selfish and want someone to read this and tell me that it's ok. Whatever 'it' is.

[Not Alone]

Hannah,
I feel so sad for what you experienced. I also was SA and I know how devastating (the word does not seem strong enough) it is. Sometimes the pain is so great, so unbearable, that any relief is sought. No magic wands. No magic pills. I wonder if the thoughts of ending your life, which you said you won't do, is a strong desire or a picture of the pain being gone. I don't think you are being selfish. I think that you are really hurting.

[saylor]

Dear Hannah, I'm so sorry that you experienced those horrors. You're not being selfish—you're feeling what's natural to feel after such abjectly disruptive traumas, and trying to get some grounding and peace after all these years. It's ok to feel whatever you feel. I wish there were something magic I could say to make all the pain go away. We're here for you. You're safe here

[Kizzie]

I so sorry about all that you went through Hannah and understand all too well the feeling of just wanting the pain to end, a lot of us here do sadly. The interesting thing about connecting with others who do understand and talking about it can lessen the pain and make living more comfortable.  I hope this is true for you.    

FWIW I think there are face-to-face groups/orgs for CSA so perhaps if/when you are ready you could build a support network that way also.

[MoonBeam]

***TW***
Hannah, I read your post and you are not selfish for feeling the way you do. It is justifiable to hold SI as an out. Something you technically have control over when it feels like nothing else was/is in our control. I get it.

I can relate to so much of your post. SA by multiple perps starting as far back as 3 that I remember. I too wonder if photos are out there. I too was violently raped at 15 after the other SA stopped when I was 14 and I felt exactly the same as you describe, that somehow it just proved that everything that had happened up to that point was because I deserved it. "That this was what my life would always be."

I SH-ed when I was a teen. For me, it focused the pain I was feeling. it gave me something tangible that I could see. It did also serve as a tool for self punishment, which is the most unfortunate piece for me, but all part of living through the kind of trauma we lived through. When I began to merge the parts of self, as I too had pretended for years that it never happened and created an identity that was functional, but I know now so empty, I became that hurt, scared, child, that hurt, scared, self-hating teen.  All of the flashbacks, the body memories, the dark pit of despair, oh so much pain, came back like it was before, like no time had passed. I began to SH again as an adult. It terrified me. I also became suicidal again.  Just, I have family too, and I didn't want to hurt them either.

I'm writing so much of my story here and apologize for the length, but I really want you to know you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. You survived terrible things that never should have happened. With the help of a good T and one other support person--my one friend, and the love and support from others on these boards, I became brave enough to let teen me speak. To let her be seen and heard. Little by little I began to see that none of what happened was her fault, that she was lovable and should have been cared for. I had never told my story to anyone because I was afraid and ashamed. Something happens when we understand we are not alone in this, when we trust that someone else understands and cares enough about us to walk through this with us, like Kizzie posted.

I did not need to SH again once I let teen me speak. I just kept showing up, just clinging to anything I could that meant surviving. I realized that since I survived then, I could survive now. That I wanted more than to survive. That I wanted a life. That was my toughest decision and one I make every day and it  does get easier, it gets better. I began to feel relief. I began to learn what self-compassion felt like. Compassion--something I felt deeply for the suffering of others. I now see myself as worthy of compassion too. I have found, and I never thought I would, that I do exist underneath or outside of the trauma I experienced. I was buried for a long time, but I was still there and it became worth it to me, to find out where and who I am.

I hope this is helpful Hannah and doesn't feel preachy. I write it most humbly and from my heart.  Thank you for posting. It helps me so much  to know I'm not alone either and to know deeply that we are all worthy of care, of recovery, of reclaiming what was lost to us.

[Kizzie]

Well said Moonbeam!   

[HannahL]

I've read these replies quite a few times now and they make me feel so accepted and not alone. I can't believe I didn't find a group like this sooner, your words are incredibly cathartic. Thank you so so much.

[MoonBeam]

 

[Kizzie]