Damaged

[arale]

I'm looking at others and envying how they can have a "normal" full-time job, handling lots of business and people every day. I can't do what they can do, and I envy the success, recognition, and (the imagined) self-confidence that they have. Good news is that recently, I finally understood that I am in my situation because I get triggered each time I am in contact with people - self-doubt, judgment, hypervigilance, etc. So, at least I know why I am where I am. I am less frustrated. And now, I'm in the phase of feeling damaged - and because I was damaged in my early relationships, I cannot become the person I wish to be.

Sure, I imagine that many of these "normal"-looking "successful" people are probably damaged too and are damaging others along the way, unconsciously transmitting their traumas. At one point, I might be appeased by that thought. But right now I feel angry  because of the injustice of having been damaged.

[Three Roses]

The experiences you've had were totally unfair. No one should have been put through all that. You didn't deserve it, nor the position you find yourself in, being triggered to the point of not being able to interact as you'd like.

I know you feel damaged (I also feel damaged), and although the causes of our damage happened early on in our lives, I do still believe we can achieve healing. We have suffered injury; but we ourselves are still capable of pursuing - and achieving - our hopes and dreams.

I read a story about a young man who had his legs amputated at about 1 year of age. He now is in college and is on his school's track team. He will never have his real legs back, but he's still achieving his goals. This is how I see myself. Yes, I've had injury and may have had my course in life altered. But I can take a detour and enjoy scenery that others who stay on the main path will miss.

But, I'm still very sorry you went through all that damage and chaos. 

[arale]

Thank you, Three Roses, for seeing me. I continue to be amazed at how much being seen heals. With deep gratitude,

[Blueberry]

I saw and read your post too arale, I just didn't comment. Wasn't too sure what to say. With continued healing, I feel less damaged maybe. But if you see the number of posts of mine on the Employment board, you'll see it's a huge topic for me too.

[MoonBeam]

Arale, thanks for posting this.  I sat with the word "damaged" for a moment after reading this, feeling into it. That is how I've felt my entire life. I suppose to varying degrees, some degrees more functional than others for sure, but always damaged, broken, no good, useless, thrown out. Often, I felt like there was no hope for repair, too broken, too damaged.

I never felt angry about that, just more worthless. I think that would be a healthy shift for me, to feel angry that something so precious was taken from me--my future me, brave and strong, confident and whole. I think you're on it though, as you posted you understand the why now--that you were injured and things that seem easy for others are extremely difficult for those of us who were injured. Makes so much sense to feel "damaged."

I appreciate what 3R and Blueberry have added, it gives me hope. I can say too, that the more I understand that I was injured, the more I understand that I am a human being, worthy of love and care (and that has taken time and is still very much in process), I feel less broken, that repair in some ways, perhaps in may ways is possible and is beginning to happen. I didn't believe it was possible before.