Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Bach]

When I think about putting words to what is troubling me, it seems ridiculous. Incredibly minor.  But, I am falling. Falling down a bottomless canyon. There are branches being held out to me, but they are too far away. I have a branch in my hand, but it is broken. It did not support my weight and now I am falling. Falling. Falling.

It's interesting to me that you describe how you feel this way.  I have been feeling this way too.  Falling.  Exactly that.  Mostly, I'm afraid to even say so because my situation is so good compared to a lot of people.  I feel guilty and selfish for being so wrapped up in my distress when I am safe, comfortable and well-fed while others are facing such dire circumstances.  I wish that there was something I could say to help, but really, all I can offer you is gratitude for saying what I have been unable to.

I'm sorry that Hope now feels Hopeless.  Strangely enough, it is my littles who have been keeping me going.  We are collaborating on a self-care project.  I got a simple app for keeping track of a variety of household and self-care tasks by the day, week, and month, and we made a list of long-term goals that we can work on a little at a time each day or week or month.  The littles are responding really well to that because doing things five minutes at a time means nothing gets overwhelming, and they love being able to check the boxes.  Even though my mood has been both low and agitated, I feel that I've been doing a good job of keeping the children safe without making them feel doomed.  I asked them what they needed and asked them to help me with it.  I have found that although the children want to be taken care of, they also want to help.  It's hard to explain, but somehow it has been very powerful in keeping me from totally losing it. 

[Not Alone]

Bach,

I feel guilty and selfish for being so wrapped up in my distress when I am safe, comfortable and well-fed while others are facing such dire circumstances.

Yes, I feel like this too. My T told me that the feeling of endlessness and no-way-out is a reenactment of childhood. When I look at the world or even facebook (really limiting that) I also think I should be grateful and at peace. But inside I am still falling. I guess the cPTSD stuff is just as real, but not being concrete or seen makes it harder to accept and not self-condemn.

I love that your Littles are helping you with the self-care. I want to send them real stickers to put on a chart (showing my age  ), but this will have to do. These are for your Littles, full of love.
               

Snowdrop & San,
Even after 2 sleeping pills I couldn't sleep last night. I was bombarded with images and feelings. Felt myself continuing to fall. I pictured your angels with me and it was a comfort. Thank you for your love and that beautiful picture. I drew a picture of myself falling and I am going to add the angels.
For my spiritual walk, the Bible is important and this verse came to mind.
Psalm 91:11-12 New International Version (NIV)
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

[Not Alone]

I am doing better. Not feeling like I'm falling. Not feeling like I'm not going to make it. Trying to take one day at a time and not get too far into the future.

Hope is back to being "Hope" (not "Hopeless"). She hung on through April, waiting to be able to tell her abuse to T in person. Now that won't happen in May (still no contact). Really hard. Just writing that I feel the incredible weight of that burden of holding on day by day. . . then, nope, need to hold on for AT LEAST another 31 days. Heavy, heavy weight.

T talked to Hope about what would help her get through each day. I will try to take a walk with Hope when weather permits. I will try to read a story to her and the other Littles. I started this a bit ago and haven't followed through. I told Hope that every day she could choose a sticker to put in my journal. (Bach, that idea probably came from what you're doing with your Littles.)

One day at a time. And as San reminded me, breathe.

Thank you everyone for being there for me this week.

[woodsgnome]

Good to hear you've broken the fall. Doubly great to know that Hope is again able to be a part of soothing out the rough ride you encountered. May both of you, and all your Littles, keep following along those little steps ... someday they'll seem huge, starting with ... today.

for Notalone and  for Hope

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Woodsgnome. 

Having a hard day. When I woke up this morning, Hope had been thinking about/dreaming about telling T about her abuse. She was reliving parts of it. Also, T gave me some homework, which I did yesterday. It has left me feeling a little sad and also vulnerable. Part of me feels like I probably did it wrong and will be in trouble. Not sure where that's coming from. In my wildest imagination, I can't see my T reacting negatively, even if I completely misunderstood what he said.

Also, something happened at work, leaving me feeling horrible. I dread going in on Tuesday.

Feeling sad.

Hope would like you to know that so far the stickers she has chosen are: the word "hope," a big sun, and a tea set.

[Bach]

Hi Hope 
From Middle B and Little B

[Snowdrop]

I hope it goes ok at work, Notalone. I'm thinking of you, and I'm there beside you, every step of the way.

Those stickers sound great! Here is another sun for Hope . It's extra shiny.

[Not Alone]

Middle B and Little B: Hello from Hope. 
Snowdrop, Hope says thank you for the sun sticker.

Work went okay. Appreciate your thoughts and for standing by me.

[sanmagic7]

glad work went ok. also glad hope is back to hope, rather than hopeless.

good bible verse for the angel wings - i love angel wings.  they've kept me going so many times . . .

one day at a time.  that's all you and hope have to do, just get from today till tomorrow.  that's all.  when tomorrow becomes today, just get to one more tomorrow.  31 days can be too much to bear.  set your sights on tomorrow, ok?

love and hugs

[Not Alone]

San, thank you for your lovely thoughts. We are trying to take one day at a time, but sometimes we think ahead and then feel overwhelmed and like we're falling.

A friend brought me a crate of children's stories.  I read to Hope and other Littles tonight. Another friend send Hope an encouraging card and stickers.

[sanmagic7]

stickers and stories - what a great combo!  i don't doubt hope will enjoy those.

i get the whole deal w/ looking too far ahead.  unless i can find a solution, compromise, assertion, whatever to something like that, where i feel comfortable w/ a possible outcome, i also work at being more in the present than in the future.  it does seem more manageable.  good for you for keeping that in mind! 

hug to hope , hug to you  and love to both.   

[Not Alone]

Feeling very unmotivated today. I really need to clean the house, at least vacuum. It would be good if I sewed a couple more masks for family members. I did manage to go for a walk. Just feel depleted.

[Bach]

 

[Not Alone]

Thanks for the hug, Bach. Hugging you back. 

Yesterday I gave myself the goal to clean the foyer, just a small area. Felt good that I got that done and then was able to do a little bit more. Finished vacuuming the house today.

Grateful to be with my husband and kids today. We looked at dvd photos from when the kids were young. My past was fairly buried back then and I was pretty functional. I do believe that overall my kids have positive memories of their growing-up years. Certainly my past has affected me and leaked out in my mothering, but I think that they grew up in a pretty healthy atmosphere. The chain of abuse goes back many generations in my family.

B  R  O  K  E  N

[Snookiebookie2]

Notalone,

Well done on achieving your goal that you set for yourself.  And it seems you did more on top of that too!  It's important to recognize when we do well.

And more importantly, well done on BREAKING that chain.  As a parent myself I am striving on doing this too.  my family home has been dysfunctional until recently.   Peace is slowly breaking out due to steps that I have needed to take to heal.  But in doing so, I have realized that my daughter should not have the dysfunction passed to her.

I commend you if your children have positive memories and had a healthy atmosphere.   This is an awesome achievement.