Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Snowdrop]

You definitely made the right decision, Notalone. It was a kindness to you and your parts. Well done.

[Not Alone]

Hope & Snowdrop, your affirmation is helpful. I am continuing to need to be assertive and say no to working more. Internally I battle to do what is kind to myself and my Littles and to do so without feeling guilty.

There was more I was going to write, but Part is resistant, so I will hold off.

[Not Alone]

Getting through the evening with icecream. . . xanax. . . icecream. . . wine. . . icecream. Yep, all that. Oh yeah, a bunch of candy too.

I have stuff--awful stuff-- that I need to tell my therapist. I need to tell him IN PERSON, not this internet garbage. If I knew it would end, that there would be a time when I will see him in person again, I could hold on. But I keep hoping, then no; hoping, then no. I can't keep doing this. It seems a minor thing. Why does it make me feel so crazy? I feel like I am going to be left alone with all this bad stuff, forever alone with it. I can't think clearly. Can't just say, "how do I make the best of this?" It makes me feel C  R  A  Z  Y. Why can't I just deal with this?

[Not Alone]

Spent the morning curled in a ball on my bed, back against the headboard. Everything is whirling around. Every noise goes through me like an icicle. Frozen. Useless.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry, Notalone. You're not useless. I know it feels like this is going on forever, but it will end. It will. Hang in there, dear friend.

Sending you lots of love, hugs and soft blanket.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, thank you for your care. Your love, hugs and blanket help. I appreciate hearing this will end. In truth, it is hard for me to believe that.

I am in a better place now. The distress of online therapy is still with me, but I am not overwhelmed by it right now.

[Blueberry]

Hey notalone, it's so good to hear you're in a better place than yesterday. I second Snowdrop in saying that this will end. 

[owl25]

Glad you're doing better, notalone.

[Snowdrop]

Pleased to hear it, Notalone.

[Bach]

Here with you with empathy and understanding, and admiration for you besieged but indomitable spirit. Lots of love and hugs 

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, Owl, Snowdrop, Bach; you are each so wonderful. I am grateful to have you in my life.

[owl25]

Big hugs, notalone

[Tee]

  notalone I'm sorry your struggling with tellA health Therapy. I refused and pleaded to go see my T luckily she was able to keep a few clients face to face. I did have to miss a few weeks which was hard cause of covid but I totally get it this is a hard time for everyone.  Big hug.   I'm glad your doing better it should start to get back to normal for things like counseling and things soon. Hang in there here with you.

[Not Alone]

Thanks Owl & Tee. Tee, I'm glad you are able to see your T face to face.

This morning I had flashbacks, a new memory. Maybe. Like usual, I don't believe it, at least not completely. I told the Part to write it down. (I normally do not write details of abuse down, even in my journal.) She did and then emailed it to therapist. She was going to burn the paper, but my daughter was outside. Right now I feel too tired to walk down the stairs. I see (skype) therapist tomorrow.

I did reach out to friends and told them I had a flashback this morning. I also worked on a project, which didn't work out due to a faulty product, but the point is that I wasn't in a collapsed state all day.

Now I am starting to crash. Maybe will binge T.V. with husband. Starting to tell myself "I should" and to feel guilt, which is not a good sign. I need to remember to try to be kind to myself.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry about the flashbacks . I'm glad you were able to reach out to friends, also well done with working on a project afterwards and not collapsing for the day. Please remember that you deserve gentleness and kindness.

I hope your session goes well. Thinking of you, and sending you love and hugs.