Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

Started by Not Alone, February 03, 2020, 11:23:51 PM

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Not Alone

I am in a emotional pain. I went for a walk with friends this morning. My pain leaking out in my words in general and probably over sharing with a couple of people. Not beating myself up for that too much. Came home from walk and saw that one of the kids had brought home a box of donuts. I ate two. So much for trying to loose weight. Trying to soothe my pain.

There are people in my life for whom the following words do not apply. I am very grateful for them and for their care and acceptance of me. In a very significant relationship in my life, I am feeling the following, which also hooks into FOO.

ALONE
UNKNOWN
UNWANTED
HURT
REJECTED
UNWORTHY
UNSEEN
BLAMED
BLAMED


I know I wrote "blamed" twice. Once didn't seem adequate. Thanks for listening.

sanmagic7

truly ugly feelings to feel, dear notalone.  so very sorry they're there.  i wish i could do or say something that would make them not true.  all i can do is send you love and a hug filled with compassion :hug:  i wish i could make them go away.


Snowdrop


Not Alone

Thank you San, Bach, and Snowdrop, for hearing and caring.

Blueberry

I've haven't read here for a while notalone. I'm sorry that you're feeling these terrible emotions.  :hug: :hug: :bighug:

Not Alone


rainydiary

Notalone, I appreciate you sharing your story of a therapeutic relationship transitioning.  I feel your experience in my heart and belly,  I am thinking of you as you navigate this change.

Not Alone

Thank you, Rainydiary. To clarify, current situation that I'm struggling in involves a family member.

Not Alone

Yesterday in therapy session I talked about situation with previous therapist that happened 10 months ago. I posted about it, and many of you were a great support and help to me. The wounds have never really healed. The fear of "breaking the rules" has come up with current therapist, as it relates to the past experience. After 10 months, I was finally able to look at my notes & in my journal that I had written in that time period. In trying to put it all together and make sense of it all, I made an "art therapy" about words and thoughts. The picture is a messy scramble of former T's words, my thoughts and beliefs, and thoughts and beliefs of some of my Littles. It all still feels like a really big mess, in my thoughts and feelings. Maybe current T can continue to help me sort through it.

As I was looking through my notes, I was reminded of previous therapist's care for me. My question to myself: Can I allow his care even though he's not perfect? Can I allow his care even though he saw and accepted some of his part in what happened, but not as much as I think is his to hold? To clarify; we are not in contact with each other. A couple of my Littles sent him notes/pictures twice since leaving his practice, which we had permission to do. He has not responded, nor do I expect him to respond.

The devastating feeling of being thrown away remains. It runs to the core of my being.

While I was trying to put the thoughts and words about this onto one page, one of my Littles felt compelled to write on another piece of paper: "Grown-ups make the rules. If you break the rules. . . something bad happens. Grown-ups can change the rules. Sometimes there are secret rules, but you better not break them."

Confusion. Complexity. Pain. Care. Compassion.


sanmagic7

i think your little was right on the money with the experience you faced.  as children, we don't have the same power as grown-ups.  as clients, we don't have the same power as a clinician.  however, as adults, we do have the power to end the clinical experience, where we didn't have that same power when we were kids.  it's when we can't find our adult part in our adult relationships that trouble occurs.  this is all my opinion, and if you don't agree, or it doesn't feel right for you, notalone, please ignore.

as far as your questions about the previous t, i think you can take what was helpful, and leave the rest behind.  that may be an empowerment move for you now, since you're not in that relationship anymore.  that's something that just came to my mind as a mental picture of my narc t flashed thru my brain.  something for me to resolve in the future.  i've wanted to shovel all of her and our relationship into the coal bin, because to admit that i may have learned something helpful seemed to give her something positive in my life, and i didn't want any of that.  any of her.

so, thanks for posting about this.  it unblocked something for me, and i appreciate that.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

Tee

 :hug: I agree with San take the things the previous T help you with and walk away from the rest.  Keep moving forward.  You are making progress and took control of the bad situation which is huge. :applause:
So don't discount all of the hard work you did. Use that as a stepping stone with your new T. :hug:

Not Alone

#327
Thank you, San & Tee. I appreciate your words. I still struggle with black or white thinking. However, no person is all good or all bad (although I may have encountered "all bad.") Therapists are people too and there are no perfect therapists. The previous T is not the first T that has been the cause of deep pain, which only adds to the complexity. So, I'm working on honoring the good that was in that therapeutic relationship and feeling the pain and working through the messages and internal processes in the painful interactions.

sanmagic7

here to support you all the way as you seek resolution with this, notalone.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope67

Hi Notalone,
You have put a lot into the Art Therapy piece that you described with the words and thoughts.  I really hope that you can receive the careful consideration of all those things in your work with your current T, and I also want to send you love and hugs, as you embark on this process that you're describing  :hug:
Hope  :)