Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, your words and care are a comfort to me.

As I read your post, I saw angels standing by you, keeping you protected and safe.

Thank you for sharing that. It is very meaningful to me.

Tee, yes, memories are really difficult. Thank you for believing me and for reminding me that it wasn't my fault.

Bach, I know you are struggling and I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to give me a hug.

Hope, thank you for the hug. I felt your care.


I am grateful that I slept well last night. I feel sadness regarding the memory, but I don't feel buried, which sometimes happens. I spent some relaxing time with two of my (adult) kids today, which was lovely.

Decades ago, I shared the memory with a therapist. (All of that had been buried deeply until my flashback on Wednesday.) His immediate response was, "That can't happen." So when I shared the memory with T on Thursday, I started by saying, "Is it possible . . . ?" His quick and simple answer of yes, well, it did a couple of things. I was believed and affirmed that my memory was true. It also sent me to that place of past horror. But to be believed. . . that is so powerful and life-giving.

[Snowdrop]

I get how damaging and painful the other therapist's words were. I'm so glad you have your current T. One who believes you and validates you. I realise I didn't say it earlier, but I believe you too. It definitely wasn't your fault.

The angels I saw standing by you were holding you in light. I still see them now.

[Tee]

  I'm so glad you found a T that is able to help you down this road. It is so important that when we share the darkest memories the are held and hidden that they are witnessed and validated not minimised or dismissed as impossible. Keep moving forward notalone your doing great I'm there by your side giving you love and support.   
Would like to send you email have private questions you can answer or not. Just wanted to let you I'll be sending it. 

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop & Tee: Thank you for your understanding, belief. Snowdrop, thank you for sharing your vision of the angels upholding me.

We got a kitten! She is playful, friendly, and cute, cute, cute. When she gets tired of playing, she will climb up onto a lap and take a cat nap.



I only saw my current therapist about six weeks in person before teletherapy began. Teletherapy has been very stressful to me and extremely disturbing to some Parts. Really the amount of work that I have accomplished during teletherapy is amazing. However; Hope still hasn't told T her memory and I feel like a great deal of work is on hold until I am able to consistently see T in person, in his office.

Tomorrow is the first time since March that I will see T in person. Then back to teletherapy until at least mid January. Ugh.

In the last 8 months of teletherapy, there have been several Littles who appeared for the first time. Most of the trust gained with my therapist has been during the time online for the last 8 months. As much as I have been needing to see T in person, many Littles are scared about seeing him in person, in his office, tomorrow. Many of them have never seen him in person and have never been in his office. They have a visual of his office because I have been there. (I don't know if this makes sense.) I don't really have a goal tomorrow other than to let them (the Littles) be in the office and . . . I don't know. Will see what they need when they get there.

I did tell therapist how the Littles are feeling about seeing him in his office. He understood.

[Snowdrop]

Your kitten sounds adorable!

I hope it goes well with T. I'm glad he understands how the Littles are feeling about it.

[marta1234]

Sending you love and support notalone for your appointment  Hope it goes well. I know how terrifying actually seeing a T in person is.
Also, your cat sounds so cute! Very happy that you found one 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Sending you a hug and also love and support as well    Your kitten sounds very cute. 

I am glad that your T is understanding and appreciates some of what your littles feel.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, Marta, Hope:   

The kitten is so fun. Right now she's trying to type on my computer!

The Littles felt afraid in my therapist's office and for some of them, seeing him for the first time in person. By the time I left, most of them felt more comfortable. It was a needed reassurance that hopefully, starting in January, I'll be able to see him in person consistently. I hope.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Sceal]

Good that by the end of the session that your littles were feeling a little more comfortable around your therapist. Perhaps, come mid-january it'll be safer still for them.
Most things that are new are scary

[Bach]

That's good news about the kitten, and about the Littles being mostly comfortable with your T. That seems like real progress. I'm glad that you've been able to do so much with teletherapy. It is really hard!

Lots of love to all of you 

[owl25]

Your kitten sounds great, and I am glad you got to see your T in person 

[woodsgnome]

My cat literally waves, and he's sending a good vibe to the kitten (okay, my human interpretation; but he does actually wave. It's also cool to note the therapy visit went well, and hopefully that can continue as time rolls by.

For, myself, and my own feline acquaintance, I hope this is okay to end on -- 

[Not Alone]

  Hugging you back, San. I know you are carrying a lot right now.

Sceal, thanks for your understanding. New things can be scary and I need to accept/honor that many of the Littles had not seen T in person. It was really important for them to see him face to face and to be in his office.

Bach,    Teletherapy has been hard. Looking back, I'm amazed at how much I did accomplish with teletherapy because I find it so difficult. Having the one session in person has given me hope that teletherapy won't be forever.

Owl, Thanks for your encouragement. I'm very glad that I got to see T in person. I think it was really important. The kitten is awesome.

Woodsgnome, I love that your cat waves.  I'm getting a lot of joy and comfort from the kitten. Yes, so glad in person session went well. 

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Most of what was said in yesterday's session was surface, chit chat. But still, I feel like seeing therapist in person yesterday was important. I don't have complete understanding of why. The following thoughts are random. Most of the Littles in session yesterday were quite young. Their ability to understand the significance of the session is limited. To several of the Littles, therapist was like a person on T.V. (computer screen). Yesterday they saw that he was a real person. That thought is a little simplistic, but the general idea is accurate. I need his office to be a safe place; a real, solid safe place, not just a place in my memory. In session yesterday, I touched the couch I was sitting on, memorizing its "realness." Teletherapy has not felt safe, sometimes more unsafe than other times. As my T pointed out in May, much of this has felt like a repeat of childhood; unsafe going on and on with no end in sight. Yesterday was a bit of hope that there will be an end to teletherapy and then going to the safety of T's office.

Many people might think: "What is the big deal? Teletherapy or in person therapy? What difference does it make?" But it is a big deal. At times it has felt like life and death big deal. I know that some of you understand. Thank you for getting it and for being here.

[Snowdrop]

I get it, Notalone. I don't think I can put it into words, but what you've said makes a lot of sense.

I'm so glad it went well, and the Littles are feeling more comfortable. I'm also glad that you recognise how far you've come over the past few months.