Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Not Alone]

Today I'm feeling----I don't know. It's like all the parts of my life; work, family, therapy; are all needing/wanting to be present/prevalent. Plus, a few things my therapist said in my last session are whirling in my head. My kitchen is full of dirty dishes, which I am ignoring. I'm in my room watching T.V. with my hoodie on and hood on my head. I'm feeling pressure to DO. It is only internal, no one in family pressured me to clean or cook. (I didn't do either tonight.) The abuse that I told T on Monday had to do with performing. Maybe that is why I am feeling a big internal pressure to DO or get things DONE. I think the best thing for me tonight is to stay in room, watching T.V. Maybe my weighted blanket will help. I'm processing as I write, so hope this makes some sense.

[Bach]

Love and hugs to you and all your parts from me and all mine, notalone. But

[sanmagic7]

i've got therapy session stuff swirling as well, notalone, so i hear ya!  it's 5 a.m., haven't gone to sleep yet.  hopefully, soon.  do what you need to do for you, ok?  no shame, no blame.  yeah, performing.  got that one, too.  love and hugs

[Sceal]

Sounds like you're processing alot of things. It's okay not to do things for a few days. It's fine, those things aren't going anywhere, and they aren't hurting anyone. It might be annoying to have dirty dishes in the sink, but... sitting in your hoodie and breathe for a little while is perfectly okay.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Bach, San, & Sceal. Appreciate you.

My Friday commitment was cancelled (coronavirus). I used the time to attack the dishes and get some cleaning done.

Last night I got through being in a triggered state (EF) via xanax, Walker's 12 steps, journaling, and T.V.

I am still catching up with new therapist, telling him memories, etc. I had planned on telling him about another incident of abuse tomorrow, but I am being affected by what I told him last week. I have a literal list of what I need to tell T2 in order to be caught up with where I left off with T1. Of course, that is caught up on information, not on relationship and trust. None of the items on the list is simple--- check off, item told. Some of the things on the list are incidents of abuse that carry a garbage dump's worth of feelings and thoughts. Others are complex, important relationships that are so tangled and full of feeling that they take my breath away. My goal was to be through most of the list by the end of March. I have told him a lot, but there is so much more.

T wants me to be kind in my telling and the pace at which I tell. How is that even possible? Every telling is painful and shameful. The things that I haven't told yet are weighing on me. The voice in my head saying, "hurry up. . ." I started to tell myself to slow down, but I don't believe or accept that.

We need a tornado emoji, because that is what I feel.

[Snowdrop]

Well done for getting through being in a triggered state.

I can imagine it's hard to know what kindness looks like when telling T. If you're being affected by what you told him last week, might that be a good starting point for tomorrow perhaps? Thinking of you, and I'm there with you in spirit.

[Not Alone]

I do want to tell T about reading to the Littles. Also, the Part who was in therapy last week wrote a note to T in my journal, so will start with those things.
Thanks, Snowdrop.

[Not Alone]

A lot of people writed today. I wanted to read it say things but i am too littil rite now.

[Bach]

Lots of love and hugs if that is safe for you, little one 

[Sceal]

Take care of yourself first!
it's hard to take care of others when you're not taking care of yourself first.

[Not Alone]

Bach, I saw your message last night and the little part smiled. She felt your warmth and love.
Sceal, thank your for that kind reminder.

There is a great deal going on internally that I am trying to process. . . . I sat here for several minutes trying to know how to put it into words and my head was this  . I have to leave for work in 10 minutes, so maybe will try to write later. . . if it feels safe. . . 

[sanmagic7]

i like what your t said about being kind in your telling.  i think our being kind to ourselves is of the utmost importance.  really, the pace is personal, even tho it feels impossible to slow it down at times.  your pace is based on what you're able to tolerate before going into an EF or spiraling like a tornado.  it's different for all of us - there's just so much we can take before it overwhelms us, and it's a process to find that point and stop before it happens.

so much of therapy, to my mind, is experimentation - try one thing, see if it works.  if it does, do it again.  if it doesn't, do something different. you can't do therapy wrong.  honestly, you don't have to rush with this new t.  maybe just in the telling you'll be able to find something of value that was overlooked with T1.  breathe, sweetie, and know that you are good and precious and worth kindness and caring.  sending love and a hug full of both

[Snowdrop]

Gentle, safe hugs to you and the little one.

[Not Alone]

Thanks San & Snowdrop.

Wednesday night, the little Part wrote a note to T telling him that if she told, she would be put in jail. She gave him the note yesterday. Last night I had a dream that adultish me was in jail. It wasn't a super disturbing dream. Seems like a bigger fear than I realized so maybe T and adult me needs to give that Little One more reassurance that she won't be put into jail. BTW, that particular Part hasn't TOLD yet.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I wanted to send you and Little Hope my best thoughts, and a safe hug, if they want one    I hope that you feel ok in the light of the day, after your dreams.
Hope