Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

Not Alone · April 27, 2020, 03:02:45 AM

Thank you, Saylor. I appreciate your response. Even though it helps to be understood, I'm sorry you have to deal with that also.

I'm okay right now. I went upstairs and folded laundry. We are now watching the t.v. show that we've been binge watching. Odd that I can watch science fiction violence (to a degree and sometimes) but I'm triggered by a comedy show.

Hope67 · April 27, 2020, 07:43:01 AM

Hi Notalone,
Reading about your experience here helped me as well, as I had watched a comedy programme on the weekend by a comedian, and found it incredibly triggering, and couldn't understand why - but reading what you wrote, puts it in perspective - and I can see it now, that is was triggering.

Sending you a hug

Hope

sanmagic7 · April 27, 2020, 01:24:08 PM

i've never found those types of shows funny, either. i think it's mean. anyone who's been humiliated or laughed at would feel the same way, to my mind. i think it's triggering because it's real humans laughing at others, but personally, i don't think it's 'normal' to find it funny. i think it has to do with a lack of compassion. i don't watch those shows, either, after seeing one many, many years ago.

i think the difference between the sci fi and the other is that sci fi is make believe, while the other is real people in real situations. we've been thru those situations (and probably a lot of the people who laugh at it also have), but it's like anything else. people here have been traumatized and make a great effort not to repeat what happened to them, while others who have been traumatized, do exactly the same to others.

just my opinion. love and hugs, notalone.

Not Alone · April 27, 2020, 02:36:51 PM

Hope, thank you for sharing.

San,

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2020, 01:24:08 PM
i've never found those types of shows funny, either. i think it's mean. anyone who's been humiliated or laughed at would feel the same way, to my mind. i think it's triggering because it's real humans laughing at others, but personally, i don't think it's 'normal' to find it funny. i think it has to do with a lack of compassion. i don't watch those shows, either, after seeing one many, many years ago.

i think the difference between the sci fi and the other is that sci fi is make believe, while the other is real people in real situations.

What you wrote rings true for me. Fiction is make believe. Real people laughing at someone else's expense is hurtful.

The being-laughed-at scars run very deeply in me. Just writing that, I can feel myself start to dissociate.

Now I have my husband's laughter ringing in my memory. He was not laughing at me. I know it is my issue, but it doesn't help my trust.

Bach · April 27, 2020, 05:44:17 PM

I can't stand that kind of cruel humour. In my family growing up, I was the butt of many jokes that weren't really jokes at all but criticisms and expressions of resentment. I don't like humour that comes at the expense of another person's dignity. I also hate the shows and videos that make comedy out of people having accidents. I can't laugh at any kind of humour that relies on creating a victim.

Snowdrop · April 27, 2020, 06:15:22 PM

I get triggered by things like that too.

Not Alone · April 28, 2020, 12:34:06 AM

I just wrote a long post that disappeared when I got up to let the dog out. I am so done. Even my attempt at reaching out has failed. I am not suicidal, can't be, have kids. I am so done. Can not go on. so done. took xanax to keep from sh. What next? What do I do to take the next breath? What do I do to look like a person and go to work tomorrow? So tired of functioning and existing and going on. For What??

All inside are in chaos. I can't keep going. I can't keep doing this. Even what I had written, which made more sense then this, disappeared. Falling and there's no bottom.

marta1234 · April 28, 2020, 02:39:16 AM

Hey notalone, i hear you. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, it shouldn't be like this.
Please please take a blanket or something comfortable and give yourself a hug, if it's ok to ask. Maybe make some tea, to bring yourself some relief.
I've been having the same thoughts as you, but I just want to show you that you are here and important and valid. Sending you lots of love and support, and that you're surrounded by love (on this forum and in real life)

Bach · April 28, 2020, 02:57:18 AM

So often you have offered me virtual hugs and blankets and cups of tea, comfort and understanding and sweet wishes of calm happy times with a friend who cares. I offer these back to you in hopes for a few moments of warmth and the strength to continue for another day. You are valued and valuable, and I stand with you in the painful struggle

woodsgnome · April 28, 2020, 03:13:47 AM

You are wonderful, always, even at times that seem to vanish one's comfort zone. Sometimes there's just too much to take in -- there's so much that doesn't make sense.

Please accept my offer of a nice blanket, some tea, maybe a fire to warm by. I wish I could do more; words don't quite cut to the core, but I want to express my feelings this way, if it's alright --

...
and many more for the very special person you are.

Snowdrop · April 28, 2020, 04:38:33 AM

Here with you, Notalone. I will bring you a cup of tea, put a soft blanket round your shoulders, and offer big hugs. Any time you feel as though you're falling, we're here to catch you. You are safe. You are safe.

Hope67 · April 28, 2020, 03:28:59 PM

Dear Notalone,
I have been thinking about you today, and I hope that you are managing to get through your day. Sending you a gentle and supportive hug, if that's ok,

Hope

Not Alone · April 29, 2020, 10:57:22 PM

Marta, Bach, Woodsgnome, Snowdrop, Hope,
At present, I am covered by a soft blanket and I feel your care.

Somehow I've made it through the last two days of work. Only scheduled for three shifts this week, so one more day of appearing very different from how I feel on the inside.

When I think about putting words to what is troubling me, it seems ridiculous. Incredibly minor. But, I am falling. Falling down a bottomless canyon. There are branches being held out to me, but they are too far away. I have a branch in my hand, but it is broken. It did not support my weight and now I am falling. Falling. Falling. There is no stopping the nightmare. It goes on and on and on.

Five year old Hope used to be called, "The girl who was with the four men." About a year ago I named her "Hope." This week she renamed herself "Hopeless."

Falling.

Snowdrop · April 30, 2020, 05:59:34 AM

I've felt like that before, Notalone, and it's not ridiculous or minor.

In my mind's eye, I see an angel going into the canyon to save you from falling. The angel catches you and holds you, so that you're supported by angel wings, and surrounded by light.

Love you, Notalone. You're precious, and I care about you.

sanmagic7 · April 30, 2020, 04:15:48 PM

i've got another angel to send, also to catch and support you on angel wings. we're here with you, we've got you. these pits only feel bottomless - at least in my experience, cuz i've been down too many to count. but, i'm still here and i know it's cuz the people here have helped me find a reason to just take one more step, one more step, and one more step. all you have to do is make it to tomorrow, a step at a time. and, breathe. take a breath, take a step. one at a time.

if you can, you and hope, imagine us surrounding you, gently offering support and caring. you've helped me get thru some bad times. i just want to do the same for you, if possible. sending a hug filled with love and strength and a walker if those steps are too difficult to take on your own.