Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[sanmagic7]

to my mind, breaking that chain, that cycle of abuse, no matter what form it took is one of the most difficult, yet most affirmative and satisfying things we can do.  it's also one of the most precious gifts we can give our children.     well done, notalone.  that's an accomplishment you can be truly proud of.

another is that you vacuumed the foyer, achieved a goal you set for yourself,  and it motivated you to do even more.  i think you're doing a wonderful job, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. 

sending a hug filled with love and lots of grounding for when you feel like you're falling   

[Not Alone]

Snookiebookie & San,
I am grateful for you affirming words.

[Hope67]

Sending you a hug Notalone 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Hope. Hugging you back. 

[Not Alone]

This is Hope. Yesterday I felt very alone. I called a friend. I've texted this friend (with NotAlone's help of course because I can't spell), but I never talked to her. (NotAlone has talked to her lots of times.) She was glad I called and I felt better after I talked to her.

Today I helped NotAlone plant some flowers. We don't know if they will grow. We just stick those in the ground, say a prayer and give the plants water. After that I listened to two stories on the computer from a library. I'm going to go for a walk with NotAlone now. Good-bye. from Hope.

[Bach]

Hi Hope  That's how we plant things with Bach. "Shove 'em in the ground and hope for the best" is what she says. Then after we plant them we go look at them every day. She says they like that! We also planted loads and loads of flower seeds that we collected last year. We did that a few weeks ago. I guess the seeds are growing but right now they don't look any different from weeds. I can't wait until they start being flowers!

Have a nice day  

[Not Alone]

That's neat that you planted seeds. We started with plants so they already look like a flower is ready to pop open.
Love, Hope

[Not Alone]

Flashbacks last night. Right now I'm binging (well just started, but that's the plan) on movies, I have my blanket and a cup of tea, lit a candle. Trying to let myself have this self care instead of feeling guilty for not doing anything.

[woodsgnome]

Notalone, I want to start with this, if ok -- 

Next, I have just a little something that hit me when I read the closing comment you made.

You said: " ... let myself have this self care instead of feeling guilty for not doing anything."

It's so natural to think of self-care as 'not doing' anything. In fact, self-care is doing everything, sometimes against all odds and all we've mis-learned about the value of self-care. Having been in the depths of despair, it's the best thing one can 'do' --  and a good sign of progress, IMO. So -- congrats on finding those sorts of moments. It's encouraging, not a sign of failure at all.

[Not Alone]

Woodsgnome, thank you for the hug. Your words came at the right time and I'm trying to take them in. I've watched 3 movies today and the thought of doing anything seems overwhelming. Just finished movie #3 and wondering what else I can do to get through the day. Besides the flashbacks last night, my husband said something this afternoon that is very triggering to me. Maybe I will talk about that in session tomorrow. I'm slipping a little, but I'm not spiraling. Woodsgnome, I just re-read your words as my guilt is settling in. Thank you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone,

i learned about the concept of 'not doing anything' as actually doing something vitally important when i used to lift weights.  lifting actually causes small tears in your muscle fibers, and having at least a day, if not 2 days, off, as in 'not doing anything' is the way for those tears to heal, which strengthens the muscles.  if we would lift every day, those muscles wouldn't heal, and eventually they would become damaged - just the opposite of what we were aiming for.

so, resting, taking a break, giving yourself some time and care is, in actuality, a very important thing to do.  it may not look like 'anything' to someone else, but our brains, our minds, and our spirits need that rest for healing, one of the most important 'somethings' we can ever do.

i had that same guilt cuz it didn't look like i was doing something constructive when i would take a nap, but my weight training helped put it in perspective for me.  i hope it helps you, too.  as w.g. says, we've been mis-taught.  the beauty is that we can re-teach ourselves properly and then practice.  i'm very proud of you for watching your movies, taking that self-care.     honestly, i think self-care is the best gift we can give ourselves - and, yeah, i know, we don't 'deserve' gifts,  but, they were wrong.  it's more important than anything else to care for ourselves - we're the only ones who are able to do so!  hug filled with love and all the care you need

[Not Alone]

i'm very proud of you for watching your movies, taking that self-care.    

Thank you, San. That means a great deal to me. I appreciate your weight lifting analogy too.

I'm doing a little better today. I was scheduled to go for a walk with friends, which I did. Washed my sheets. Yesterday that task seemed too big. I have Skype therapy in an hour, so hopefully talking about the flashbacks and triggers will help.

[Sceal]

Hi Notalone. I want to echo San's words.
Self-care is doing a lot!  I think those of us who have cPTSD or PTSD often forget, or don't even know, that self-care is important. That it is doing a lot when you stop up for a moment and take care of your self. It gets easier when you then have to move forward with difficult things, when you remember to stop up once in a while and say "This hurts too much, I need a break. I'm just going to take a long hot shower, do a face mask, eat some pop-corn. Sleep in, get a massage, treat myself to a new haircolour, a new clothing item, a book, watch a movie, listen to music" Whatever it is that you feel helps you, it's important to not neglect it.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Sceal. I appreciate your words.

I am really tired right now. I worked today (5 1/2 hours), went to grocery store, made dinner. PLUS all the stuff whirling inside of me is taking it's share of my energy. This week I'm scheduled to work 5 days (3-5 1/2 hours). It feels like too much. It is too much. A reminder that I need to keep my Fridays open to be able to just BE.

[Not Alone]

I am still catching up with new therapist, telling him memories, etc. I had planned on telling him about another incident of abuse tomorrow, but I am being affected by what I told him last week. I have a literal list of what I need to tell T2 in order to be caught up with where I left off with T1. Of course, that is caught up on information, not on relationship and trust. None of the items on the list is simple--- check off, item told. Some of the things on the list are incidents of abuse that carry a garbage dump's worth of feelings and thoughts. Others are complex, important relationships that are so tangled and full of feeling that they take my breath away. My goal was to be through most of the list by the end of March. I have told him a lot, but there is so much more.

Before covid-19, the plan was for Hope to tell her memory to T this Thursday. Won't do that as long as sessions are not face to face. That would not feel safe or kind, at all.

When virtual therapy sessions did not end at the end of April, but were extended into the entire month of May, it sent me spiraling into feelings of hopelessness and aloneness.

When I think about putting words to what is troubling me, it seems ridiculous. Incredibly minor.  But, I am falling. Falling down a bottomless canyon. There are branches being held out to me, but they are too far away. I have a branch in my hand, but it is broken. [The branch was getting through April with online therapy.] It did not support my weight and now I am falling. Falling. Falling. There is no stopping the nightmare. It goes on and on and on.

Five year old Hope used to be called, "The girl who was with the four men." About a year ago I named her "Hope." This week she renamed herself "Hopeless."

Falling.

Hope is back to being "Hope" (not "Hopeless"). She hung on through April, waiting to be able to tell her abuse to T in person. Now that won't happen in May (still no contact). Really hard. Just writing that I feel the incredible weight of that burden of holding on day by day. . . then, nope, need to hold on for AT LEAST another 31 days. Heavy, heavy weight.

T talked to Hope about what would help her get through each day. I will try to take a walk with Hope when weather permits. I will try to read a story to her and the other Littles. I started this a bit ago and haven't followed through. I told Hope that every day she could choose a sticker to put in my journal. (Bach, that idea probably came from what you're doing with your Littles.)

The story continues. . .
I thought that when our geographical area began the next phase of covid-19 recovery, that therapy sessions would be in person, in office. T has been very careful not to make any promises, but earlier he did indicate that he thought by that phase we would be face-to-face. I found out yesterday that he will continue with online and not office visits through AT LEAST THE FIRST TWO WEEKS IN JUNE. I felt like I had my finger nails dug into the wall of a cliff that I have been falling down and he took a rock and smashed my fingers.

This isn't just two weeks more. This is forever. It will never end. Hope will never be able to tell him what happened. Feels like she's stuck in that room being abused over and over. Jo can't tell her stuff on the computer. It isn't safe. She is stuck with her deep shame. Alone with it forever. The others too.

A Part needs to kill Hope without killing Mom Person. Don't know how to do that. Hope does not deserve her doll or stickers.

Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. Probably sounds really stupid and minor. Useless. No end. Ever.

Got through yesterday with xanax and a sleeping pill. Managed to work today. Have to work tomorrow. And inside is chaos, panic, and despair.