Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

Started by Not Alone, February 03, 2020, 11:23:51 PM

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Not Alone

I decided to start a recovery journey. It's a new year----well, yes it is February. I am starting with a new therapist. T E R R I F I E D.

Ever since I started therapy to deal with CSA, I have envisioned it as a journey into rugged mountainous terrain. There have been deep crevices, dangerous cliffs, and consuming mud. And fog. Lots and lots of fog, blinding me to the next part of the journey and often blocking my vision of my next step. Now I am going to another part of the land (there never has been a trail), that seems really dark and even more unknown.

Starting with where I am now, what are my resources?

    Jesus is still with me.
    Friends who are more informed and a greater support.
    Skills I have learned: grounding, etc.
    OOTS
    I have been heard and cared for.
    I am getting better at self-kindness.
Sometimes I can't see, hear, or sense anyone around me; but it is important for me to remember: I am not alone.

Three Roses

You are not alone!  :hug:

I'm also closely relying on Jesus in my journey. I feel a strength when I turn my mind to him. And I've learned I'm strong enough now to distance myself from friendships that are less than supportive and lean on the ones who are, when I need to. And OOTS is an excellent resource to find options and learn about anything new pertaining to this thing we all have.

I'm honored to walk this path with you.  :hug:

MoonBeam

Quote from: notalone on February 03, 2020, 11:23:51 PM
Ever since I started therapy to deal with CSA, I have envisioned it as a journey into rugged mountainous terrain. There have been deep crevices, dangerous cliffs, and consuming mud. And fog. Lots and lots of fog, blinding me to the next part of the journey and often blocking my vision of my next step. Now I am going to another part of the land (there never has been a trail), that seems really dark and even more unknown.

So well written NotAlone. Healing does seem to require a fair amount of blind faith, a sense that we will keep going even though we can't see what's on the other side, or for that matter what's right in front of us sometimes. It is that letting go of what was, without having a clear sense of where we will land--the great unknown, and believing that we will be held, that we will be safe--A new concept for so many of us.

And you are so right. We have resources now. Things we didn't have before, and perhaps things we couldn't see, that now light our path sometimes even just a little, enough to take the next step.  Not being alone on this path makes all the difference to me, makes all of it possible.

Thank you for sharing your journey NotAlone. Deep gratitude and  big  :hug: :hug:.


Not Alone

Three Roses and MoonBeam,

Thank you for your kind responses. Your support and company on this journey means a great deal to me. I feel privileged to be included in your journeys as well.

Not Alone

Leaving my therapist (Monday will be last session) feels like abandoning the deep, dark depths of shame and secrets to being alone again. I feel sick, sad, scared.

Snowdrop

Changing therapists is a big deal. Remember you have a choice, and you're not alone.

Walking beside you on the path. :hug:

sanmagic7

i'm joining everyone else to be with you - you are absolutely not alone. 

this has been an extra special resource i've used at times of great change - imagining all of you with me.  if that's something that might be helpful to you, imagine us sitting with you in the waiting room of your new t while you wait for your first appt.  we will be there when you leave as well, for support, comfort, and caring.  it's no small feat to change therapists, nor to leave one behind w/ whom you've become comfortable.  we'll be there with you and for you, if you like.  sending love and hugs filled with light. :grouphug:

MoonBeam

NotAlone, yeah, this is a big transition. I'm standing with you too, another voice added to the chorus of folks who care about you and hold light and hope for good things for you.

I want to send a little reminder if it's ok, that while yes, T1 has been with you and a lifeline indeed since you started your recovery journey, you are the one who has risen from the ashes. You are the one who has learned new skills, has made huge shifts, has gone through each moment, showing amazing strength and perseverance, courage and grace. You are the one who has shown so much love to all parts of you, welcomed and protected your littles and shown such compassion for all.

I know it's so hard to let go, to trust change. I know that you will keep working and you will bring everything you have gained so far with you to this new aspect of your work with T2. Because all of that strength is you. All of that love and compassion is you, reflected and held by T1, but all you!

It's ok to feel sad about this, to mourn what feels like a big loss. That to me sounds like you created healthy attachment and that is something to be honored. And I agree with others here, if it feels like you need to, can you leave it open with T1 that you could resume, and he could help through transition while you are finding the right fit?

Big  :hug: to you. I'll be holding light and love for you NotAlone.

Not Alone

There are things I want to say, but for right now, just want to let you all know that I am re-reading your replies and leaning into your care and support. :grouphug:

woodsgnome

I love the imagery you use here, Notalone -- the mountains, fog, etc. -- as you venture into this new direction. There's so much that still baffles, and it's a challenge to keep on the path. You're aware of obstacles, and it seems tricky navigation right now, but something feels good for your next still invisible but courageous steps.

Your descriptive musings reminded me of a recent change of my own. Just a change in wording, really. See, I've always declared that my ultimate goal is finding peace. But that sets up peace as some grand destination only, and not a process, always in motion (like real life). So nowadays I think of my goal as more of a peaceful flow.

There will be rapids and such, but clinging hard to the rocks only works for a while; at some point one has to let go and continue their trip downriver (or up). Excuse the metaphor, but I'm an old canoe trip guide and these metaphors I can relate to. I share them in hopes they might symbolize your travels.

So here's to your own sense of flow as you set forth on this new part of the journey.  Before we part today, I'll offer this token of friendship and support --  :hug: and join the others who are with you ...  :grouphug:

Not Alone

Woodsgnome: grateful for your friendship and support.  :hug: to you. I like your illustration. "Clinging hard to rocks only works for a while" . . . continuing the journey.

Sceal

I know how terrified it is to lose your therapist. It is heartbreaking.

You have a very strong way with words. I could visualise everything you wrote. It really resonated. You are absolutely correct; you are  NOT alone.


Not Alone

Thanks, Sceal.

Today was my last session with T1. Lots of tears. Hope (5) had colored a picture for him. She cried and talked to him for a bit. E had written a note, which we gave to him. Jo (11) read a letter and cried. Then adult me read a letter. If I think about the contents of the letters, I will start crying again. Even though really sad, I feel good about how it went. For the most part, I said what I needed to say. I think it was nice for him to be thanked and to hear ways in which he has impacted us.

One moment at a time. For THIS moment, I am sad, but okay.

woodsgnome


MoonBeam

NotAlone. I'm thinking of you, sending love and a supportive  :hug:   It sounds like you had a good meeting. I'm so glad you are doing ok.