Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Not Alone]

Last night a family member asked about everyone's day. I said I had a really sad day because it was the last day with my therapist. No one responded. Woodsgnome, I went on the computer and saw your hug. I needed that so much. Thank you. MoonBeam, grateful for your love and support.

I felt a lot of fear all last night and this morning. Mostly because for the most part, I am cut off from the one (T1) who knows (my trauma, my Littles, other complex history). He was my anchor and now the chain to that anchor is disconnected. There are buoys----people who know parts of my story---hanging onto those. Trying to remind myself that I am an adult and I am safe.

I wish I didn't have to work today. Maybe the five hours of having to be "on" will be a helpful distraction.

[sanmagic7]

we're with you, notalone.  this is a rough transition for you, but we're standing around you, arms out so you don't fall.  hang tough, sweetie, ok?  hope your work is a distraction for you, and will help you make it thru the day. sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and buoyancy.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, I also want to send you a hug 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I would like to send you heartfelt hugs as well. You are safe. You are safe. You are safe.

[Bach]

Thinking of you, and so proud of how well you're doing with this so challenging transition   Safe supportive hugs from mes as well   

[Not Alone]

San, Hope, Snowdrop, Bach, and All: I am so incredibly grateful for your support and comfort during this transition.

I had a session with T2 today. I handed him a somewhat encrypted list of all the things that I needed to tell him in order to be "caught up."  He didn't take off running! Session went well. I told him more than I had anticipated telling him. I feel encouraged.

[sanmagic7]

yay - glad for you!

love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

It will take time to feel settled with T2, but that sounds promising. I'm delighted.

[MoonBeam]

I'm so glad the session went well NotAlone.  I was thinking while reading your post that part of the skill-set we learn in therapy is how to do therapy. That is a very simple way of putting it, but it's that learning, knowing what works for us and what doesn't, what we need, learning how to talk to someone else and be vulnerable and so much more.  It's another piece you get to take with you.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort 

[Not Alone]

When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut? I can be in a social situation,  but in the background in my mind, feelings and memories are churning. Then something bubbles over and out of my mouth. Just now I told two people, without planning to, out of context of the conversation, that I have cptsd.  I feel stupid, embarrassed and vulnerable.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie,

hopefully, nothing neg. happened when you told them. 

i think sometimes these things come out when we least expect them, maybe cuz unconsciously we want to test the waters?  see what happens when we do?  i don't know, but i think that's happened w/ me at times, something comes out and (even when posting here) i get worried about what the consequences might be. 

i've got you in a big embrace so that perhaps you can relax w/ it a little.   please let us know if you get any blowback from this.  in the meantime, sending love and a hug filled w/ care and an oooopsie! - i've done that myself, too!

[Snowdrop]

I've been in that situation too. I've not intended to say anything, but stuff's just bubbled out. I don't know if it's been part of me trying to form a connection, seek validation, look for help or what . Afterwards I've felt vulnerable, scared of consequences etc.

You're not alone in this.

[Not Alone]

San and Snowdrop,
Thank you for your understanding and words of compassion. It helps to not feel all alone in this. 

[Not Alone]

Exercise in Learning Self-Kindness

Critical words to myself:
When are you going to learn to keep your mouth shut? You told S and L that you had cptsd, out of the blue. It didn't even fit in the conversation. What must they be thinking about you? You are so weak and needy. You are so desperate for care from people. Now you are exposed and vulnerable. You need to stop letting your crazy leak out. You are so stupid.

What I would say to a friend:
You are going through so much right now. You are carrying such a big weight and it makes sense that at times your inner reality comes out. You are human. You didn't intend to tell them. You are hurting so much and a part of you wants S, L and the whole world to know the degree of harm you suffered. They might not think about it at all. It they do think about it, if they have compassion, and I think they do, they will probably wonder what happened to you to cause cptsd. They might ask you about it later or maybe not. The stuff you are dealing with is so big, you can't possibly keep it from leaking out at times. You didn't do anything wrong or stupid; you are just full of a lot of hurt. 

[sanmagic7]

i hope you can see yourself as that friend, notalone.  what you said was really kind and caring.  you deserve no less.  love and hugs.