Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Not Alone]

I really miss T1. I feel very sad. I (Jo) haven't met T2 yet. I don't know when I will. I want to be in office with T1 and talk to him. 
Jo (11)

[sanmagic7]

here's a caring hug for you, jo, if you want one.     i know it's hard to miss someone.

[Blueberry]

i hope you can see yourself as that friend, notalone.  what you said was really kind and caring.  you deserve no less.  love and hugs.

  notalone, you are going through a lot atm. You really deserve such kind words.

btw I've been in that kind of situation too where things have just bubbled out. It is getting less, a lot less, and my T said recently too that it gets less.

_________________________

Hello Jo,

I'm sorry you miss T1 so much. That's understandable though.  If you would like a safe hug, here is one  Or sometimes I give people  to help keep bad things away.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you miss T1, Jo. I know that it's hard.

I would like to send you a hug if that's ok and feels safe.

[Not Alone]

i hope you can see yourself as that friend, notalone.  what you said was really kind and caring.  you deserve no less.  love and hugs.

  notalone, you are going through a lot atm. You really deserve such kind words.

btw I've been in that kind of situation too where things have just bubbled out. It is getting less, a lot less, and my T said recently too that it gets less.

Thanks, BB. I saw those two people yesterday. Neither said anything and everything felt fairly normal.

San, Blueberry, & Snowdrop,
Thank you for your words and hugs. It doesn't take the pain away, but it did make Jo feel heard and cared for and that is a big thing. 

Last night was tough. Jo was grieving loss of T1, then Hope was having flashbacks. After I finally fell asleep last night after 2 a.m., I woke my husband and myself up from yelling from a nightmare. Today has been hard. Managed to go to the grocery store. Times of lying on the bed in fear (EF?). Leaving soon to go to a play with my daughter and her friend. Looking forward to that and it will bring me more into 2020.

[sanmagic7]

sending love and a hug filled with stability and peace for all of you.  you're so very precious.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, San. Hug back to you. 

The play went well. I saw several people that I haven't seen in a long time and I was in a good enough place where I could enjoy seeing them. During the play, Hope (5) sat on my lap and Jo (11) sat next to me (internal Parts). Hard to process that. Throughout the small auditorium were several people whom I have known for decades, and they have no clue about my inner life. Both (the Littles and my trauma AND my adult, more-or-less together self) are reality. It is confusing. I hope over time I learn how to balance and feel comfortable with both.

[sanmagic7]

with the work you're doing, notalone, and the progress you're making, i have no doubt that more balance is in the future for you.  glad you were able to enjoy the play and the people.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Just sending love and safe hugs to all of you from all of me's.    I'm struggling too in a very similar situation with saying something to a friend I wish I hadn't said, and so I'm adapting your self-kindness exercise to my situation and giving myself time and space to get out of the EF rather than digging myself further into it by trying to figure out what I can say now to "fix" what I already said that I can't take back.  Thank you always for sharing 

[Not Alone]

Notalone, I'm so glad that me sharing is helpful to you. I find that sometimes writing about what's happened with parts on a journey helps them feel witnessed, and being witnessed helps them to unburden. I think there were things in the IFS book that didn't feel quite right for me either.

Snowdrop, I copied this onto my journal because I didn't want to hijack your journal. That is a really interesting idea that your sharing on OOTS helps the parts feel witnessed and then unburdened. Next time I think about sharing, I'll consider that. I started writing a lot more about this, but felt unsafe.

Not sure why, but I feel reassured that you had some parts of IFS that didn't feel quite right for you. My new therapist is an IFS therapist. He reassured me that he's open and doesn't "follow all the rules." I feel like his training and experience will be a great help to me and that he will be attuned to where I am and what I need.

One of my Littles has felt compelled to color in the IFS book. She has colored flowers and rainbows on blank pages and pretty borders on other pages. I think the message is: "I am willing to try this. I am me. I'm in charge." I think the coloring is about a sense of control.

[Not Alone]

Bach, your love and hugs mean a great deal to me.  Glad you are trying to be kind to yourself regarding what you said to your friend.

San,

with the work you're doing, notalone, and the progress you're making, i have no doubt that more balance is in the future for you. 

Your words were a great encouragement to me.

I think in the past, I have been 90-100% focused on my past and therapy or 90-100% being a relatively put-together-functioning person, and dismissing the impact of my past &/or not believing my trauma. I feel a bit like a window has opened for me. I'm no longer looking at this journey as something I need to get through/have enough healing that I can go back to being the "put-together-functioning" person. I will continue on this journey, finding ways to bring healing and kindness to myself, honoring the little girl and everything she went through. I will also live in the here and now, being in relationship with my family and friends. Not sure how to do this, but it feels hopeful to look at being truthful and honoring to my past and present at the same time.

I'm processing as I write, so I hope this makes sense.

[sanmagic7]

i thought it made perfect sense, and actually sounded like a lot of balanced thinking!  looks to me like you're absolutely on the right track!  yay!   love and hugs, notalone.

[Snowdrop]

It makes sense to me too, Notalone. I'm hopeful that balance can be found, and over time you'll find out what that's like.

That is a really interesting idea that your sharing on OOTS helps the parts feel witnessed and then unburdened. Next time I think about sharing, I'll consider that. I started writing a lot more about this, but felt unsafe.

Particularly early on, I found that some parts wanted more witnesses in order to help them unburden, and sharing here gave them those witnesses. Other parts didn't. Sometimes I've gone back and edited my post to remove details, as they no longer need to be there.

I think it's about whatever feels right and safe for you. Also your therapist can witness, if that's helpful to your Littles, and that may well be enough.

Not sure why, but I feel reassured that you had some parts of IFS that didn't feel quite right for you.

I'm glad me saying that helped. I think IFS is pretty flexible. I took the bits that resonated, and adapted them for me. At some point I'll read the book again, and see if there are other bits that now resonate.

I feel like his training and experience will be a great help to me and that he will be attuned to where I am and what I need.

Yes, definitely this.

One of my Littles has felt compelled to color in the IFS book. She has colored flowers and rainbows on blank pages and pretty borders on other pages. I think the message is: "I am willing to try this. I am me. I'm in charge." I think the coloring is about a sense of control.

This is beautiful.

[Sceal]

Just sending you some good thoughts.

[Not Alone]

San, Snowdrop, Sceal, and ALL: 

There is a lot going on internally, but the Part isn't ready to share.