Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Bach]

Lots of love to you and Hope and all 

[Not Alone]

Thank you Hope and Bach. Hugs to you. 

I'm not working today and my usual Friday commitment is cancelled. It allowed for some time for the Littles to be present. Hope colored a picture of herself shooting coronaviruses and the viruses turning into rainbows. She wants me to send it to T1. I also took a picture of it and sent it to four people in my life who know about my DID and Hope. Jo wrote a thank you note to someone. She has been meaning to write it for a long time, but it has been put off for many reasons.

Jo (11) and Hope (5) have been writing letters and coloring pictures for me to send to T1. I told them that we needed to wait until we have been seeing new therapist for two months before I send the letters. I want to have time to connect with T2. I feel like that transition has been happening. When something has come up, my immediate thought has switched from telling T1 to telling T2. However, this morning when Hope colored a picture for T1 and her feelings about it, I realized that she has very little attachment with T2. It seems that as other parts of me are growing in trust of T2 and experience him as a caring person, Hope isn't feeling that trust or connection. I think when I have my Skype session on Monday, it will be good for Hope to spend some time with T2; no agenda, just to get to know him.

[Not Alone]

My eating has been out of control for quite some time now. I know I comfort eat. I know the Littles comfort eat. I wrote the word "food" in balloon letters in my journal. Inside of the letters I wrote down things that were weighing on me. I outlined the letters in thick black lines. When I looked at it, it seemed the thick black lines were a fence or a guard. In other words, food is a way of protecting me or helping me to deal with my issues. A coping mechanism. Tonight I, as always, had the urge to eat. When I told myself no, the urge to self-harm (not strongly) kicked in. It seems that I use food to anesthetize my feelings, which means eating almost continually. If I cut off that anesthesia, the coping mechanism of SH seems to kick in. I did some tapping tonight. Don't really know if it helped.

Being out of control with food is a big issue. Needing constant sedation is a problem. Frankly, that I've gotten fat is really upsetting to me.

The eating is much worse from about 4:00 p.m. on. I have two theories about that. It may be just because I'm home from work (sometimes) and have time. Another theory: when I was young, my father left for work at 3:30, which left me vulnerable.

This is a big deal. I have been telling myself that I'll get it under control. Maybe something to deal with way down the line. But it is a big issue. I know I should tell my therapist about this. I feel SO much SHAME. Different from the CSA shame, which is deep, dark and enormous. But I need help. It is too big for me.

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone,

we've all figured out protective behaviors and survival tools during our lives, whether they be to distract ourselves from too much emotion or as a way to protect ourselves from getting overwhelmed - maybe those are the same, maybe they have differences, i think it's individual - and food is one that some of us share.  i know it's been a problem for me during much of my life.

possibly, your timeline for eating after work is over may have something to do w/ not being distracted like you are during the day?  we have been programmed to live in the midst of stress and tension because of all we've been thru.  the nature of this beast is to hurt ourselves when no one else is hurting us - we're used to being hurt, being in pain.  without pain or stress, it can be difficult to be comfortable with feeling ok.  so, what do we do when we feel uncomfortable?  we use something that will return us to a state of emotional or physical stress, because that's what's comfortable for us.

anyway, that's how i see it.  that's how it seems to work for me.  feeling uncomfortable from eating too much or unhealthy stuff or not enough can distract me from emotions, situations, feeling good, making progress, getting a compliment - whatever it is that feels uncomfortable on a level i'm not used to.  feeling good about something i do can feel uncomfortable.  it's more comfortable to feel bad about myself through what i've eaten, how much, etc.  does any of that make sense?  if not, just ignore.

at any rate, i hear you, my dear.  sending a hug filled with love and compassion for what you're going thru.     i do believe that as we get used to feeling better about ourselves, we'll be able to let go of our outside protectors against what we're not used to.

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for sharing this, Notalone. I have thoughts, which I'll write down in case they're helpful. Please ignore them if they're not helpful or don't feel right to you.

As I read your post, it came into my head that in IFS, comfort eating and SH is firefighter behaviour. Maybe there are a couple of firefighters who are trying to distract you from other parts, and when the comfort eating firefighter was cut off, the SH firefighter stepped in. This would be completely understandable, and nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe they're protecting the part who felt vulnerable when her father left for work?

You've said before that your therapist uses IFS. This makes me think it would be really helpful to tell him about this, as it may well help him help you better. Maybe it might be possible to read what you've written out to him?

Sending much love and big hugs your way.

[Not Alone]

San, always appreciate your words and your care and compassion.
Snowdrop, what you said makes sense to me. I think I will take your advise and read what I wrote here to T. Will let you know tomorrow if I follow through and how it goes.

This is a difficult and vulnerable issue for me. Thank you for responding. 

[Snowdrop]

I know it's hard, Notalone. Here for you.

[sanmagic7]

with you all the way with this, notalone.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

I did read March 29 post to T yesterday. We talked about it on many levels, many issues involved with food. I spent last night clutching teddy bear (Roman), feeling lots of fear. Therapist had some significant insights. Another complex issue, but seeing some of the reasons behind my behavior helped me to understand why the many weight loss programs that I did were only successful for limited time periods.

However, this morning when Hope colored a picture for T1 and her feelings about it, I realized that she has very little attachment with T2. It seems that as other parts of me are growing in trust of T2 and experience him as a caring person, Hope isn't feeling that trust or connection. I think when I have my Skype session on Monday, it will be good for Hope to spend some time with T2; no agenda, just to get to know him.

The entire session yesterday was spent talking about food and the deeper issues involved, so there wasn't time for Hope to be there. I have another session on Thursday. I did two art therapy projects last night so I do feel a strong need to talk about those, so there might not be time for Hope to see T on Thursday either. Before covid-19, the plan was for Hope to tell her memory to T this Thursday. Won't do that as long as sessions are not face to face. That would not feel safe or kind, at all.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're making some progress.  sorry that hope's timetable has gotten knocked off track.  hang in, ok?  we're all hanging together  love and hugs, my dear.

[Snowdrop]

A big Well Done for reading the post to T, Notalone. I know that it wasn't easy.

[Hope67]

Sending you a safe and comforting hug, if that's ok Notalone   
Hope 

[Bach]

Sending love and hugs  Hope you are okay 

[Sceal]

 

[Not Alone]

San, Snowdrop, Hope, Sceal, Bach, and ALL:

Thank you for your support and kindness.

I'm continuing to meet with T online. I find that difficult, but grateful that I am still able to have therapy sessions.

Everytime I start to write something specific on my journal, it doesn't feel safe. I don't know if that's because I feel less safe with seeing T on a computer screen instead of face to face or it there is another reason. Well, I'll respect whatever part of me is feeling unsafe and for the moment won't write details. Continuing to work on issues, although telling memories has been put on hold until I can see T face to face.

I am an "essential employee" so I am still working. I did tell my T that it would be nice if the cPTSD took a break while the world was going crazy. He said it just exacerbates it. Yep.

to all my safe friends