Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

sanmagic7 · April 11, 2020, 03:55:53 AM

back atcha, notalone.

i think it's a very good idea to honor your unsafe instincts. if/when you're feeling safer, you'll be able to write what you want. if you don't ever, that's ok, too. your process, your pace, as always. totally respected. love and hugs

Bach · April 11, 2020, 03:51:17 PM

I get it, notalone

It's hard for anything to feel safe right now. I didn't even want to do my therapy sessions last week because what is there in the world right now that is safe to look at closely and engage with? I feel like all my energy is taken up just keeping on a calm face from moment to moment and stopping myself from freaking out about everything, never mind doing any grappling with the hard stuff that even at the best of times is there and present somewhere, to some degree.

I get very impatient with therapy when it feels more like mundane conversation about life's troubles that I might have with anyone I was close to and less like something wrenching and painful and important that will result in my MAKING PROGRESS WITH HEALING or whatever, but I'm coming to an acceptance that it's all important even if it's not happening on my timetable.

Lots of love to all of you

Not Alone · April 11, 2020, 05:47:07 PM

Thanks, San. I feel your care and acceptance.

Quote from: Bach on April 11, 2020, 03:51:17 PM
I get very impatient with therapy when it feels more like mundane conversation about life's troubles that I might have with anyone I was close to and less like something wrenching and painful and important that will result in my MAKING PROGRESS WITH HEALING or whatever, but I'm coming to an acceptance that it's all important even if it's not happening on my timetable.

Lots of love to all of you

Yes, that is so hard. Internally I have a feeling of "I need to hurry and deal with this stuff!" Love and hugs to you, Bach.

In my last session, I told T about a therapist that I saw decades ago. The relationship was very complex and ended up being rather damaging. Not all bad, which makes it more confusing. Today, I mailed letters and pictures that the Littles had made for the therapist that I stopped seeing two months ago. I wanted to wait two months to give the Littles and I time to separate and get used to the new therapist. I was feeling really irritated with my husband. I went to make lunch and the thought of making tuna salad seemed overwhelming. The mess in the kitchen---food to prepare for Easter---a walk before it gets cold enough to snow again in a couple of days--------all those thoughts, those "to do" seem overwhelming. I felt depressed. Then I realized, issues with therapist from decades ago, switching therapists two months ago; I am feeling loss. To define it as loss and not vague depression helps a little. I need to figure out how to help myself right now. What would be kind? I don't know. Maybe I need to curl up for awhile. Will try weighted blanket, bear and music.

Not Alone · April 11, 2020, 10:35:38 PM

I spent about 1 1/2 hours under weighted blanket with bear and music. Then I prepared one dish for tomorrow. I went for a walk. I did some cleaning in kitchen, more to do. I feel unsettled, like even my skin doesn't fit right. That probably doesn't make sense.

sanmagic7 · April 11, 2020, 11:55:33 PM

hey,

feeling unsettled never bodes well for me, either. it's one of the more disturbing feelings i get. if you'd like, i can sit with you for a bit, just be there, let you know that the earth is beneath our feet and earth mother spirit is embracing us against the tides of unrest that are pounding around us right now. i can also send a virtual hug filled with love and compassion.

Not Alone · April 12, 2020, 01:08:05 AM

Thanks so much, San. I am thinking of you sitting with me reminding me to feel the chair, blanket, etc. I am binge watching T.V. with my husband. I may be in a slight triggered state (EF). Not sure and not sure what it's about. Things seem to be whirling around. Thank you for the hug. I feel it and it helps.

Not Alone · April 12, 2020, 01:53:24 PM

I feel depressed. I feel emptied out. Need to pull it together and make Easter brunch. I've got nothing to give today.

Snowdrop · April 12, 2020, 02:03:09 PM

I'm sorry, Notalone. If it's welcome, I will put a soft blanket round your shoulders, and give you a big hug. I'm also with you in spirit, helping with the Easter brunch.

Bach · April 12, 2020, 02:58:38 PM

Lots of love to you, dear notalone

Not Alone · April 12, 2020, 10:57:17 PM

Thank you Snowdrop and Bach.

Doing okay on the outside. On the inside feel down, heavy, tired.

Not Alone · April 14, 2020, 01:15:52 AM

Quite a few posts since I was on yesterday. Not able to read those right now, but still thinking of all of you with compassion and care.

Drinking a comforting and grounding cup of tea. Feeling the heat and smoothness of the cup. Smelling the light fragrance. Feeling the warm liquid in my mouth and then the soothing heat as it goes down my throat. I am safe. Breathe.

Not Alone · April 14, 2020, 01:50:42 PM

I'm dressed, ready to leave for work in ten minutes. I wish I could call in sick. (And no, I can't b/c of the nature of my job.) I'm not sick. Not unless you count the headache that I've had for 1/3 of my life, not even a bad one today. I just feel sad. I want to go to bed. I don't want to pretend to be happy. Telling myself the same thing I always tell myself. "You can do this. You've done it many times before when you were in worse shape then you are today. You will get through. You'll be okay." One step at a time. One moment at a time. Tired of so much of life being like this.

Hope67 · April 14, 2020, 01:54:11 PM

Dear Notalone, I just wanted to send you a hug of support

Hope

Bach · April 14, 2020, 02:24:01 PM

Quote from: notalone on April 14, 2020, 01:50:42 PM
Telling myself the same thing I always tell myself. "You can do this. You've done it many times before when you were in worse shape then you are today. You will get through. You'll be okay." One step at a time. One moment at a time. Tired of so much of life being like this.

I empathise deeply with this. Sending love and hugs. And bubbles!

Not Alone · April 15, 2020, 01:32:56 AM

Hope and Bach, thank you for your support, hugs and bubbles. That means a lot to me.

Work went okay today. In truth, it was probably a good distraction. I talked to a friend on the phone this afternoon and had a friends-zoom meeting tonight. I'm doing better then this morning. Still feel the weight of stuff I am dealing with, but feeling connected with people in the here and now helps.