who am I?

[Not Alone]

I feel like there are two 'me'; the efficient, functioning and successful person that the world sees, and the scared, lonely and drowning my inside.

I relate to this. Sometimes at work I think, "If they only knew. . ."

[soalone]

Some things came up this week that might be buried memories of something. If true, it would be huge stuff that will send me into a tailspin. Its very scary. Denial is much safer!

Im trying to decide whether to remain with my therapist or not. He is very good and experienced, but 2 1/2 years of talk therapy seems to be going very slowly. He keeps saying that Im not ready to deal with anything till Im stable, and to expect many years of work ahead.  (He isnt saying it because he wants my business. He has a waiting list of years) I feel that I will snap long before that, and need something faster. Both he, and the psychiatrist say that if I switch, it must be someone who does multiple modalities and not only 1-2. And that I must not get anyone with less that 25 years solid experience due to my complex history which is present as well as past. They feel that CPTSD is hard to treat. So complicated!

Do any of you have recommendations of types of helpful modalities? And leads would be appreciated.

[Snowdrop]

I'm getting along well with Internal Family Systems therapy. I've found the book "Internal Family Systems Therapy (second edition)" by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy to be extremely helpful. It's also worth searching YouTube for "IFS Schwartz" and "IFS Schwartz trauma".

[Kizzie]

When things were really bad for me I took some time off work and that helped enormously.  The psychiatrist I saw also switched my medication which made a huge difference within a fairly short period of time (2 wks). Perhaps you could let your P know the med makes you foggy and it's difficult to work so you don't want to take it, and see if there's an alternative.

The other thing I would suggest is to tell your T/psychiatrist what you're telling us (eg "I feel that I will snap long before that, and need something faster"), and see what they have to say about what to do now and as you move forward.  (E.g., there may some group therapy or a support group avail in your area; you may  benefit from adding other modalities to your therapy, etc).

The defenses we used to survive past trauma do tend to ramp up to protect us when we are getting close to feeling the pain/fear/etc of looking at those feelings and memories.  They mean to get us to back away, to dissociate, etc to help us. It may be that you actually need to go slowly until you can face the trauma and/or learn more safety and grounding techniques.   

Hope some of this helps      

[soalone]

Snowdrop, thank you for that suggestion. IFS really is something that sounds very interesting.
Kizzie; I appreciate your input and insights. What you say makes sense.

For now, Im just trying to hang on hour by hour.

[Bella]

Soalone: I want to thank you for starting this thread. I just found this forum, and at the moment my head is almost exploding cause I have so many questions!  You put words to one of my biggest issues.. how to deal with the sensation that everytime I do tell about my experiences, it's like I exaggerates everything. Confusion overwhelmes me..
I really needed to hear your words, and also the other comments here.

I hear your struggles at the moment. Having days like that, where "hanging on" for just one more hour, hour by hour, can feel so overwhelming.  It's terrible. I can only say that it will pass... And you are not alone in this, even if it feels like it at the moment. May things pick up soon, and bring about some relief.

[marta1234]

Yes, thank you soalone for starting this thread. I do feel like my whole life I've been hanging on a thread.
Although for me, I feel like I've never existed for my whole life (I'm still young). It's debilitating when I think of it that way.

[soalone]

Hi Marta and Bella,

Welcome to the forum 

I must admit that I was really surprised to read your replies to my posts. Im so glad that somehow, I was able to help you via my own challenges. Helping others gives meaning to my struggles, and can be very empowering.

I wish I could wave my wand, and tell you that once you become older, the pain magically disappears.  I wish I cold tell that to myself. It doesnt. On the other hand, I have only recently begun this work of healing very recently. Whatever Ive gone through, and still go through, would be such a different journey had I known when I was young. 
Time doesnt always heal. Festering wounds dont heal with a Bandaid. All that does is hide them from sight. Infection needs to be uncovered and cleaned. Only then can real healing begin. And yes, we will be left with scars. Scars are reminders that we have been through challenges. And survived. And become stronger.