Desperate-please help

[no_more_fear]

Hi everyone,

I'm really nervous about posting here, but I need help and I'm desperate to know I'm not alone.

I'm 32 and a number of days ago I realised everything that's been going on with mother and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm in * at the moment. Throughout the last week through unearthing more and more information I have come to the conclusion that I have CPTSD. Every second I've been awake I've been researching this, I can't seem to stop. I'm having a lot of flashbacks and a million things that happened in my life finally make sense. Not to mention the feelings of inadequacy make sense, the huge amounts of guilt and most of all the fear. Fear is killing me right now. For example, I became ill five years ago and I'm still ill. The cause has never been known, but now I know it's somatic.

I'm seeing a therapist next week, so that's covered, but in the meantime, how do I cope?

The thing is, I'm driving my amazing husband absolutely mad with all this and he can't take it anymore. It's been constant for days. I sat up until the early hours of the morning because I was too frightened to go to sleep. My mother lives a couple of blocks away from me and I keep thinking she'll come over.  I've put locks in place, but it's not enough.

I keep sensing there are worse memories to come and that scares me to death. Can I even trust my memories? I don't know.

I can't seem to find the exact information I really need about one specific thing. I keep looking for it over and over. What it is, is that she's been a constant in my life for its entirety, but yet I had this almost eureka moment last week and everything has come tumbling down and culminated in these worsening flashbacks. I want to know if anyone else has had this crazy, like clarifying moment where everything makes sense. I knew something was wrong for years, so have I been in denial? Has she groomed me? It seems I've had some dissociative state for a crazy amount of years and I'm going mad thinking how have I been so blind.

Please help me, I can't go through another night like last night.

[Jdog]

No More Guilt-

Yes, you are truly in a difficult place.  You are a survivor, as we all are on this forum, and you will make it through this rough patch.  The best advice I can give is the simplest - take just one step at a time.  Do one healing thing - whatever that may be for you.  Drink calming teas, listen to music, and breathe more deeply.  What else can you think of that feels good in the moment?  Just try one at a time. 

I'm glad you have therapy to anticipate.  That will be a big help.  It may not sound believable at the moment, but you will get through this.  Perhaps take a break from reading about Cptsd, which reminds you of what is "wrong" with you (with any of us, really).  What has made you able to survive?  What is one strength?  You are much more than a diagnosis, much more than the pain you feel.  You have value that cannot be taken away by your Mother or anyone else.  You deserve the best treatment you can give yourself.  You deserve self compassion in large amounts. 

Breathe, take one step at a time, and you will find a bit of peace.  You are not alone - each one of us on this forum has been and sometimes still goes through very tough times.  Hold on, and keep posting.

[Dyess]

Hello no more guilt, I too have this obsession with reading as much as I can about the CPTSD trying to find something that will help me get through it quicker. So far it's all been a slow go. You may want to look at some sites on mindful thinking and find some relaxation meditations to calm you down. It may not work the first time or two but keep trying. That helped me some. Getting into therapy is a good move, have you also talked with your doctor about what you are going through? He/She may be able to give a medication to help you sleep, if they feel you need that. But talk to them, okay. Post here whenever you want to, or find other forums to talk to people with the same issues and find out how they cope.

[no_more_fear]

No More Guilt-

Yes, you are truly in a difficult place.  You are a survivor, as we all are on this forum, and you will make it through this rough patch.  The best advice I can give is the simplest - take just one step at a time.  Do one healing thing - whatever that may be for you.  Drink calming teas, listen to music, and breathe more deeply.  What else can you think of that feels good in the moment?  Just try one at a time. 

I'm glad you have therapy to anticipate.  That will be a big help.  It may not sound believable at the moment, but you will get through this.  Perhaps take a break from reading about Cptsd, which reminds you of what is "wrong" with you (with any of us, really).  What has made you able to survive?  What is one strength?  You are much more than a diagnosis, much more than the pain you feel.  You have value that cannot be taken away by your Mother or anyone else.  You deserve the best treatment you can give yourself.  You deserve self compassion in large amounts. 

Breathe, take one step at a time, and you will find a bit of peace.  You are not alone - each one of us on this forum has been and sometimes still goes through very tough times.  Hold on, and keep posting.

Thank you so much. You've no idea how much your words have helped comfort me.

You asked what has helped me to survive? It must be this ridiculous chronic dissociative state that I've been in for years. I just keep thinking I can't be normal to have denied this for so long, there must be something wrong with me. Books have also helped me to cope, getting lost in another world. Except all I keep thinking is, the books I choose weren't even what I wanted. I was just trying to keep other people happy, like reading certain classics that I didn't want to because people told me I should. I'm not me anymore. Besides that anyway, the second I open a book I see triggers and I'm back there and afraid. I know you're right though, I need to step away from this. The only thing that was really me was my love of rock music, so I'll listen to that.

Thank you for saying I'll get through this. I needed to hear that and I hate that everyone also feels this pain, but I'm so happy I'm finally not alone.

[no_more_fear]

Hello no more guilt, I too have this obsession with reading as much as I can about the CPTSD trying to find something that will help me get through it quicker. So far it's all been a slow go. You may want to look at some sites on mindful thinking and find some relaxation meditations to calm you down. It may not work the first time or two but keep trying. That helped me some. Getting into therapy is a good move, have you also talked with your doctor about what you are going through? He/She may be able to give a medication to help you sleep, if they feel you need that. But talk to them, okay. Post here whenever you want to, or find other forums to talk to people with the same issues and find out how they cope.

Thank you for your words, they mean so much. Funny you mention mindfulness, that's what made me remember all the things that happened in childhood. I was meditating for a few months and I started to become more aware. Funny thing though, I didn't even think it was working. Clearly it did though.

My doctors on leave until next week! It makes sense now how I hung onto him for dear life, even though he didn't seem to be able to find the diagnosis. I've always felt like he was someone I 'had', even though our relationship is only patient/doctor. I'm going to see him next week as soon as he gets back. I want to see him so badly right now though.

Thank you, I'll definitely keep posting as it's helping a lot.

[Dyess]

You are very welcome No More Guilt. Remember if you can't bear it any longer go to an Emergency room, call 911, or whatever the emergency number is for your area. Get the treatment you need then you can follow up with your doctor. Just take care of you, okay?

[no_more_fear]

Oh no. I've just found out I'm the freeze type who went into different identities to cope. This is awful.

[Trees]

Dear no_more_guilt,  I sympathize so deeply with what you are going through.  How I wish there was something I could do to help!  I hope you can keep focusing on taking good care of yourself, as much as possible.  Please hold on! 

Why do you think you have separate identities?  What happened?

There is no shame in asking for medication to help you with these awful feelings.  It might take the edge off of the pain.

My thoughts are with you.  Please stay in touch here.   

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi no_more_guilt, how are you doing now? I hope you're safe. What you're going through sounds very overwhelming. Hang in there, it does get better. Just take one day at a time. That's hard enough to do, and much easier said than done. But if you take one step after the other, you can make it through this. Don't lose heart. So many of us have been in very dark places, and we're all still here. All the best. 

[no_more_fear]

Dear no_more_guilt,  I sympathize so deeply with what you are going through.  How I wish there was something I could do to help!  I hope you can keep focusing on taking good care of yourself, as much as possible.  Please hold on! 

Why do you think you have separate identities?  What happened?

There is no shame in asking for medication to help you with these awful feelings.  It might take the edge off of the pain.

My thoughts are with you.  Please stay in touch here.   

Thank you. It means so much to me that you're all here for me, but I think somehow the computer is triggering me because every time I come on the internet I get worse. This is just crap, I need the support. Why am I feeling like this!? That's a rhetorical question. Oh God another trigger. She used to say that to stop me conversing with her. It's not the computer triggering me, it's conversation. I won't let it beat me though. I kept saying to her that she couldn't break me (when I was a child) and she always replied that she'd try her best. Well she didn't. See, I'm feeling empowered at the minute. Soon though I'll feel the terror again.

I'm already on antidepressants and I've upped the dosage which is helping a bit thanks.

Reading about the freeze response survivors (I still can't believe I'm a survivor), triggered a clarification and memories of childhood. I remember the exact moment that I thought- I can't deal with this, I'm going somewhere else. It was when awful stuff was happening at home. And I've hidden behind that person for years. I always knew something was wrong, but I never knew what. I'm too worried to go into more detail in case she see's this. If it helps keep talking to me. Tell me about your situation if you feel up to it?

[Trees]

nmg, I want to help keep you company if that works for you.  I do have experience with the kind of terror and anguish you describe.

For one day, I even had hallucinations.  It wasn't until the next day that it suddenly hit me that the hallucinations were all about the SA when I was a little child.  And my legs collapsed under me and I fell to my knees, the only time in my life that happened.  And I descended into the terror I must have felt as a tiny child. 

I kept the lights on 24 hours a day, and the TV too.  I covered my bedroom window with blackout curtains so no one would know I was there (although I was no longer in danger, technically).  I stopped sleeping, because of the nightmares.  But of course a lack of sleep does no good for a person's rationality.

I had stopped taking my meds a few months previously.  When the terror ramped up big time, I found a new doctor and got back on meds, and that did make things a little better.

I did not even want to be alive, not in so much pain.   But today I am so very very very grateful to be alive!  I am constantly surprised at how glad I am to be alive!  Discovering the truth of what had formed me was painful, and still is.  I have to keep re-building myself as truths surface inside my head.  I keep trying to rein in and incorporate my dissociated shard-selves.

I have been comforted and reinvigorated by the OOTS community, despite my still-surviving fear of people.  The fear is like a form of anorexia, not of food but of human companionship.  I flee it, but it is as necessary as food.

Hold on, to yourself and to your ICh.  (Maybe try working with Pete Walker's 13 steps.)

Hugs to you.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi no_more_guilt, it sounds like you're starting to gain clarity on what's triggering you. That's actually impressive. Flashbacks are so debilitating and paralyzing - and then to think about their causes while in the middle of one, and to come up with answers? Wow. 

It sounds like you've grown up with a very predatory, cruel woman. I'm glad you made it out of there alive. This is probably just the tip of the iceberg of what she's done to you. You never deserved any of this.   

I'm a Freeze type too, though I didn't dissociate too extremely. It was the one thing I could do. If a fox is trapped and can't get out any other way, it'll gnaw off its foot. Being three-footed is bad, but being dead is worse. In the same way, who knows what our Freezing cushioned us from. Who can tell what would have happened to our psyche if we hadn't come up with this way of protecting ourselves. Granted, Freezing isn't healthy adaptive behaviour, and it damages us. But what choice was there?

[no_more_fear]

nmg, I want to help keep you company if that works for you.  I do have experience with the kind of terror and anguish you describe.

I kept the lights on 24 hours a day, and the TV too.  I covered my bedroom window with blackout curtains so no one would know I was there (although I was no longer in danger, technically).  I stopped sleeping, because of the nightmares.  But of course a lack of sleep does no good for a person's rationality.

I had stopped taking my meds a few months previously.  When the terror ramped up big time, I found a new doctor and got back on meds, and that did make things a little better.

I did not even want to be alive, not in so much pain.   (Maybe try working with Pete Walker's 13 steps.)

Hugs to you.

Trees, thank you. Wakening up and seeing these messages means more than I can say. Yes I would love it if you can spare anytime to talk to me, but don't at all think you have to.

I finally got some sleep last night, but I'm having very vivid dreams about a home I haven't started having FB's of, so I suppose that means they're to come and that terrifies me. My FB's up until now have been of our first home where there were a series of events. I suppose they're nightmares I'm having now and I'm even scared to go to sleep. I'm ill and have been for years and I need my sleep, so I'll have to get over this.

Yeah I'm keeping a lot of lights on and T.V too, not the blackened windows though. Although when you said it I thought, hmm that's an idea! I want her to think I'm ready and waiting for her though. She lives very near me, so I'm worried she'll come over. If she was going to hurt me she would have done it before though, wouldn't she? That's what my rational mind says.

I've got Pete Walker's book, thanks. I'll look at the twelve steps today.

I meant to ask you, you say you stopped taking medication when the  terror began. Is that because you were afraid to take medication? I always have been and am reluctant to start anything the doctor gives me. Is that because I was conditioned not to trust what was given to me? I've always wondered about it.

I too have thought that I can't live with this pain. But I won't give her anymore cause for victory. I understand it exactly is what I'm trying to say.

Again, thank you for everything.

[no_more_fear]

Hi no_more_guilt, it sounds like you're starting to gain clarity on what's triggering you. That's actually impressive. Flashbacks are so debilitating and paralyzing - and then to think about their causes while in the middle of one, and to come up with answers? Wow. 

This is probably just the tip of the iceberg of what she's done to you. You never deserved any of this.   

I'm a Freeze type too, though I didn't dissociate too extremely.

Schrodinger's cat,

Thank you for saying you were impressed with the clarity I'm gaining. That's the one thing in my life that I know was all me, my rationality. She can never take that from me. I'm scared though, more is to come and that terrifies me.

I had a FB last night when I was holding my dog. I FB'ed to that dissociative state that I used to enter. I had dogs when I lived at home, so I'm assuming it happened when I was young and holding him. I think that means that I just did it sometimes and not always. Do you think I'm like you then and it's not too severe? I'm sorry I shouldn't be asking you, it's just I didn't understand so much for so long that now I'm desperate to understand it all. I suppose in that regard, I actually need FB's to understand more.

[Rrecovery]

Hi no_more_guilt and Welcome    I'm glad that you found this safe, nurturing place.  Your ability to dissociate and survive such horrendous circumstances was a strength, not a weakness.  You deserve your own compassion and respect.  I'm glad you are experiencing clarity after so many years of confusion. Like other members have said, be sure to take breaks, find distractions that are helpful.  Personally I love exercise, it burns off extra adrenalin (especially weight lifting) so you can feel calmer.  You have survived, and now you are on a path of healing so you can thrive.  I'm glad you're here