I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject

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daisyhope

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I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject
« on: February 13, 2020, 08:02:44 AM »
I havenít posted here since May 2018...but I have popped on from time to time...I didnít know where else to turn tonight...well...itís almost 3am where I am at. I am a mess and have been for a while...but tonight...it is all coming crashing down...and I donít know where else to turn...I canít sleep...but if I dose off I have nightmares...I am having flashbacks from every trauma Iíve experienced all at once...child abuse...sexual assault at 19...I am on a hair trigger with panic...and life just will not quit throwing punches. 

What I wrote in about nearly 2 years ago is still reaching back in...a co-worker of my husbands is bent on destroying him...and this individual is massively triggery for me...reminds me exactly of my dad...my husband came home today and found out the co-worker is leaving...but not before there is a meeting with 2 departments at the end of this week that this co-worker works in and he plans to let out his beef with my husband on his way out...my husband is manager over him....the heads of those departments are with my husband...but I just cannot do this with people anymore...we have mutual friends involved...it is ugly and I cannot take people who are nasty and abusive anymore...there has been too much crap in my life...everything is bubbling up...even things I thought I had dealt with...and this on top of it...I am just so done with it all and there is no escape.

The cost on my body...the cost on my marriage...the cost my kids are feeling...I am so tired of not being the mom I want to be because I am a mess trying to heal...but I canít heal because there is no end to abusive people in my life....there is noĒtell yourself your safe nowĒ because I am not...and there is no one who gets this...I try and open up and I just get stared at...I donít even know what else to say...I am sorry for the rant...but I am putting this out there to try and get this off my chest somehow...and I have yet to find a therapist who is helpful...so I am at a loss there too...this is the worst it has been for me for as long as I can remember and I feel so alone...so thanks internet folks for being a place I can turn to...so I donít completely lose my mind...(and sorry for any typos...I am so foggy brained) thanks all.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2020, 05:28:41 PM by Kizzie »

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Snowdrop

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Re: I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2020, 08:25:56 AM »
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hear you. Please know that you're not alone. You're in a place here where people get it, and I hope writing about it has helped. :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2020, 03:39:32 PM »
 :hug:  :grouphug:

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Kizzie

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Re: I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2020, 08:57:06 PM »
Really sorry you are dealing with abusive people and things are so ugly right now Daisy.  You aren't safe right now, we get that. There are awful people out there and they make life miserable, that's the reality we all struggle with, but especially so when we are survivors.  It just feels like it is all too much. 

The thing that is different from when we were kids is we have somewhere to talk about it all, and people who will validate and comfort us.  We don't have to be alone with situations like this anymore, so please do turn to us here and let it out. 

Sending a huge  :grouphug:  your way.


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notalone

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Re: I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2020, 11:54:00 PM »
I hear that you are feeling like everything is crashing in on you, panicked and overwhelmed. I know I can't do anything to make it better, but I want you to know that I hear you.

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sanmagic7

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Re: I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2020, 07:09:48 AM »
daisy, i've been going thru something very similar since last sept.  just want you to know i hear you, i'm battling right beside you, am messy as all get-out still, just trying my hardest to make it to the next day.  it really sucks.  sending love and a hug filled w/ strength :hug:  as someone told me today, you are beautiful.

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daisyhope

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Re: I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2020, 09:59:46 AM »
Thank you all so much for your kind words...it helps knowing I am not alone...though I wish none of us needed this forum...thanks for helping me make it one more day...sending hugs back to you all.

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: I am such a mess..canít even think of a subject
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2020, 11:39:53 AM »
Daisy,

You are dealing with so much right now. It's understandable that you feel triggered.   It's the kind of challenging situation that anybody would find extremely difficult to cope with.  Add to that the traumas that you've experienced previously in life, and it's  no surprise that you feel how you feel.

I hear your pain and I agree with how you feel about abusive people.   It is very hard for us when have to cope with, yet another abusive person. Your feelings, whilst unpleasant, are valid. I totally relate to how you feel.  It seems that your feelings/reactions are a natural response to a very challenging period, on the back of a difficult childhood and lifetime.

I agree that it's difficult to heal when you are still experiencing new traumas that can deepen old wounds. Perhaps now is a time to survive, and when you are past this difficult period you can refocus your energy on healing.

I am hoping that this difficult period will pass soon, without too much more trauma.

Sending you hugs  :hug: