Realizing the Depth & Gravity

[Phoebes]

I feel like my wheels have been spinning a lot. Hearing some acquaintances re-cap their road to where they are, personally and professionally, I realize how so the opposite my life has been. How entangled in my Nm I was, even when I thought I wasn't. How sabotaged I was. It's egregious how thorough Nm was in betrayal.

But, I feel responsible for the outcome. Mad at myself I didn't choose differently. Create my own path. Forge ahead despite this one or two measly person in the world belittling and berating and down right throwing tantrums at any discussion about my wants and desires. The others I know who are doing their thing without fail mention the support of their parents or adults in their life. It angers me, and it makes me feel stupid, all at the same time. Angry at them, and then at myself.

I try not to talk harshly to myself anymore as I did that long enough. But I am feeling like an extreme loser right now. How did I let this happen? Basically living a life doing things I don't want to do, in relationships with people I don't want to be with, being treated how I don't want to be, and now completely alone, struggling to see how I can fix this at this point in life. I'm embarrassed to express any of this to ANYone. Especially not my friends who are functioning so much differently in the world.

[sanmagic7]

hey, phoebes,

i hear ya, my dear.  altho we do make our own choices, we can only make the choices we are taught, conditioned, and supported for.  you say these other people had adults who supported them - how different your life might have been if you'd had the same.  your choices would have reflected different training, perspective, perceptions, energy levels - everything we've had distorted and/or corrupted by not getting that support we so sorely needed.  plus, we've had to use so much brain power and energy battling one thing or another every day.

in the end, it's not intelligence that has failed us, but has, instead, gotten us to this place right now, where we have survived, where we can look down our paths and see what went wrong, understand and realize why this happened, and move forward to make our lives better for ourselves.  i believe, rather than being losers, we are some of the smartest people ever created.  as long as we keep moving ahead, we are, in reality, winning the war against this beast.  it has beat us up enough - you don't have to add to that.  you've suffered and made it thru to today.  i'm really glad of that - glad to have you here, even if you're not perfect.  you are still valuable and precious.  sending a hug filled w/ love and healthier choices from this day forward.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, San. I really appreciate your support and thoughtful words. I really do get it, intellectually. I guess where the rubber hits the road is the hard part. What to do? How to change? How to get from A to B?  What IS my vision for myself?  Who am I? How do I start ALL over?

I listened to a podcast of a close friend who I really admire how he has forged the life he has, creatively and personally. I admire him, but he's also who I envisioned ending up with one day. (Figuratively) I knew some of his story, but the takeaway really was that certain decisions along the way built on themselves and got him where he is, one step at a time. But a big theme was the support of his family members and encouragement. For example, he moved where I grew up in HS (I didn't know him them), and his parents soon helped him enroll in a HS for the arts. The same HS I wanted to just look into when I heard about it in HS, because I was good at art and wanted to build on that. But that was a big huge H<LL NO. I already knew Nm was not a fan of my doing art, but this request brought out the rage and sabotage in her.

I don't know why other than sheer meanness and control. It would have required being driven there, but my dad's office was nearby. My dad was an artist, and HE didn't even support me. That was all for HIM. Anyway, as prolific and educated and rich lifelong experience as he has, he spoke a lot about how his teachers at this school really planted the right seeds and helped give him the confidence to this he could do this for career. That was just one more trigger. Why not me?

Now I'm just...old. Out of practice. A lifelong struggle to express myself. Just realizing it's been a worthiness issue. And also that I was told and treated like I wasn't worthy at every turn. It would be a triumph to finish one painting these days. Or start. I've been talking about it for a long time. My "person", my grandma, and I used to paint together, and since she passed, I've not done any art. I know that's not healthy, and it's not healthy to "need" another to support you at this stage. I'm just sad, and mad. Sorry to ramble.

[sanmagic7]

no need to apologize, sweetie - that's what this place is here for.

do you have a t?  is that a possible place to start getting other validation, build your confidence, get some encouragement?  i'm sending you a hug full of all that  but i know it's not the same as getting it from the people in our lives.

if i may, i'd like to encourage you to get back to your art.  i believe that the spirit of important people in our lives can continue to live within us, and, therefore, i believe your grandma would love to know that you've begun again, that her spirit might be with you.  i don't know if you believe like that, but i truly do. 

as far as old goes, please, do not let age ever be a stopping place for doing what you want.  that is one of the more important things i tried to teach my daughters, and i've been able to do it myself.  just last year, at 72, i put out my first book.  i was 60 when i wrote a paper that got published in a professional journal.  those were both dreams of mine that i'd had for years and years.  you can do this, you can make beautiful paintings again, i just know it.  i have faith in you.  so does your grandma.  she'd love to know that her tradition with you has lived on, no matter how long it took.

i hope you don't give up.  those people who weren't there for you, well, poo on them!  you get to decide just what kind of person you want to be every single day, and by taking even small steps in that direction, you'll finally realize who you are and what you're really capable of.  the smallest steps count.  just getting out a canvas, setting it up, seeing it there, ready for your creativity to transform it can be a step.  as big or small as works for you, it's still a step.  your artist soul may have been stifled, but it is not dead.  the spark is still alive.  sending you love and a hug filled w/ a fan to help that spark burst into flame.

[Phoebes]

San, thank you so SO much! You don't know how much you help! 

Congrats on your book! Can I read it? That's inspiring that you came through and got your article published. That's wonderful! I think when we just be ourselves and live our dreams it is the best example for others.

I really want to be one of "those people"- the ones who start over, or START, later in life and turn it all around. I think it's possible, but having a little fan to the flame really helps a lot. You've inspired me that I CAN do that! Truly expressing myself is hard, and I want my art to be meaningful. Expressive. New. I never really learned how. I just did it-self-taught. I know she would want me to be painting. It helps to hear you say "no matter how long it took." I get really hung up on that. Like, how many decades can one person be frozen?