Feel like a Jonah to my family - Poss Trigger

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Pilgrim

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Feel like a Jonah to my family - Poss Trigger
« on: February 16, 2020, 01:37:27 PM »
I feel that i ever only come here when I'm in need rather than supporting others too and for that I am so very sorry.

One of my teenage children had an extremely abusive (psychologically and then physical) relationship while still at school. We only found out once she ended it. By that time she had been made to stop attending school for half the year despite it being her crucial final year. She was a predicted straight 5 As and still she managed, now having been given PTSD, to get 2As, B and C. But that C was in a subject which managed to scupper her dream - she does have other uni alternatives - but I feel that her abuser has still won, accomplished what he so maliciously set out to do and there is nothing I can do . I keep asking myself why couldn't she come to me? I should have done something. It's not about grades and unis but the squashing of dreams of a child. What if she is doomed to become me? What if the real answer is that it is all my fault. I've been detained (sectioned) into hospital a number of times during her childhood - that can't have helped.    Since the news I can't stop my secret tears and my self-loathing has escalated - I am a millstone around the necks of my beautiful family, a Jonah to their dreams. They all need and deserve a better person. I love them with all my heart - I have never loved and been so loved in my life. I want the best for them - they deserve it. I want to set them free - a short pain for a lifetime of peace for them. What can i do for the best? i'm lost and my mind awash with dark thoughts.

thanks for listening. Hope i haven't upset anyone.

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Phoebes

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Re: Feel like a Jonah to my family - Poss Trigger
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2020, 02:44:26 PM »
Hi, Pilgrim!

I feel like you in that I have come on here in my struggles lately, but haven't been much support. Your post made me think of something I read recently about "the only thing we can do for others is work on ourselves." Or something like that.. that resonated with me. An anti-codependent sentiment, if you will.

It must be terribly hard to raise a teenager, and to see them hurt. I don't have one myself, but I teach them, and have close friends and cousins with similar situations to what you describe. From the troubled teen perspective (thinking of myself), I feel like what would have helped me is if my mom tried to work on herself and even would have pointed out where she felt she went wrong. I'm certainly not comparing you with my N-mom, you're clearly caring of your daughter and want to help, not hinder. I've always understood there were a lot of things passed down in my family, and I understood why my mom couldn't be there in the right way. But I felt, regardless even of her abuse and neglect, if I knew she loved me-if she could show me that- express her remorse or empathy for how she treated me, it would mean the world to me. We would be reconciled if she could do that. But she can't. It sounds like you love your daughter a great deal and may even overly-attribute some things to yourself.

My thought is only that if you express yourself to your daughter, show empathy, compassion, concern, and that you are working on yourself so you can be your best for you and for her, I think it would go a long way for her as well. You may already be doing that, and clearly want to. So, please be gentle on yourself. It's ok you've had your own struggles too, and things aren't perfect. Your kids want and need you around, caring for them, being supportive. This learning experience for her may end up helping her with future decisions. It's hard lessons many of us have made. Could she retake any of her classes? There must be a solution where she can still follow her dreams. I hope this isn't too much.

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Pilgrim

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Re: Feel like a Jonah to my family - Poss Trigger
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2020, 04:32:37 PM »
Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. After finding out about all the abuse we, as parents, feel that we've got our daughter back. This just seemed like a last kick in the stomach. My daughter has told me more and more about what happened to her and i know i have been repressing a lot of anger towards her abuser because i want her to feel safe and able to talk. She is receiving therapy for her PTSD. I don't want to cry in front of her in case she thinks i'm disappointed in her - what career she wants is entirely her decision and we'll always support her choice and we've never demanded uni from our kids. we've spoken on the phone as she is currently at college but I'm worried that when i see her i will just explode into rage about her ex and that will upset her. There is just so much anger in me at the moment and i fear that, as usual, i will turn it on myself. I'm starting to read Pete Walker's book and i think i need to see and open up about all this to my therapist. Any sign of emotional weakness or empathy as a child  got you a battering in my FOO so being openly upset in front of someone i find very difficult with the double whammy that if i do i berate myself for it. But i need to do something before i do something stupid.

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Phoebes

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Re: Feel like a Jonah to my family - Poss Trigger
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2020, 04:53:04 PM »
I find Pete Walker's books very helpful too. Yes, I struggle to show emotion for that reason as well. Have a hard time healthily expressing anger, sadness or anything like that. The PA and EA really solidified the visceral response-one of the toughest to heal but I'm getting there little by little.
I'm so glad she's opening up to you. Can charges be pressed? Yes, please don't turn it on yourself. You're not the one at fault here. I don't know how to advise to calm the nerves, but maybe best to wait until you feel more calm to see her? Hugs to you!

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Kizzie

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Re: Feel like a Jonah to my family - Poss Trigger
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2020, 06:04:43 PM »
Just wanted to echo Phoebes that this is not your fault.  If your daughter is talking to you about what happened she is doing so because she knows you love her and she is safe. It's what most of us long(ed) for but never had so it doesn't sound like your trauma has overwhelmed her life. 

Two other thoughts I had - if you cry in front of her or let her see how angry this has made you, it shows her how much you care that she was hurt imo. If you turn the anger on yourself you won't be there for her. 

I also wondered if it might be possible that your daughter could re-take the course(s) and bring her GPA up?

 :grouphug:

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Not Alone

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Re: Feel like a Jonah to my family - Poss Trigger
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2020, 12:09:03 AM »
Just wanted to echo Phoebes that this is not your fault.  If your daughter is talking to you about what happened she is doing so because she knows you love her and she is safe. It's what most of us long(ed) for but never had so it doesn't sound like your trauma has overwhelmed her life. 

Two other thoughts I had - if you cry in front of her or let her see how angry this has made you, it shows her how much you care that she was hurt imo. If you turn the anger on yourself you won't be there for her. 
:yeahthat:
It is gut-wrenching when our kids hurt. I'm glad your daughter is out of the abusive relationship and that she has you to listen and love.