New FOO crisis....my anxiety is through the roof now

[holidayay]

I got a call a few days ago from a social worker informing me my sister who is in a psychiatric ward gave birth and that she is not doing so well with caring for the baby. That she just relies on nurses to look after her. The social worker said she was contacting all family members for assessment to see what support they could offer.

How could I even begin to explain to her all the complicated issues and my current relationship with my family due the past abuse? I haven't seen them in over a year now with limited, staggered contact that always ended in more of their horrible rages and manipulation and blaming me.
I am so stressed out and scared because now...there is an innocent newborn involved. My horrible family didn't bother to look after my sister when she was manic or to call for help, so apparently she ended up on the streets, with illicit substances, and got pregnant by a guy who immediately ran away when he found out she was pregnant. It used to always be me who would look out for her and have to take charge of getting her to the doctors or sectioned. This time she was picked up on the streets. It breaks my heart.

I just feel like I can't take anymore. To top it off, this is coinciding with the police ringing me about the abuse from my past I spoke out about to safeguard the baby and my sister, as the abusers are family members. The hospital are aware of this but apparently those family members are visiting my sister and her baby now. I've had months of CPTSD symptoms, constant disturbed sleep, depression and flashbacks with shame and guilt. I'm a shadow of my former self, and feel so hopeless and full of despair.

Its such a big, dysfunctional mess. There is not one single other family member who is capable of thinking/behaving responsibly or caring towards another.
Why can't things just let up...why is it one thing after another and another with no break or good news in-between?
I am exhausted in every way possible. I feel sick and stressed and frazzled and don't even know how I am going to respond to the social worker.
Do I offer help or do I continue to stay away, as my sister is hellbent on having the family involved in her life, which is extremely detrimental to my health? If I stay away, what about the poor baby? She hasn't done anything wrong and the thought of them starting the whole cycle up again with her makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I can barely look after myself at the moment. I can barely cope. The future seems hopeless and distressing.
I am racked with guilt, and with no idea of what is morally right anymore.
I can't take my mother's narcissistic manipulations or rages. At all. I can't stand my younger sister's copycat personality of my mum, and sense of entitlement and ease with which she lies and needs constant attention and counselling and helping to mop up her messes, and financial assistance. It goes on and on and on....

How on earth do I switch off from all this. How will I get through this and move on? What does the future look like? Will things ever get better?

I immediately got sick leave from work and travelled up to stay with friends.

[Snowdrop]

Oh no. It seems to be one thing after another. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you've got sick leave and are staying with friends.

To me, it sounds as though you need to take care of yourself before you can think of anything else. You sound exhausted, and I would be too in that situation.

Are you still seeing a therapist? Once you're up to it, would it help to talk through this with them?

Sending you a big safe hug if that's ok.

[sanmagic7]

 

i'm with snowdrop all the way on this.  self-care, which it sounds like you're doing by getting sick leave and staying with friends, sounds absolutely like one of the best things you can do.

i'm so very sorry that all this is happening, about the baby, - everything.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.  you are loved and cared about. if that helps.

[holidayay]

Thank you both. when you say if it helps - it absolutely does. Its very calming and healing to read replies 

I'm feeling better and more stable after having my friends around and allowing them into problems which i would previously keep locked away. Its been an eye opener just how much I used to always take onboard by myself and was always told by my mum to keep private all our family dysfunction and how terrible that was for my mental health - now im doing things differently, it feels like....wow, there's other ways of dealing with problems that don't involve me taking all the responsibility, guilt and shame and anxiety that leads to breakdowns.

Had an update re: the baby. Social worker went to court already and obtained permission for foster parents to look after baby in the interim for at least a few weeks until the next steps are addressed. I asked how she was and she said, she's a very happy baby so far who loves cuddles. That made my heart melt and I was so happy to hear this!!! Bless her. She said that she and the police would like to meet with me if i could travel to that city where they live (my home city and where my family still live) to give my statement and input into the family situation. I told her I'd need to think about it as it is a lot to process and also im worried going back to that city after all this time might be too much for me. And if I bump into any family members...
I'm not sure yet.
I do know I need to look after me though.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so glad you posted an update. I was thinking about you and wondering how things are.

Well done for letting your friends in. That's a big step. I'm so glad that they're there for you. It's good news about the baby too. It sounds as though she's being well looked after, thank goodness.

Would it be possible to meet the social worker and police somewhere other than that city? Just wondering if that would make it easier for you if you decide to meet with them.

[holidayay]

Hey,

Yes, the police said they can meet me in the city I work in, once I get back. We're meeting March 14th.

I feel so horrifically alone today and yesterday. No matter how many people I see or talk to, I feel so alone, lost, confused and scared. I want to cry but can't. There's a huge confusion between the bonds to the family I felt as a child, no matter what they did, and trying to not feel those same bonds now....trying not to see them as my support, the people I should be always helping and looking out for, and protecting, and keeping all the secrets tightly in so they are protected...I used to feel like being successful at keeping the family secrets somehow made me a good member of the family, a good person and something to be proud of.....something the family would  congratulate me on and the rare moments of validation and approval.
All of that was just based on their own selfish need to get away with everything. Me protecting them made them happy for them, not for me. It meant they could get away with more. That's what they were really celebrating and applauding whenever I covered their backs and stayed in line.

I'm so sad. They never actually cared about me, at all. I'm just nothing to them if not a utensil.

[Ambassador]

Holidayay, I can relate to pretty much all of what you've said, and am going through a similar situation; the cognitive dissonance (mismatch of feeling FOO is supportive and loving with memories of their terrible behavior), having to lie about family and be rewarded for it as "good", "loving", etc, feeling alone despite connecting with others, and anxiety being tenfold; I recently had an incident with my own sister, and since then trying to talk to anyone - including "proven safe" people - has felt exactly like trying to pull a dog who doesn't want to walk and is pulling backwards.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation in that I have a younger stepsister who is showing symptoms I have of being in an abusive family, and I feel like I should do something to prevent this cycle continuing, yet am legally helpless. Though I can't speak on what would help with your niece, I do find some solace in knowing that there are many others who can help her; the fact there's a case and social worker on it gives her a strong chance at getting out. And there are many people who do grow up in hardship who are successful later in life; Kelly Clarkson, Will Smith. Even more start out in similar lives and are adopted into loving families.

Ultimately, I agree with the other posters; self-care first. Any little bit you can do, even if it's getting up to get a glass of water. I can say from experience it does get better, and personally recommend cutting contact with abusive family as much as you can; maybe find some local support groups like NAMI, where you can be around others in similar situations. You've got friends you're staying with, and that's really good; you're prioritizing health, which is worth its weight in gold.

I can't tell you how you'll get through it, except one day at a time. Often, one hour or minute at a time. But I'm very certain you'll be able to get through it nonetheless.

[holidayay]

Holidayay, I can relate to pretty much all of what you've said, and am going through a similar situation; the cognitive dissonance (mismatch of feeling FOO is supportive and loving with memories of their terrible behavior), having to lie about family and be rewarded for it as "good", "loving", etc, feeling alone despite connecting with others, and anxiety being tenfold; I recently had an incident with my own sister, and since then trying to talk to anyone - including "proven safe" people - has felt exactly like trying to pull a dog who doesn't want to walk and is pulling backwards.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation in that I have a younger stepsister who is showing symptoms I have of being in an abusive family, and I feel like I should do something to prevent this cycle continuing, yet am legally helpless. Though I can't speak on what would help with your niece, I do find some solace in knowing that there are many others who can help her; the fact there's a case and social worker on it gives her a strong chance at getting out. And there are many people who do grow up in hardship who are successful later in life; Kelly Clarkson, Will Smith. Even more start out in similar lives and are adopted into loving families.

Ultimately, I agree with the other posters; self-care first. Any little bit you can do, even if it's getting up to get a glass of water. I can say from experience it does get better, and personally recommend cutting contact with abusive family as much as you can; maybe find some local support groups like NAMI, where you can be around others in similar situations. You've got friends you're staying with, and that's really good; you're prioritizing health, which is worth its weight in gold.

I can't tell you how you'll get through it, except one day at a time. Often, one hour or minute at a time. But I'm very certain you'll be able to get through it nonetheless.

Thank you  this is comforting. I like the philosophy of one day at a time or even one hour/minute at a time. At least, when all else fails, this is a very safe approach.
I'm a bit better. Back in my own city and back at work now, and had a good day yesterday. I realised I'm being triggered by behaviour that is similar to family, in particular.....terrible listening skills from others who then need exceptional listening skills to keep up with their non-stop self-involved dialogues and constant dilemmas. My friend is good-hearted and tries her best but ultimately, she always falls back into endless conversations about herself and how empty she feels and when will it get better and so-and-so at work is making life difficult and chases after many men to find her solace then will sleep or kiss someone else and then feels bad and arghhhhh its endless. What triggers me is when I then decide to switch the convo to ME, her eyes glaze over, she changes the topic and/or says 'two ticks, i have to go now...' and then goes in search of someone else who will take over listening duties.

This is the behaviour of my siblings all over. I'm sad my whole life if unravelling the more I awaken and stick to doing whats right for me - I have lost SO many of who I thought were 'friends' - but I've begun to see friendships done differently....in my new city, I'm meeting people who talk...AND listen. Who take care of their own problems. Who search for solutions without needing endless input. Who doesn't react with chaos and live in a whirlwind of dysfunction. The more I see of that, the less of the old life I want. I can't believe what I used to find attractive/fun.

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, holidayay as far as the changes of perspective regarding friends and family, how it feels to be treated respectfully and have them be interested in me.  what a difference!

i know that feeling of confusion as you look at what was and what could be.  i've discovered that confusion is a period of transition, so it's basically a good thing.  we're questioning where we were and looking at what happened there in a different light.  the more i got into reality about past relationships, the easier it was to eliminate them and choose something different.

keep going - you're learning and embracing your truth, setting boundaries, and realizing what is pos. and what isn't for you and your life.  sending love and hugs, my dear.

[holidayay]

Thank you  as always, the validating reply is so helpful. I'm still working through things and now I am giving myself the permission to take as long as it takes, as long as I need. I have been getting on with daily living much better, whilst still trying to process and work through everything...

Does anyone feel resentful, angry and betrayed at the all the lies that were fed to some of us as kids?
My mum and elder siblings were determined from as long as I can remember to drill it hard and drill it fast that under no circumstances, was I to consider my needs and state of childhood as being in ANY WAY valid or anything other than fodda for ridicule, mockery, anger and a complete annihilation of? My mum used to repeatedly drill into me 'God says the rank goes like this: 1. God 2. MUM 3. everyone else therefore don't you ever forget these words or you will burn in *.
She tirelessly worked everyday to shatter my self esteem and that of my siblings and I am highly resentful that my elder siblings - though they were victims as well - decided to follow suit and jumped on the bandwagon of abusing anyone smaller than them and in a vulnerable position. All I have going through my head constantly is how much I make myself and others cringe, how I am such a huge burden, how everything I think and say is ridiculous and not worthy of anyone taking notice of.
I still get shocked now when my seniors at work ask my opinion, or how I am, and look at me in the eye whilst listening to my answers. No mocking, no shrugging off, no insisting I am to fault and why can't I pre-empty everything and have the answers to everything and have it done already before the situation even arose oh and by the way, why can't i also solve everyone else's problems too....

I'm just flabbergasted at the revelations. That my mum was essentially akin to a cult leader. An extreme narcissist. Training me to suppress and shame myself so there would only be room for her. The amounts of times I was met with anger and ranting and raving and insults every time I acted like a child when I was....a child! I didn't know how to be an adult. I didn't know how to make the pain of her and my dad's troublesome marriage and her constant stories of being a victim be solved or get any better. I didn't know how to deal with the landlord who kept demanding the rent money that was always late, or the school requirements for uniform or forms to be filled in and the benefits forms she wanted to be filled in though she wouldn't bother to learn the language of the country so couldn't understand them.
It was like she wanted me to be completely and utterly devoid of needs and be entirely self-sufficient and on top of that, swimming in abundance of resources to offer HER all the while, insisting and repeating claims of being godly, saint-like and the best mum ever. It was utter BRAINWASHING. She would arrogantly state with a smirk on her face 'all your brother's friends say how amazing a mum I am compared to theirs...' - erm, I'm pretty sure none of them did. She would cook for them and try to charm them. It made my skin crawl.
I am angry and wish I could have been old enough to see her for what she is.
And now, taking stock of all the friendships I put up with over the years...how similar they are to her...it makes me feel sick. One girl I met in medical school who I have recently opened my eyes to - I can now see her as being so manipulative, callous and self-serving. She lies and distorts truth. And she told me a sickening story where she got angry that a patient's family were urging her to go see their relative as the emergency call was out, he was having a fit, and she said she purposely walked slowly towards his room, in full view of them, to annoy them, as she doesn't like being told what to do. She said he passed away a few days later but that it wasn't due to the seizure so she doesn't feel bad. I just kept thinking: imagine that poor family, whose last few memories of their relative included you acting like an arrogant bully, wanting to spite them and risking someone's life in the process just to make them feel bad. And for what? Because they screamed for help??? Why wouldn't they scream to the nearest doctor for help if the emergency buzzer has gone off for their RELATIVE.

I heard this story and froze, suddenly, another realisation hit. All those times I would feel drained, confused, full of doubt and would have items missing that would end up somehow in HER house....it clicked. She is just like my family. I am that classic example of attracting people who are similar to what I have grown up with. That lack of empathy...the wanting to purposely spite others - to spite the family of an unwell patient - it made me sick.