snapping

[soalone]

Im not quite sure where this post should be, now that I am venturing out of the  newbie intro section. If this is the wrong place, feel free to move me.

I hope no one minds if I try to vent out a little over here. Im not in  a good place and am a bit worried about about myself (when Im not too numb or drugged to even feel that)

I started therapy about 2-3 years ago. I thought I was just in need of tools to help me survive my empty, silent marriage.  Other than that; my life was fine and my childhood okay.
Now, a few years and much work later, reality is SLOWLY starting to sink in (unless its  denial day).
My mom has NPD and my dad BPD.
My husband has Aspergers and while we live in the same house, and been married 35 years, if we exchange 5 sentences a week, its a good one.
I suspect that 4 of my 8 children have either ASD or BPD.
I suspect that some of my grown kids may have been abused at some point.
And this week, thoughts seem to be bubbling up that maybe I was also.

No one in my life; other than doctor, therapist and best friend, know that I am anything other than happy, in control and a leader. My family thinks Im a bit 'out of it'  just because Im "getting over Pneumonia and having a Fibromyalgia relapse". They are out of patience with both.

I seem to vacillate between dissociation and numb and extreme anxiety and pain. 
I think that my therapist and psychiatrist are very worried about me.  They asked if I want to be admitted. No!

Thanks for reading (if you have. If you havent, its fine - I will never know )

[Snowdrop]

Dear soalone, I have just read your post. Oof, that's a lot to deal with. I would like to send you a great big (but gentle) hug if that's OK.

It's perfectly OK to vent. Even though our circumstances might be different, people here get it. I hope that getting some of this out has helped you, and please know that I hear you.

[soalone]

Thank you Snowdrop.
I appreciate the support, and love the hugs

[LucySnowe]

Hi soalone, I really appreciated this post. I came to this topic to post about my own suffering, and I like you wasn't sure if it was the right place or where was, but I was comforted by your share. Not by the fact that you are in pain and distress, but to know that I am not alone—and neither are you.

It sounds like your immediate environment might be pretty emotionally isolating, in terms of the awareness you bear and the lack of shared awareness or conversation about what's happening with everyone else emotionally. That is a lot, and it sounds like your body and mind are responding really naturally—and, dare I suggest, healthily?—to all the things you're processing. (And by the way, it doesn't sound like your family has an abundance of patience! I wish you patience and compassion for yourself, during this hard time, when they are struggling to offer it to you.) And beyond your immediate situation, there are many who share your experiences.

It's interesting—I always thought I would rather have mental illness manifest the way it has for you, with a convincing veneer that I'm successful and well adjusted, so that I didn't have to deal with the judgment and pain of being an overt mess and failure. But now I see that there are just different experiences, none better or worse. I can really hear and see how difficult what you're experiencing is.

I hope that you are getting adequate support from your doctors, and am glad you're sticking up for yourself around what you feel you need (and don't need). Admitting can be good—lifesaving and relieving—when it's really needed, but not when it's not.

We're here for you, it can and does get better, and please keep posting when you feel like it. And know that, at the very least, you helped another lonely, troubled soul feel comforted and less alone tonight. 

[LucySnowe]

P.S. There are lots of stories of people who "snapped" and then, because of that, went on to have totally different, joyful, awakened and content lives. Even people who experienced such a thing later in life. A couple examples that come to mind are Byron Katie (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Byron_Katie?wprov=sfti1) and Eckhart Tolle (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eckhart_Tolle?wprov=sfti1).

[soalone]

Hi Lucy,

Thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful and insightful words. You seem to be someone very caring and empathetic. I dont really have the luxury to read other posts often, but know that I still care about all my 'brothers and sisters' who are struggling to see the sunrise.

Im sorry that you are going though a hard time now. Our struggles are so individual; so uniquely ours. Yet by sharing our pain in a safe place - like here- we not only half the burden, but double the support. We are a team; giving and taking in tandem. Holding each other up, and by definition, holding ourselves up too.

With so much going on in the world life is stressful. Personally, I am calm in the face of the virus, perhaps because my inner struggles still outweigh the external. My definite emotional pain is more real to me than a possible physical sickness.

My therapist called 3  days ago to say that he is flying overseas suddenly, and wont be back till this is all over. So, Im taking a deep breath, 'isolating' myself with God, and feeling safer than I have in a long time.
Go figure 

[LucySnowe]

I'm so glad my words were helpful, and thank you for yours.

I am getting better at accepting suffering; not in a way that will keep me stuck in it I think (and hope) but in a way that makes it slightly less terrifying. Baby steps. We are making progress! I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling safer. 

Reach out anytime you need and want; this forum seems very supportive. 

P.S. Speaking of, here is a song I find soothing sometimes: https://youtu.be/wDLFjWM9GrQ