If not my parent... who are others?

[Sasha]

This might sound like such an odd question, but I feel muddled over the past few days, trying to understand who other people are in my life to me and in context to my healing and journey of recovery.

My therapist said to me last week that I may need to grieve for the loss of a parent that I didn't have, as well as a childhood I didn't have (Maybe that is why I've felt so incredibly rubbish all week) and with this has come a sense of disorientation in my understanding of the people around me.

For instance, if I grieve the loss of parent in my life then who, or what, is a partner - if not a rescuer, or a fixer or a 'parent'?

Being blurred on this before now might explain why I have had problems in long term relationships, when I start to trigger and everything becomes incredibly convoluted and unclear between me and a partner. Maybe I am seeking a parent? Therefore unresolved grief gets worked out via the partner, which suddenly seems so unfair on them and also impossible.

And friends. I have sought a level of nurture at times that could also be me seeking parenting, and I am aware that people have at times stopped messaging back, probably because the need is overwhelming. I do feel embarrassed to admit that, although, I can understand why I would have done this and I feel compassion for myself as someone throughout life looking for a family and parenting.

However, in accepting the lack of parent, it means there is so much room for new types of relationships, and possibly protecting my relationships from that pressured dynamic and 'narrative resolution role play'...

I'd be really interested to hear other people's views on what they see as a healthy relationship with a partner, a friend and maybe even a therapist.

And does anyone else have experience of this kind of mental shift, in regards to how grieving having a parent can redefine relationships?

[Sasha]

Also, is it at all healthy to seek parenting in any form in others?

[woodsgnome]

What you've observed and described so well here, Sasha, speaks volumes about why this condition bears the 'complex' tag as its first word. It's messy, rides the subconscious, and seems to have a life of its own.

Meanwhile, we tend to resist grieving what we never had, and it's natural to reach for it elsewhere. Of course this can lead to even more brokenness. Then we get stuck there, and that too can fade into the dark background. How to get out becomes even more elusive.

Personally, this has characterized my relationships as well. I've also reacted in a number of ways, from radical lifestyle changes to changing my name, but not until recently have I understood much of what took place. And worse, the hidden need to grieve (and/or fear of it) has just messed it all up again, and it's just so hard to feel entirely free of the need. Very disconcerting, leading to more hopelessness about ever finding daylight ahead. After all, it (daylight) was never there in the first place.

One thing I've continually tried to adjust is to ... gulp ... grieve yes, but also to form a new person out of the wreckage. I've been doing this for a number of years -- for instance the name change, which in large measure symbolized the break with the psyche I needed to grow away from. Still a work in progress, but it very much makes me resonate with your dilemma. It's natural, though -- why wouldn't it be? It can, in a roundabout way, lead to either seeking new ways of being (on one's better days).

Okay, that's probably enough from my perspective. I just felt very drawn to what you have to say, as it's so eerily familiar; disturbing but also sadly reinforcing that need for grieving your therapist has pointed to.

Best of everything as you continue sorting this out. 

[Not Alone]

What came to my mind: What is the difference between getting support from friends and seeking parenting? When a friend responds with understanding and kindness, is that parenting or just being a good friend? In a parent/child relationship, the parent is the caretaker, nurturer, forgiver, etc. The child is (rightly) needy and the receiver. In a friendship, the relationship is more give and take, although there are times when one person is giving more and the other is receiving more.

I know this is not a direct answer to your questions, but relationships are complex. When you add woundedness to mix, it becomes even more complicated.

[Kizzie]

It's hard to form healthy relationships if we suffer from relational trauma and haven't learned what one is.     And as you suggest, how do we form and sustain relationships if we haven't recovered enough and may ask for too much? 

Adult relationships are generally reciprocal, balanced (although there will be periods when need is more one-sided of course). If our needs outweigh those of the other person in an ongoing way then it doesn't bode well for building a healthy relationship. 

I don't know if seeing a T is enough for most of us because it is a therapeutic relationship. Group therapy seems to be a good option though because there are others like us who get what we're going through and are on an equal footing with us. Safe, caring, holistic therapy F2F communities would be even better  I'm thinking of places such as Body and Soul in the UK.

If we deal with the wounds and gaping holes our trauma has left with us in environments like B&S. then we don't carry that into our relationships with partners, children, friends, employers, etc., at least not to the same degree.  It gives us more of a fighting chance to build and sustain healthier relationships imo. 

[saylor]

I've wondered about this type of stuff, too, Sasha

I've often felt that, since I was barely parented as a child, I've been carrying this decades-long craving for parenting around with me, and sometimes I just want someone (a friend?, a partner?) to voluntarily step in and do the job. Interestingly, my sibling had at some point, unsolicited, told me the same thing... so we both arrived at this realization independently. I think it could be a somewhat natural response for our kind of folk (and it seems somewhat along the lines of the oft-mentioned symptom, "repeated search for a rescuer"). I have to admit, I sort of wince when I think about it. It brings me a bit of shame, like I'm needy or even lazy. Yet, there it is...

Sometimes I wonder if I am, in fact, actually relying on another adult (usually my partner) in some ways, as though I were still a child. When I feel that suspicion, I get paranoid, wondering if it's obvious to others

At any rate, if you subscribe to the theory that we, or at least some of our parts, have been frozen in time (childhood) in response to trauma (and I feel this is true for me), then there really can't be shame in feeling this way. It's "a normal response to an abnormal situation". I think I've settled on a belief for myself that, as long as I'm aware of it and maintain an awareness of the other person and their needs/wellbeing, then I shouldn't beat myself up over my yearnings. I have a small number of ppl I feel close to and care deeply about. I try to take care of them, too, and in the end, I think that's what matters

[Sasha]

Thank you all so much for writing! 

Okay, that's probably enough from my perspective. I just felt very drawn to what you have to say, as it's so eerily familiar; disturbing but also sadly reinforcing that need for grieving your therapist has pointed to.

Thank you for your response, it's so interesting to hear how others perceive this area of recovery. I am very glad I met my therapist and that she positioned this to me. Sad as it is to grieve for lost parenting, I feel focusing on this the other new perspective I am gaining from therapy, I feel like I'm having a breakthrough.

It is leading to new instances where I am able to handle triggers better. As well as possibly helping me deal with the desire to be 'rescued' it's also helping my see that when I am triggered I can yearn for external parenting instead of pulling upon my adult self as a valuable and consistent loving a reassuring resource.

What came to my mind: What is the difference between getting support from friends and seeking parenting? When a friend responds with understanding and kindness, is that parenting or just being a good friend? In a parent/child relationship, the parent is the caretaker, nurturer, forgiver, etc. The child is (rightly) needy and the receiver. In a friendship, the relationship is more give and take, although there are times when one person is giving more and the other is receiving more.

Your comment opened my eyes to the fact that in my romantic relationships I have (unconsciously) partly strived for a parent/child setup in order to try to feel secure. These needs have been misplaced, as the pain of parenting lost in childhood is projected onto a partner as a need that is sadly futile. It cannot be fulfilled to that degree, especially when the consciousness is not present to examine how heavily this need may weigh on a romantic relationship or friendship. It possibly even perpetuates the trauma, as the need is never fulflled. It is misplaced. This sense of identifying the 'location' or timeline of my emotions is something I feel tangibly since I wrote this post and started to grieve more.

Your post also made me think about the nature of the partnership my adult self desires, and that is one of mutual and equal give and take, therefore not the parent/child dynamic. It has been very helpful for me to realise adult self wants something more progressive for me and my partner. Thank you for your comment.

I don't know if seeing a T is enough for most of us because it is a therapeutic relationship. Group therapy seems to be a good option though because there are others like us who get what we're going through and are on an equal footing with us. Safe, caring, holistic therapy F2F communities would be even better  I'm thinking of places such as Body and Soul in the UK.

If we deal with the wounds and gaping holes our trauma has left with us in environments like B&S. then we don't carry that into our relationships with partners, children, friends, employers, etc., at least not to the same degree.  It gives us more of a fighting chance to build and sustain healthier relationships imo.   

Thank you Kizzie, I will definitely look into group therapy options once the current public health crisis has passed.

At any rate, if you subscribe to the theory that we, or at least some of our parts, have been frozen in time (childhood) in response to trauma (and I feel this is true for me), then there really can't be shame in feeling this way. It's "a normal response to an abnormal situation". I think I've settled on a belief for myself that, as long as I'm aware of it and maintain an awareness of the other person and their needs/wellbeing, then I shouldn't beat myself up over my yearnings. I have a small number of ppl I feel close to and care deeply about. I try to take care of them, too, and in the end, I think that's what matters

Yes! Something I am working on is trying not to judge my child needs as harshly, catching myself when I respond with disgust or shame. The other day my partner and I had a misunderstanding about planned time together, and I went from 100 to 0 in a split second, triggered into abandonement depression. The sham said, so loudly "Of course I got it wrong. Why the * would anyone want to hang out with us."... and flashback commenced, with visual and emotional memories of neglect coming through.

How on earth can I carry on telling this poor child that they deserved this, and that this is normal? I don't want to do that any more. I want to do everything in my power to smash the critic that turns that awful trauma back in on my self, and abuses my wounded child AGAIN. I want to put a stop to it. To treat my yearnings as parts of our selves that need to be heard feels much more compassionate than my previous mode.

I have always been able to see it clearly with a partner, and my parent head has been strong and active for others (co-dependent, anyone?) but accessing this compassionate caring parent voice for myself... wow, I welcome this. I wish to bring this into my way of thinking and processing more and more.

[Kizzie]

In addition to listening, soothing and letting younger me I had power to look after us, etc., one thing I did with her is play because that's what she asked for in a T session way back when. She just said "I want to play" at a time when I/we came face-to-face with knowing clearly I had never had parents and never would and like you're finding, I/she was in so much pain.  It felt a bit silly sometimes, but it also felt good 

And making an effort to balance the pain with joy, fun, laughter made a real difference in getting through it all and in her learning to trust me and look to me.  Maybe it's something you could try with younger you - draw, colour, sing, dance, whatever makes her laugh and feel happier. She just doesn't ache for care/comfort/support like she did and so she doesn't pop up in my adult relationships like she used to. My teen still does but I'm working on that 

I just remembered that one way I got 'in touch' with her was to use my non-dominant hand to write to me.  That was at first when I was just trying to hear her though so you might be past this.