Triggered when I try self-care

[marta1234]

Hi, yesterday and today I tried to do some "self-care" stuff. I intentionally told myself that I can do whatever I want that makes me feel calmer and better, like reading, watching videos, coloring. The thing is, that after 10 min or so, I get triggered, and then it takes me a while to "calm down". It's frustrating because I am trying to help myself, curl up in a blanket with my toys and read, but after some minutes I get triggered and feel so much worse than I started, like angry, tired, etc.
I just want to know if someone knows why this is happening to me, and what can I do to help, because I'm trying to soothe my inner self but I can't in the end.

[Blueberry]

The only thing that occurs to me is that 10 minutes of some activity might be too long? Or what you have chosen to do is not what you really want to do, deep within your soul.

[marta1234]

Thanks for your reply, Blueberry. I never thought of it that way, I just assumed that everyone wants self care. I guess I triggered myself because I was forcing myself to do those things. The thing is, though, when I try to think of what I would want to do, like future plans, then I trigger myself again because it just reminds me of the questions that I always get asked from relatives and people.

[Blueberry]

marta, cptsd is a tricky beast. I actually still have a lot of trouble with self-care. For me also forcing myself to do things is very triggering and very tiring. It occasionally works in the short-term for me but never in the medium to long-term. I guess it's easy to read whatever all else other people are doing on here to recover and thinking you ought to be doing that too whereas that's not necessarily the case at all, which a number of other mbrs on here have just reminded me!

Self-care could just be coming on to OOTS to read around or wave 'Hi' to someone  Or accepting (or trying too) that more obvious forms of self-care are difficult for you atm.

I wish you well in healing and the ability to go at your own pace

[owl25]

I'm not sure if this is similar but it reminded me of a little while ago when I was trying to practice breathing to help soothe myself. I would find that after about 10 minutes as well fear would start to surface and I would get anxious or feel panic. It was explained to me that when we relax our bodies, this creates space for other feelings that we are carrying under the surface. So maybe your activities were calming and soothing, and because a more relaxed body opens us up to our feelings, maybe some part of you became afraid of those feelings. It is not uncommon for trauma survivors to be fearful of relaxation. Being in our bodies and being present can feel very unsafe.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or is helpful, but thought I'd share it for what it's worth.

[Jazzy]

I think a big part of it, is that in the past, we were forbidden from practicing self care, and we always had to care for someone else instead. A life time of that behaviour can cause a lot of problems when we do try some things for ourselves. It can be tough, but we have to (re)learn, that it is okay to take care of us.

I also agree with what the others have said. Maybe 10 minutes is too long for you right now, and that's okay. Maybe some other/new things will help you feel better. Maybe this is something you just need to work through. Regardless, I hope things improve for you soon!

[BlankPage]

I want to second what Jazzy said - I know I struggle with giving myself permission to practice self-care.  There's always something else I 'should' be doing instead.  I'm the oldest of three, and when I was younger, I was always responsible for my younger siblings.  For my mother's feelings, too, for that matter - all her bad feelings and bad moods were my fault.  I watched my younger siblings have all their interests supported, while everything I asked for (dance lessons, piano lessons, art classes, etc) was denied.  So it can be hard for me to feel like it's okay to do things for myself - I'm very skewed towards taking care of others first and putting myself dead last.  Last night, I decided to take the evening off from work, and when I had a couple of hours to myself, I... worked some more.  I think if we can learn to give ourselves permission to feel better, it can get easier.

[marta1234]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate them very much. Although I feel each of us has A specific reason why self care does not work (for now), I know that we still are together and not alone.
For me, I think it's that I was never a person, and so putting time just for me never made any sense. Since posting about this, I haven't been able to have a self care day. I've had "resting so I don't get overwhelmed by my cptsd" but never just nice things for me. I think Owl talked about this too, when I've tried to, I just feel so terrified. It feels like all my littles come to and don't know what to do.
I hope that all of you will find a way to have a self care day, and even if unable, it's ok. Sometimes one little good thing matters so much more. Sending you all lots of support

[owl25]

I just read this a few days ago around self care in "Internal Family Systems Therapy",  second edition, by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy, p143. What stood out to me is in bold:

"Although confronting an abuser is not a condition for healing, the client may want to do so. If this were the case, we would advise taking as much time as he needs to prepare internally, so that his Self remains in the lead and his parts feel safe no matter how the interaction goes. Although this approach is empowering for most clients, some will have parts (usually very young) who associate self-care with abandonment. The young parts will have experienced profound neglect and will be longing for rescue. They can remain stubbornly focused on getting love from others and may refuse to even meet the Self for a long time. We validate their needs and their experience and we explore the fears of the protectors who surround them, coaxing them all into noticing the Self with reassurances that self-care is a prerequisite but not a replacement for being in safe, loving relationships."

I'm not sure if this is part of your experience, but it is a huge part of mine. If I start to take care of myself, then no one else will have to, and I'll still be alone with it all.

I think resting so you don't get overwhelmed actually is self-care, there may have been a time you wouldn't have been able to do that either. It's a step, even though you would like to  be much further along in this. It's hard that this all takes so much time, and may not feel like much comfort, but I am glad you have been able to rest to avoid overwhelm. 

[Not Alone]

The quote from Schwartz makes sense to me. "If  I start to take care of myself, then no one else will have to, and I'll still be alone with it all." (Owl) That makes sense to me too. The thought came to me: what if when you are taking care of yourself, looking at it as part of a team. 'Right now I'm taking care of my self, and there are times when T and person and person take care of me.' Or maybe look at it as, in part, being the hands and feet of other people's care. For example, often on this forum, someone will say that they are sending a soft blanket and a cup of tea. That person is not physically able to get you a soft blanket and tea; you do that yourself, but his/her heart and care is real.

With our backgrounds, self-care and self-kindness are a challenge. Like all learning, it might be step by step, and sometimes steps backward. I agree with Owl that taking time to rest and not become overwhelmed is self-care.

[owl25]

I like what you're saying, notalone. I never was able to view it that way before. I've really been stuck in the thinking that I'm on my own and expected to be on my own, and other parts of me have been fighting that tooth and nail. It is a message that was ingrained into me as a child, and as I got older, when I tried to get support from other people, I got a similar message. Even mental health professionals tend to try to get you to rely on yourself instead of them. Support forums I've been on also talk about having to be there for yourself. What they all are missing is that we need help getting there. How can you be there for yourself if no one else has ever shown you how to do that? How can you if they're not willing to be there for you initially as part of that process? I find that the world at large expects you to just magically be able to. This is what I like so much about IFS, it gets these things and has a way to work with that.

I never thought about actually going to get the blanket and tea for myself when someone offers that, I always took it as symbolic support. I may start to actually do it for real. 

I hope this doesn't feel like I am hijacking your thread, marta. It all really resonates for me. Thank you for starting this thread. I realized this morning, as I was typing the quote, that I had previously glossed over the part that says how to respond to those fears of abandonment. The idea that you can be there for yourself in addition to others, rather than instead of others is huge for me. I hope some of this is helpful to you too.