Being loved is very frightening amid T (TW)

[RA-Survivor]

I have only known pain and humiliation my entire life. My abusers who have relentlessly raped and molested me, have perverted my perception of the meaning of love. Being loved is very frightening, joy is very new and healing is extremely excruciating. They have erased my understanding of what is love, that my therapist during psychotherapy has told me that I am only capable to take little doses of being loved right now, gently, for being loved by others was hurting me.

I was self-harming myself. I have survived multiple suicide attempts, all in July 2019. My abusers, especially A, has intentionally created pain and recurrent exacerbation of major depressive episode on a chronic background of dysthymia, in which I have been suffering from. Without him, darkness would not have happened; the pain that I have coped with was beyond normal human capacity, creating sub-rooms or sub-layers, doors and hallways, where countless of my little ones self-state alters dwell.

[Kizzie]

I can well imagine that love and care are extremely frightening after what you have been through RA Survivor. It sounds like your T understands this and is supportive of you going slowly, validating your need for time and going at your own pace.

I think you will find the same thing here - we all get that deep fear of being abused again, that it's just so difficult to trust so take your time, we're here to listen and support you like your T.   

[RA-Survivor]

I can well imagine that love and care are extremely frightening after what you have been through RA Survivor. It sounds like your T understands this and is supportive of you going slowly, validating your need for time and going at your own pace.

I think you will find the same thing here - we all get that deep fear of being abused again, that it's just so difficult to trust so take your time, we're here to listen and support you like your T.   

Thanks. I appreciate the warmth welcoming arms from you. It's a good starting point to me and try to grasp what it is.

[Kizzie]

   Keep on inviting warmth, support and validation at your own pace.

[sanmagic7]

 

i used to work with teens who only knew violent touch, and they would completely shy away from a hug until they saw others getting and giving hugs.  those were the small steps they needed to take until they could possibly become comfortable with safe touch.  some of them never did, even after 4 yrs.

it works differently for everyone, because all our traumas, lengths of time, types of abuse are different, as well as our own individuality.  i give you a lot of credit for reaching out here, RA Survivor.  i often send love and hugs to people here on the forum, but i don't want to overwhelm you.  please just know that if you're ever ready for either or both, let me know, ok?  your own pace is exactly correct for you.