One Act of Kindness to Myself Today - Part 1

[Kizzie]

Yesterday and today I organised and accepted help from friends to run a few errands for me: mailing letters, collecting a prescription for my anti-deps, and buying food especially of the throat-soothing variety. When I mentioned I was shivery again, one friend offered me a couple more hot water bottles which I gratefully accepted. That is a kindness to myself because I don't always accept help for one reason or another.

It's a HUGE act of kindness to let others help you BB, well done     I hope you feel better soon 

[Kizzie]

My act of kindness today was to cancel 2 appointments for this week that I had been on the fence about for fear of being over-reactive to the COVID-19 pandemic. I have done my research though and I know I am being smart and lowering my risk and the risk to others. 

[Snowdrop]

I listened to the birds singing when I woke up this morning.

[Blueberry]

I allowed myself to stay longer in bed today and  which I needed.

I'm also allowing myself to decide 'after all' not to do things I had an impulse to do, but then notice I can't when I come to the crunch. I'm conceding that I'm still not 100% well again and I'll probably have more energy tomorrow or the day after.

[Blueberry]

I followed my impulse and had a nap this afternoon although there are lots of things to do atm i.e. getting prepared for what might become a lockdown (who knows, things are changing so fast).

[arale]

This is an act of kindness that I haven't been able to do yet. Maybe it doesn't qualify to be here? I do want to be kind to myself and allow myself to revel in all the joy and brilliance that I feel even as others panic and are in turmoil. I do want to be kind to myself and give myself the room to be my self whatever it is, regardless of what other people might feel or say. I do want to be kind to myself and stop telling myself to be nice to those poor starving children, scared elderly or poor homeless people. I do want to be kind to myself and be nice to me, just me me me me me, and not punish me because it's narcissistic, selfish, egotistical or wrong.

Writing this out is already one small act of kindness to myself. Thank you for this space.

[Blueberry]

When I realised I couldn't think straight anymore, I postponed dealing with some work-related things till tomorrow.

[Kizzie]

Bundling up and my H and I are going for a walk in the fresh air and sunshine. 

[Bach]

I have been resisting using klonopin to deal with my intense anxiety, because although klonopin is helpful to me in very small, very occasional doses, if I take too much of it, take it too often, or take it too many days in a row, it starts making me feel worse instead of better.  So for the past several days, my acts of kindness to myself have involved mustering the strength to cope with the anxiety in other ways.  Today, however, my act of kindness to myself was to allow myself klonopin because I really needed a rest from all that self-discipline and being strong.

[arale]

I choose to love, even if it feels scary. It no longer threatens me anymore. Not like when I was a kid. It would be a kind act to myself, to let myself love and receive love, to let myself go into the field of love. Not hold back. I'm waking up to the fact that being loved is in fact all that I have ever wanted. It's never been about success, recognition, meaning, saving the world. They've all been distractions from the one thing that I couldn't get and was sucking the meaning out of my life. The kindest thing I can do to myself is to do what I've wanted all my life - float in the field of love.

[woodsgnome]

I feel drawn to respond to this, Arale. Even though the entries in this thread are perhaps meant to stand alone, I hope this short reflection is okay.

Your description is so spot on, at least for what I need for my life. So why is it I can't seem to boost myself over the top and accept my role in love? For starters, I need inspirational lightning-bolts to awaken these long-hidden feelings. As you say, moving towards anything called love is scary. These words of yours have gone right to the heartful lift I've needed for so long.

What you said reminded me, in turn, of a centuries-old piece that the poet Rumi once offered:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other"
doesn't make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep."

Thanks again, Arale, for your story; and for sharing the truth that yes, we all can arise from some awful places and find ourselves floating in the love we've yearned for.

[Blueberry]

I have been resisting using klonopin to deal with my intense anxiety, because although klonopin is helpful to me in very small, very occasional doses, if I take too much of it, take it too often, or take it too many days in a row, it starts making me feel worse instead of better.  So for the past several days, my acts of kindness to myself have involved mustering the strength to cope with the anxiety in other ways. 

Today, however, my act of kindness to myself was to allow myself klonopin because I really needed a rest from all that self-discipline and being strong.

Sounds like great self-care to me! It's hard to be strong all the time, even more so in our shoes with cptsd. It's certainly not something I can do. 

[Blueberry]

I did lots of beneficial and constructive stuff today as well as kindness to others, but self-kindness? Let's see.

Since I didn't sleep half the night, I didn't force myself to get up at 5:40 at my alarm to get to the Farmers Market really early before the crowds, but went back to sleep instead. I went out at the end of the Market instead, when there were no crowds either. Even if there had been crowds at the end, it would've been OK to go back home. I'm not starving.

When I got really tired, I allowed myself an afternoon nap totally guilt-free. 

[arale]

there is a field. I'll meet you there.

We'll all meet there, sooner or later, when we are ready. See you out there, woodsgnome.

[Blueberry]

I wanted to get an important letter into the morning post, so cycled off at 7:15. On leaving the letterbox (at max. 7:20), I allowed myself a little detour on the way home, went by the river just to see water flowing and yeah, I just took maybe 10 minutes longer than need be to have a little leg-stretch, do something I enjoy, but not strenuous either. Here, there is as yet no actual lockdown and people are still being encouraged to go out in the fresh air walking or cycling or running about (children) but just not in groups of more than 3 (except for families who live together).

To help me fall asleep last night, I took my hymn book from choir to bed with me and lay there whisper-singing a couple of hymns over and over again. I did that the night before too. Otherwise never. Totally new idea to strengthen and calm me in present situation.

Yesterday I spent a fair amount of time reading on our sister website OutOfTheFog to see how I could respond to an email from B1 in a way that protects myself. He was reaching out to see if I'm OK or need anything. I do think the question is genuine, but I still need to be careful. I made several changes to the email draft I had written to make it Grey Rock and Medium Chill and especially important, I shortened it. I haven't sent it yet either. Will look again today before I do so. Huge act of kindness to self