Attachment disorder? Possible tw

[juliaguarde]

I've come to realize, slowly, that I do (did) not make my own choices.  I model my behavior after those around me. At work, it's my lead worker. When I'm on my own it was a mix of psychobabble that I believed and learned from my covert n-mom, plus either trying to please her, trying to escape her, or rebelling against her.  The final mix in was the independence I held to firmly and the stuff I picked up from my husband. When I realized that, it was extremely frightening.  I didn't make life choices, I did what I was told, or rebelled against it.  I have no sense of self worth at all.  That is how "they" were always able to take things from me.   "They" was anyone who I felt knew better or more than I.  Things could be my beliefs, my thoughts, my private thoughts, I'm not putting my finger on it just now.  I went to my therapist and told her excitedly about my epiphany. I asked her how to teach myself to trust my instincts.  She did so by refusing to answer me directly, pushing back when I stood firm, and not answering my question.  I said, "direct question, direct answer T,". I as so proud of myself.  I told T that nmom had manipulated me into my 40's and I did not want my trusted T to do it to me too.  She didn't budge, asked me to return this week.
Yet, I lost 3-4 days again and it took me another 3-4 to remember where I had been, healing wise, after that session.  I realized the next day that she had been keeping me in the fog for over a year. The pun isn't intended but it works too.   Now I've lost another year to another manipulator.  I still don't care yet that's she thought she knew best.  This T denied me the right to make informed decisions by not answering my questions over and over.   I don't trust her and I won't see her again.  That's all over explaining, as I tend to do, to say is this, learned and subtle behavior modeling some kind of attachment disorder?

[Kizzie]

Hey Julia, given we are relational trauma survivors I think we all suffer from attachment disorder in one form or another and to different degrees. 

I still don't care yet that's she thought she knew best.  This T denied me the right to make informed decisions by not answering my questions over and over.   I don't trust her and I won't see her again.

Sounds like you making a decision in your own best interests.  I remember points in my life with such clarity where I basically said "No!"  to someone or something and it felt like I was taking back my self, my life, my power.