[RA-Survivor]

I have become sexually dysfunctional, with no sexual arousal during sex. I said I don’t understand what sex means as an adult. Sexual intimacy has elicited extreme humiliation to me all over again. I have the tendency to feel forced during sex, resembling my past rapes, which the inclination was solidly programmed by my past abusers. I can’t seem to be natural.

I have been regressed into a childlike state in my adult body, due to chronic ritual abuse. I was crawling across the floor and basically being intellectually disabled. The developmental trauma has led me looking even more vulnerable, that is beyond my control. It seems like my presentation was a reflection of a need, a need to fulfill an unfulfilled past, for my entire life has been wrecked completely by my perpetrators.

[Eidolon]

Hey RA-Survivor! I just saw this now. I'm very sorry you suffered like that.. it isn't fair. You deserved, and still deserve, much better. I don't think I understand everything you're going through, but I'm dealing with a lot of similar feelings.

I don't understand sex either. It's an obligation to me. It feels like taking orders and that's what I'm used to. Nobody ever taught me anything else. I don't know if I would call what I experienced programming, but it seems remarkably similar.

Here is one thing that helped me: beginning to set boundaries. Perpetrators repeatedly overstepped boundaries to humiliate me further. They wanted the same behavior for when they would do it the next time. In setting boundaries, you give yourself room to explore. It's the beginning steps to saying "I like this" or "I dislike this." Sometimes it's not always possible with abusers, but affirming boundaries (even if only I know I've set them for the time being) has started to remedy the childlike regression I experience when confronted with sex. Maybe it'll help you with your healing.