This trigger is REALLY making things difficult for me

[sam145]

The trigger is therapy. I can't get into the reasons. I'm so burnt out on trying to explain how/why therapy is triggering for me. I just need a community for people like me. I feel so alone in this, and I know people's reaction to me saying "I feel alone" is to tell me that there's "Someone out there who has the same struggles!" but it doesn't help me feel less alone to know that someone else I'll probably never meet is also probably silently struggling with this issue.

I guess I'm just complaining because therapy is an unavoidable trigger for me and I've got issues I'm trying to deal with and I'm a little tired of people trying to like...debate with me about it. Yeah it's helpful for a lot of people but therapy is basically completely off the table for me. So anyway I end up avoiding most mental health or recovery focused communities because I get triggered by the therapy talk and I just feel too broken to be fixed.

[Kizzie]

Most of us are here because we don't want to feel alone with our trauma any more.  FWIW I think  you have the right to make the decision not to go to therapy and I could be wrong, but I doubt anyone here would debate that with you. Part of recovery is deciding what we want/need for ourselves 

[sanmagic7]

 

your triggers are yours, and they're valid.  there are a lot of people here who have chosen to forego therapy, yet they continue with their healing and/or recovery in the best way that suits them.  i fully support your decision, no matter what it is. 

i've had a lot of experience w/ 12-step groups, especially die-hard members who are convinced that the 12-steps are the only way to go, yet i also know people who have found their own way out of addictions without that program.  this stuff is totally individual, and you have a right to your individuality.  i'm glad you shared with us, sam.  thanks for being here. if you want one.

[sam145]

I guess this place is just too impersonal for the type of support I need. Every time I post here it feels pointless. I've never liked forum-style websites but unfortunately this is the only place where I don't get constantly invalidated...

[sam145]

Like every time I post here I end up just feeling more hopeless and spiraling. Like right now. Currently I need support but it doesn't exist for me.

[sanmagic7]

sorry to hear that, sam.     i do hope you find the support you're looking for.

[marta1234]

Hey, thanks for sharing here. Giving you lots of hugs 
As Kizzie said, it is completely up to you how you want to do things, and there are many ways to get better. Therapy is not the only option. Personally, prior to some months, I had come on this site and looked at the forum. I also felt hopeless, and never posted anything because I just didn't feel it would matter, it would be like posting in a black hole. But now, with time, I have learnt that people do listen and that this forum is not a black hole, it's actually a big giant place where you can learn and lean on support to go forward.

I am just sharing my experience, and know that your desire is valid.

[Phoebes]

I resonate with your experience, sam. I've found, after frustrating and triggering experiences with therapists, that for ME, I prefer to take matters into my own hands and piece together relevant readings, videos, meditation, exercise, my own experience and spending time with good friends, as my way to help.

I feel like therapists, unless they have very specific and similar experience as well as successful healing modalities under their belt (which some out there do, and have great resources on the internet), then paying someone for their time doesn't make sense for me. Not knocking anyone who has found this is helpful for them, but I have not.

It's like with anything else- therapy, recovery groups, religious groups, speakers, coaches, blogs, etc....take what you like and leave the rest. (sorry if that's too recovery-y).  You've got this sam. You don't need someone else to tell you what's what. But you can accept others' flawed human support (without having to pay them and without having to resonate 100%) Only YOU know you, when it comes down to it so it's freeing to take matters into your own hands and take responsibility for your own progression.

[Kizzie]

Like every time I post here I end up just feeling more hopeless and spiraling. Like right now. Currently I need support but it doesn't exist for me.

I guess this place is just too impersonal for the type of support I need. Every time I post here it feels pointless. I've never liked forum-style websites but unfortunately this is the only place where I don't get constantly invalidated...

I'm sorry that you're feeling worse or at least not feeling better by coming here. Maybe it's time to step away then and as Phoebes suggests take things into your own hands and see what you can do for yourself.  You could always connect with others in non-therapy settings like hobby groups, sports, etc., so you don't feel as lonely. 

[sam145]

I really have been trying to take things into my own hands... I've been doing it for a long time with little/no success, which is why I came back here. I've also really struggled to find groups to connect with. There's not much in my area. I'm really not trying to be difficult here. I'm just so frustrated and hopeless right now that I'm kinda wishing I just didn't exist.

Edit: Please don't respond with generic things like "I hope things get better for you". I know it's well-intentioned but it feels really empty and hopeless to me and I'm having a really rough time posting this stuff.

[Kizzie]

I have to be honest Sam, you have an opportunity to try and connect here but seem to be pushing us/our suggestions/support away and its a bit confusing and hard to know what to say/suggest. 

I did mention looking for other kinds of groups in your area to potentially connect with others. If therapy isn't an option, there aren't any F2F CPTSD support groups in your area, and you don't feel like being here is helping, it seems like the option to try. 

[sj]

Sam - for what it's worth,  what you're saying about posting and trying to interact here seems like what I relate to - it's the major reason I haven't posted my own topics here for a long time and barely participate. My attempts to participate have often ended up triggering me and spiralling me out and the trade off has frequently not seemed worth it for me. A lot of online interaction feels both empty and impossible for me to relate to. It's an ongoing frustration and dilemma for me when I want to connect, yet end up finding it alienating. It's a conundrum I haven't found an answer for myself.

That said, I genuinely appreciate this site and forum, care about the people who come here, have great respect for the people who run and manage it,  and check in at times to read and occasionally respond, like I am to you now. It's helpful to me in a certain way, and I just come and go on my own terms without expecting too much from it in the way I wish it could be. That's just how it seems to be working for me.

I wish I could feel like I could participate more, but that has proved too challenging and counterproductive for me. And I don't agree that it is because you are pushing people away or failing to make the most of an opportunity. I see what you've said simply as expressing a frustration and confusion that you are struggling with - straight-forward and completely valid.

I have no advice or judgements or pat phrases to offer you, plus I would really hate for you to come to a site like this and be made to feel invalidated for your honest, non-attacking expression of your experience. But I do quite appreciate seeing someone else try to articulate this aspect of their experience when trying genuinely to reach out to find connection and support and meaning, yet finding it almost seems counterproductive.

Thank you - sincerely - for your post and trying to articulate this, cause I think it's a hard one to articulate, especially without being misrepresented. Not to mention the extra vulnerability of it - I'm not the slightest bit surprised you say you had a tough time posting it. I would, too. I respect you for doing so. Funnily enough, reading your posts here helps me feel a little less alone in this angle of experience.

cheers

[Bella]

Hi Sam.
Reading your posts, I just had this thought... For me, the fact that CPTSD is a neurological issue, not just mental or social, have been comforting.

I don't know if that is the case for you, off course... But just knowing I don't have all these problems (with people, mental issues, physical pain etc) because I, as a person, am damaged and "no good", but it is actually a kind of brain-damage, have made things a bit easier for me.
Have you experienced trauma in your life, your brain are wiered to react with fear, suspicion, helplessness,  or what ever negative thought/emotion comes out.
Therapy is also a huge trigger for me. I find myself getting massive EF's every time! I've heard that talk therapy for CPTSD, just for this reason, is'nt always the best option, but rather methods that focus on calming and soothing ones nervousystem.
So I agree with others here, that you would know best if therapy works for you or not.
I guess my point is, your reactions to things, your frustration, makes sense!
(Sorry for any bad english.. it's not my native language)

[Kizzie]

I apologize if what I said made you feel invalidated Sam, I just honestly find myself confused, not knowing what if anything to say at this point. We are recovery focused here so making suggestions to each other is what we generally do.

You've told us what you don't need/want, perhaps now you can tell us what you do need/want and if members can help they will. If you just want us to listen rather than make suggestions, that's not a problem. 

[sam145]

Sj, thank you for your reply. I have a hard time communicating and get misunderstood often, so it really helps to know that you also have some similar experiences. It's not something that seems to get talked about much, and I feel like a failure when I reach out here and just end up triggered and spiraling.

Bella, that is something I try to keep in mind, but thank you for the reminder. I'm autistic and have ADHD, so knowing that my brain works differently than most people's really helps me keep things in perspective.

Kizzie, I really wish I knew what would make things better. If I knew what I needed, I'd just ask for it. I'm lost and frustrated and alone, so I made an attempt to reach out and be honest about it. I didn't tell people not to make suggestions... I really feel like you're misunderstanding me...