Introduction

[Bella]

Hello!
I'm a new member here, and would like to introduce myself.

I'm a 43 year old woman from Norway. I do not have a diagnosis of CPTSD, but struggle with many of the syptoms of this. In Norway, many therapists don't use this diagnosis at all, and my therapist actually got angry at me for mentioning it in the first place. But after reading about it, it makes so much sense to me. I've been so confused about different things, so I hope I can learn more on this site through hearing other peoples story, and by that, shed some light on my own.
Thank you!

[Snowdrop]

Pleased to meet you, Bella!

[saylor]

Welcome, Bella

I'm very curious, why your therapist got angry from you mentioning CPTSD (assuming I understood correctly...) Do you know? That seems strange

[Bella]

Thank you, Snowdrop! Pleased to meet you too! 

Saylor: Yeah I know! It's really strange.. Long story, but the short version: Went through some hard medical issues 4 years ago. Was bedridden for 2 years, and when I finally got back on my feet, I hit the wall emotionally and mentally. I was diagnosed with depression, and that is basically all this therapists ever heard and saw in me. I obviously told her my story, but she didn't think my experiences from childhood classified as trauma! So I think she got angry, cause she felt I wasted her time talking about it... or something like that. Yeah.. I'm no longer her patient! I ended up being so triggered just by thinking of her. From the time she got angry, and til I stopped seeing her altogether, I was in one long emotional flashback! It was painful...!
But who knows... she might be right! I'm really confused about the whole thing.

[Blueberry]

I obviously told her my story, but she didn't think my experiences from childhood classified as trauma! So I think she got angry, cause she felt I wasted her time talking about it... or something like that. Yeah.. I'm no longer her patient! I ended up being so triggered just by thinking of her. From the time she got angry, and til I stopped seeing her altogether, I was in one long emotional flashback! It was painful...!

I'm sorry that happened to you Bella! Even if that therapist were correct and you don't actually have cptsd, there was no reason for her to get angry with you. You're also not the first person to be told your childhood experiences weren't (bad) enough to count as trauma.

Anyway, welcome to the forum! Not everybody here has an official diagnosis. If you see yourself in a number of the symptoms, then there's a very good chance cptsd is what you have.

[Snowdrop]

Parts of your story sound very familiar.

When I was in my late teens I was diagnosed with depression, and I felt the therapist was quite dismissive of my trauma. I think he was so busy looking for a single traumatic event that he overlooked the fact that it was near-constant and inescapable.

I found out about cptsd two or three years ago, and the more I found out about it, the more things fell into place. I was assessed with cptsd about a year ago.

I hope you find being here helpful.

[Bella]

Blueberry: Thank you! Really appreciated your comment. No, under no circumstanzes should a therapist speak/behave like that to a patient. I've spend countless hours ruminating what to say to her, but in the situation, emotion takes over, and words/reason vanish.

It's good to know not everybody has a diagnosis here. It would be more difficult to feel "at home" if that was the case. But I've been thinking... would you (or others reading this) agree, that it is more accurate to say that CPTSD symptoms excists on a continuum of severity, rather than saying you either have it or not? If that make sense? Like, I know, either you have the diagnosis or not. But the severity of symptoms may vary greatly. Both from person to person, but can also vary greatly during a persons life..? 

[woodsgnome]

Welcome to OOTS, Bella  . I hope this place will help you as you seek to understand better what might have gone wrong for you and how you can better pick up the pieces and live the life you deserve to have.

Reading what you said about the therapist is a good reminder that even therapists can stumble over their own self-importance and invalidate their own clients' point of view. I guess that's my way of saying it's a good sign that you discerned this about that therapist. So that makes you your own therapist #1. And hopefully you'll be able to meet up with another who works with you, including what you might be learning on your own. It's your therapy, after all.

[Bella]

Snowdrop: Thank you!
It's the worst feeling when you tell people about your experiences and they just dismiss it as being nothing. That always makes me feel so confused, and also very shameful.
I also felt things finally fall into place when I read about CPTSD.  You just know, and have a peace about it... until somebody question it! Then I'm all confused again! That's why I crave that somebody who are able to diagnose, would give me the recognition that what I went through actually was something... Cause I can't seem to give myself that. Am terrified of not seeing the truth. What is real, and what is not? And why am I so confused in the first place? That can't be normal...?

Sorry.... hard to stop the "thought-train" when it accelerates... 

[Bella]

Woodsgnome: Thank you for your comment and encouragement! Yes, I did realise eventually that this therapist wasn't very good for me. But weired thing, I was terrified of losing her, even though she did nothing but trigger me the last 6 months I spoke with her. (Another endearing symptom one has to cope with!) Fear of being abandoned is one of my biggest issues. But it is slowly creeping up on me, that I cannot put the responsibility for my healing on therapists, or other people for that matter... It's just a very scary thought to be your own therapist, when you feel utterly helpless.

[woodsgnome]

I agree, Bella, about the fear of being left alone and abandoned, even by therapists who don't seem to be a good fit. I know that so well -- went through several therapists over a 20-year span with some gaps. While I was always investigating on my own where and whenever I could (mostly books), I always seemed to resume the hunt for a live therapist, as I found the validation and supportive interaction (in theory anyway)  to be valuable and something I didn't have via anyone else. But I was disappointed and disillusioned by several who seemed more interested in their own agendas than truly working with me.

Hampered a bit by my remote location, I finally did find one a few years ago who is very compatible with what I needed, starting with someone not offended by a client who doesn't solely rely on her for all info -- therapists are valuable aides that way, but some act more like gurus than helpers on this journey.

Another very discouraging part of this is the patience necessary to put up with some of the setbacks. Perhaps that's one trait that makes this truly 'complex'. There's also the sheer fatigue that comes with trying to make sense out of what were senseless traumatic events that set this in motion. And having a competent therapist definitely helps with that.

So I hope you can find some ways to turn towards some peace.

[Bella]

Woodsgnome: I'm sorry to hear you have had to go through this exhausting process... The fatigue can overshadow just about everything in your life.
Happy you finally found a good therapist. Hopefully I'll get there too...
Again, I appreciate your comment and insight. It's something deeply satisfying to connect to people who actually know what you are talking about. Trying to explain to someone that hasn't got the experience, almost always gives me an EF.

[Blueberry]

I've spend countless hours ruminating what to say to her, but in the situation, emotion takes over, and words/reason vanish.

This sounds familiar too. For a while I was seeing a counsellor, who was good for me for a while - just for me to stay semi-stable, but at some point I couldn't access my Adult self during my appointment. She did realise that and said the next time I came I had to be in my Adult. I cancelled the appointment in writing, simply saying "sorry, but I can't get back into my Adult when in your office"! Nor could I even voice that during the appointment.

But I've been thinking... would you (or others reading this) agree, that it is more accurate to say that CPTSD symptoms excists on a continuum of severity, rather than saying you either have it or not? If that make sense? Like, I know, either you have the diagnosis or not. But the severity of symptoms may vary greatly. Both from person to person, but can also vary greatly during a persons life..?

I don't think I've ever thought about it, but that does sound highly likely. In the first while on here I kept noticing symptoms in other people's descriptions and realising :lightbulb: that's part of cptsd! On the other hand we don't all share all symptoms, fortunately I'd say. I have quite enough as is and I'm sure everybody else does too.

There are comorbities also and not everybody has the same ones to the same severity. If you check Pete Walker's book or the links on here, you'll see about the 4F's: flight, freeze, fawning and fight. Most of us probably engage in all of them to some degree but will have a predominant 1 or 2. Then our symptoms / comorbities will look a bit different.

My symptoms have definitely varied over time within my life span. Some actually have got better (not necessarily good but definitely better) with healing! But there was also a long time when they were getting worse, undoubtedly partly because I was in non-trauma-focussed healing. My experience was: keeping being re-traumatised both within therapy and as an adult within my FOO (I stayed in contact way too long), made everything worse and worse and worse, brought up more and more symptoms. I'm interested to see what others say.

[dreamriver]

Welcome Bella  

So sorry to hear about that therapist. I had to switch therapists at first too to get any progress, my first was negligent...

Like Pete Walker (CPTSD specialist says), I think for proper treatment therapists require empathy! Otherwise there isn't progress and clients feel unsafe, and the trauma continues.....and therapists should explore all possibilities, not shut doors on any of them....

Anyways, glad you're here.

[Bella]

Blueberry: That comment from your counsellor "come in your adult" just shows how ignorant she is of CPTSD symptoms I guess.. Just imagen how much easier everything would be if one could turn it (EF, child-self) off by choice! It also amazes me, that people actually think someone would regress by choice! It's the most humiliating thing ever..!
I've read some of Pete Walker's articles online. Reading these was a lightbulb moment for me. Felt many things fall into place... But look forward to read his book..

Dreamriver: Thank you!