How to overcome a fear of getting back to work?

[Bella]

Hey!
I was wondering if I could share a little bit of my story here, when it comes to employment.
I've always had a feeling of never being good enough. Even though I did fairly good in school, it was never enough. I've been a perfectionist as long as I can remember, pushing myself to the limits every time. A constant drive to just do a little bit better...

I've managed to become both a Preschool teacher, and later on a Bioengineer within the field of pathology. But the minute I'm supposed to do something practical, I get all tense, and superscared to make mistakes. Wether it be as a cashier at the supermarked, as a teacher working with kids, as a carer for disabled people, or working at the hospital as a bioengineer, etc I always end up supertense and exhausted. No matter what I do... But I've always kept pushing, cause that's what you do! That is what is expected of you. On top of this I've done a lot of charity work. Being the "good" girl that I am!

But 4 years ago my world came crashing down! After an operation, I got really sick. I was bedridden for 2 years. I think all defensemechanisms I've ever had came crashing down too, and I litterally thought I was gonna die.

I'm slowly getting better, but I find myself resisting the healing process! I'm terrified of the prospect of working again... It's like my body can't cope with the idea. The mere thought makes all the energy drain from my body. I really don't know how to overcome this. Can anyone relate at all?

Shame really haunts me writing this. I don't want to be percieved as lazy, or unwilling to work...

[Blueberry]

I'm slowly getting better, but I find myself resisting the healing process! I'm terrified of the prospect of working again... It's like my body can't cope with the idea. The mere thought makes all the energy drain from my body. I really don't know how to overcome this. Can anyone relate at all?

I can relate very much! Not completely. I don't think I'm so much terrified of working more as simply knowing that it doesn't function, that I just get ill again. otoh I've been on this journey for a long time, maybe I used to be terrified. I can really relate to energy drain at the mere thought. In my experience there's a reason for 'resisting'. It's not that I'm lazy or stupid or  but e.g. there's going to be a massive trigger so the resisting part is trying to protect me from that. I overcome things bit by bit, step by step. There are mbrs on here whose healing has been faster.

[saylor]

I don't have any how-to advice, but I can relate

Work had always presented me with a minefield of triggers. Being forced to interact with ppl not of my choosing for hours on end every weekday for decades was very hard on me, combined with my lifelong problems with dissociation, which made everything unnecessarily difficult and exhausting, as I tried to compensate for my gaps in consciousness (or worked to address the aftermath thereof). And my fears of possibly making mistakes (due to dissociation) or humiliating myself in front of colleagues via an emotional flashback led to compulsive worry, which was also very exhausting

I left the workforce earlier than is typical because of all those factors. I'm grateful that my life circumstances allowed me to do that. If, for whatever reason, I felt I had to return to work, it would be quite catastrophic for me—not sure I could handle it

I'm not at all lazy or stupid. I do a lot of work around the house, as well as lots of physical activity (exercise and outdoor stuff). I just couldn't conform to the demands of the workplace anymore. It's like something that had long been compromised finally broke in me, and I haven't "recovered", nor do I know whether such a thing is even possible

You're not alone, and I really feel for you 

[Bella]

Blueberry: Thank you for your comment. It is helpful to know that I'm not alone. And I needed to be reminded of the fact that my body actually is trying to protect me, and preventing me from experiencing that toxic stress I had for such a long time. It's amazing really.. when you look at it like that. Thank you!

Saylor: No wonder work must have been exhausting for you too... Thank you for sharing, and giving me a hug! I love that!