Losing Little Sister (And Best Friend) After Diagnosis

[JRose]

In answer to the last posts - I'm really moved by your responding today already - means a lot to me!
I will read these thoroughly tomorrow, in the light of day - 'till then - peace JRose

[JRose]

dreamriver, your sending of good feelings are gratefully received 

The main thing that strikes me from your message is the big subject of Belonging, of being a part of - something, someone. Isn't that the basis of Bonding, which is the first biggest need in our life and existence? Those people who have their need for basic bonding filled at the onset of their lives, can never understand what it is like to be lacking that!

I try to distance myself from my siblings/FOO, but deep deep inside of me I am still searching for that help-hope-connection-comfort that never was there at the onset of my life.  And that gap - that foundational lack in early bonding, I don't think can ever be completely filled.  The best my therapist has explained and directed me to seek, is that - I - can best fill that need of mine, by being the loving parent to my lost, hurting parts.  I am trying to do this, and get my eyes off the unsatisfactory and probably impossible expectations of help-love-comfort from other sources.  Of course love from the people around you is very helpful, but I am able to give this directly to the parts in me.  Sometimes this is as simple as a piece of my favorite chocolate   or sitting in the sun when I am sad, or petting my dog, or crying - when I can    or, just voicing my indignation and anger!  I guess I just stand up for myself, like you are doing when you come against the false things said about you. I find this really great to hear from you, and it can help me when I am faced (in the future) by my FOO to be as honest about my family as you have been. 

[dreamriver]

Hi JRose - belonging, yes! My upbringing was hard, but it always seemed me and younger sib would have each other's backs, no matter what. We "belonged" together, it felt that way for a long time. I think we helped each other survive. Losing that, and in a turn-heel way, ruptured the main sense of family, belonging, and friendship that I had. Worse, having it almost turned into a weapon against you instead of the warm support and love you always thought you would get. The confusion and devastation is indescribable.

Every so often after this heartbreak I find myself reeling with precisely what you describe. I'm missing the nurturing I didn't get ... Which was salved by my younger sib for a time, but not forever. And no doubt for her own very good reasons that I do try to understand, outside of the pain that I don't understand, and which she has chosen to inflict on me owing to her own confusion and trauma, no doubt. Despite how hard the separation is, I fully see and acknowledge a truth she's shown me that she can't be what she was for me anymore (and I for her) and they she just can't do that anymore (though she went about it in a toxic way). I've learned to fully release her.

The "bonding gap" you describe, wow, yes, it hits me hard and I crave for the validating parent outside of myself I never got. I feel terrified that such a person is nowhere in sight and I may not ever find that validation again, and it can throw me into depression and loneliness... trying to seek it in new friends but then coming up dry and knowing I always will.

Then I joined this forum and I found out about Internal Family Systems therapy, and while I don't have a therapist helping me with this, it was so resonant with my personal spiritual practice (shamanism) that I explored it. I've also gotten in touch with very interesting, very unseen parts of myself! It's helped me turn corners at deep, dark times, and realize that I'm never really alone, and that running away from what I feel is just an extension of shaming and abandoning myself. I'm learning better how to sit with myself, and talk with the abandonment and loneliness and fear, and I feel a small child in me feeling deeply warmed and protected. And *seen* most importantly not all. (Funnily enough there's a "teenage" part of me that is very strong and brave, and emerged during a pivotal stage of my survival in adolescence, it's been amazing to get in touch with him/her again and channel them in my current struggles.)

Thank you for sharing that you do that, JRose. It's one of the handful of self-care tactics that has been immensely helpful, I'm glad it's helped you too. I'm not good at it yet but practicing. Asking the shaming, critical parts of myself to step aside and let me tend to the child that just wants her loneliness and abandoned state to be validated, has helped me on the hard road of accepting my sibling for where she is at and getting those needs myself instead. It should have always been that way, but we grew up in an enmeshed family and it can't be helped, even though we now have very separate journeys ahead of us for the time being. It at least brings me reward and strength they I can find validation from wonderful people (like you!) in this forum and offer that validation in turn.

[JRose]

Thanks, dreamriver. I feel like there is so much to learn about family systems.  I try hard to keep my eyes open to the ways that I am encouraging or pursuing unhealthy relationships, with my daughters, with my husband, in my contact with siblings, even in other relationships outside the family.  It just seems like a constant struggle.  This is probably one of the most frequent topics with my therapist, only less frequent than the discussions with my various inner parts  And even there, I find it necessary to look at my relationships within myself, as you also described.  This could be why I sometimes come to the end of the day, seemingly doing relatively little, but feeling exhausted! 

Well, I still believe it is worth the fight, or struggle, to keep working on coming out of the mixed-up state that was my childhood