First F2F Counselor

[Dyess]

Well she was pretty overwhelmed with my questions I had written down for her. She tried to explain the answers but it was taking so much of our time up. She  didn't get very far down the list. I hope she reads the rest of the stuff and we can discuss it later. One questions she said she could do a whole lecture on Really didn't want all that....a simple, short answer works best for me. She's not so sure my original goal is my goal now. She said this was because of the topics we discuss and what I bring up in sessions. So we will investigate more later. She hand wrote some directions down for me and I have read them over and over again. Funny how something written by someone else, over rides my own will power to say forget it, I'm going to do what I want to do. It's not comfortable someone else having that power. But all in all I think it went okay. My head is just spinning, as usual, from the session.
Thanks for asking though.

[Dyess]

Are control and trust the same thing when you  talk about therapy? Do you have to give a 100% of either, or both, to make it work?

[Anamiame]

Not exactly the same thing.  I think you have to trust before you can allow them to have control.  For example, Cheryl wanted to revisit the issue that had me such a mess last Thursday.  Before, the door would be shut hard and NO WAY I would allow her to have control over that.  I could have easily done that yesterday--it was my choice.  So even though I ultimate DO have control, I allowed her to be directive and trust that she knew what was best for me. 

Last night I thought long and hard about that.  Really, it's the same issue over and over and over--me wanting to run when it gets so painful.  Just shut down and move on.  But I can't do that anymore.

I was somewhat 'shut down' yesterday but was not resistant and tried really hard to do the work.  It just wasn't happening yesterday no matter how hard we tried. 

So, the question last night, in thinking (and feeling) about all of it, as much as I hate it, I knew what I had to do.  I realized then, that subconsciously, I know what I'm so afraid of.  I know what's coming and it's terrifying and I don't want to.  But I have to and I can't do it alone...I need her help...and I hate that even more. 

So if I didn't trust her, I could not get to the point I'm at now.  And, yeah, she does have control in our sessions...given willingly to her by me. 

[Sandals]

Very well said, Anamiame.

Every now & again, my T reminds me that "the pain is in the resistance." Resistance to feeling the feelings, resistance in taking the next steps, etc. And they are very hard to do...painful in and of themselves...but in the long run, it's harder on me to stay stuck. And to get out of that "stuck" I do trust her to be doing the very best thing on what is next.

My T will never push me to do something I say I'm not ready for. But even when I'm being stubborn   I eventually come around. It took a long time for me to say those words, "Will you help me?" but I'm so glad I did.

[Dyess]

I feel like I'm being very compliant with the T, things just are not moving fast enough for me. I would do what she would tell or ask me to do....if she would just tell me what to do And her though that maybe my main goal has changed....does that even happen? Maybe digging around you find that there's something else as your goal?
Like I said in an earlier post it kind of surprises me that the written note over rides my decision to say forget it, I'm going to do what I want to do about researching this stuff. I've taped it to the banister before coming upstairs I see it and it reminds me of what I am suppose to be doing.
Has anyone tried Hypnosis as a treatment option?

[Dyess]

It's been a long week. I have tried to be compliant and not do so much research or investigating on CPTSD. But this has been very depressing for me to do. I understand why she wanted this because too much information can be mind boggling and interfere with the healing process. Also may appear that I don't have faith in her abilities . So I have an appointment with her tomorrow and we will discuss this I more detail. She feels like we have not made the progress that we should have at this point *sigh*

[Dyess]

A long as I can remember I've had issues with death, it terrified me and it didn't matter who it was, though a relative I would cry so much I would almost pass out. Maybe that was from when I witnessed my grandfather's death, by falling down some steps, in front of me. Isn't odd that my choice in careers had so much death in them?

[Widdiful Falling]

I've always had issues with death, too. I think it stems from my fear of abandonment. I understood what loss was too well, and at too young of an age. Every time a song would come on that dealt with death, I would cry, and I would sob uncontrollably every time my M told me she would die eventually.

Did you view your issues as a weakness? I know I sure did, and in an effort to become stronger, I surrounded myself in death and the macabre.

[Dyess]

<<I surrounded myself in death and the macabre >> Has this helped you? Or caused you more pain? If it helps that's great, I'm around death a lot in my career now and before. It was easier to deal with a death of a stranger, but still hurt.

<<Did you view your issues as a weakness? >> No, not as a weakness. More like a wound that will not heal.

Glad to see someone is awake in this forum besides me.

[Widdiful Falling]

<<I surrounded myself in death and the macabre >> Has this helped you? Or caused you more pain? If it helps that's great, I'm around death a lot in my career now and before. It was easier to deal with a death of a stranger, but still hurt.

<<Did you view your issues as a weakness? >> No, not as a weakness. More like a wound that will not heal.

Glad to see someone is awake in this forum besides me.

I'd say it helped short-term. I learned how to dissociate from things that pained me emotionally very well. But long-term, it has certainly hurt. I feel dead inside more time than I feel alive. I think this is because I distanced myself from what I felt so often it became an automatic response.

[Dyess]

Geesh that appt was back on April 6th , really don't remember much more of it. Since then she has brought up that I may have avoidance issues and that what we were originally working on may not be the core issue. So there's a lot of figuring out to do. I'm trying to trust her but with my insurance being in jeopardy that may put an end to seeing this therapist. They have no sliding scale for non insured and though I know her time is valuable.......not as valuable as her company thinks I've been looking for other therapist close by, that work with trauma/ PTSD , that work on a sliding scale. Have found no counselors that claim to work on C-PTSD, I wonder why, lack of training in this area?  So I'm trying to trust her but in the back of my mine I don't want to get too close and then have to leave. I can already tell it would bother me to have to leave and start all over again with someone. You think she could send her notes to another therapist, so it would be like starting over for me?
Thanks for your responses.

[Dyess]

Since I last posted here I have broken off with the T. Sent her a letter, never heard back from her. I have found another one close to where I live, she has answered most questions correctly, but so did the other one. I just can't pick up that phone and call her. In fact I am getting more and more settled into the house and not wanting to leave, or talk with anyone and it feels okay. You would think a person who was so social would miss that connection and I don't.

[Widdiful Falling]

Sometimes you need a break from people. It happens. Isolating yourself completely is usually a bad move, though. Why can't you pick up the phone? Are you okay?

[keepfighting]

Hi, Trace,

sending you a huge hug  .

Why exactly have you broken up with her? I didn't catch that...

Do you think it would be a good idea to start a thread in which we can discuss how to find a good (read: capable of warmth and empathy) t? - Maybe a thread where we can all share red flags/green flags of good/bad Ts, something like that? (Since my t moved to another city I also have to look for a new one and am very interested...)

Hope you're doing ok and not getting too isolated. We're all here for you and we care. 

[Dyess]

WF- Just can't justify making that phone call. Am I okay? I really don't know how to answer that, I don't remember what life was when it was okay.

KF- My T said that she thought I wasn't ready for counseling and wanted me to take a break. This threw me into a tail spin since I have been all but begging for some direction in what to do from here to get better. Gave her typed out pages about my life so she would have a sense of where I was at. She gave me one worksheet to fill out, and that was just recently, I really feel like we made no progress. She was very nice, I just don't think she knew what to do with me and the magnitude of my traumas. Which I wish she had been honest about it and I could have searched for someone who could better help, if there is help. I'm still out on the presumption that everyone is "fixable"
So there's this other T here in town that I may go see. She claims to have worked with many PTSD and Trauma related cases.

So if I can get my head into seeing another T I will have to make an appt.

I'm tired and have stopped all the anti depressants, they seemed to drag my energy down more.
I will being seeing a Psychiatrist at the VA in July. It doesn't change for Vets, all this talk about making appointment times better for Vets is a bunch of crap. Society has really crapped on the people that were willing to give it all to protect their freedoms.

A friend sent me an email and we were discussing a past job she had and it was a trigger for me. Made me feel angry for several days, not angry with her, angry at the memory. Further more I had typed out an explanation of why that email caused such a response in case she asked about it. It was draining typing it out. She never asked what was the trigger in the email so I dropped it.

I don't know enough about T's to tell which are good and which are bad, I didn't know we had a treatment plan until I read about it and asked her. She never showed me one, but said we were a little behind on it. Has anyone here ever seen their treatment plan? Are you suppose to know what the plan is?

From Dec. to the of April I think we should have made some kind of progress, or am I expecting too much?