First F2F Counselor

[Dyess]

This is my first f2f counselor and it is much harder than the online counseling was. Doesn't help that she's very smart and in tune with my responses and non verbal responses. It would be hard to pull something over on her I expect. But is she ready for all I am going to dump on her? It's so much and so hard to talk about that I write it down and we go over it in the session, if we can. It's frustrating when we get side tracked and don't finish the list though.
I wonder what the breaking point would be where a counselor couldn't help someone? When they throw their hands up in the air and say I can't help you anymore.  I don't think I could go over this stuff again with someone.

[Sandals]

First of all, good for you for taking this big step. 

Second, I know it's hard, but trust...trust that she will be able to handle this, trust that if you don't get through the list it's still perfect just how it is, trust that it's a good thing that you don't feel you can hide. Being seen is soooo important to this process, as is being heard. It may be uncomfortable to start with, but it will bring you so much healing.

And finally, time. It will take time to get it all out there, time to truly see your progress (instead of the seesawing that tends to happen) and time to heal. You sound so committed and ready for all of this, I'm excited for you!

[Dyess]

I so want to move on and get my life back. So I'm going to throw it all out there to her and see what happens. I'm tired of carrying this burden on my shoulders, the burden is not mine to carry. Thanks for the encouragement. This last list was particularly hard because I seem to be giving her things in layers, getting closer to the core. That's for my protection and hers, to not over whelm her. I'm pretty sure that if this doesn't work out that I will not try again. So if you have any pointers to share to make this counseling more prone to success please share.

[Sandals]

I get it in terms of wanting a safeguard while this relationship is forming. I think that's totally normal.

The layers - yes, I hear you! I call it my onion.    Also normal. And when I say normal, it's not meant to be dismissive to your individual feelings...of course, every situation is unique...I just don't want you to feel alone in experiencing these things.

Success is such a hard word to define when it comes to therapy. I feel like I've had great moments of breakthrough and attachment. And also not-so-great moments when I completely withdraw and push away. If I had to define what makes things feel progressive, I would say the following are key (for me, anyways): 1. Vulnerable honesty; being willing to put yourself out there even when it might not feel safe. 2. Dedication; taking away what you've learned in session and working on it outside of session. 3. Breaking down & building up; kind of a combo of 1 & 2, but recognizing that all sessions are not always about making you feel better. You will feel like you are breaking down at some points - but these are not break-downs, they're break-throughs. You need to go through the pain to heal. It's hard, hard work, but so worthwhile. 

[Dyess]

Wow, that made a knot in my stomach. This is especially scary not knowing what is going to happen in counselling. Will I say the right thing, or the wrong thing, too much info, not enough info. What if I break down at the end and can't stop crying am I going to have to walk through that lobby like that? On one hand I so hope this works out but on the other hand I need to be realistic and know it may not be what I was expecting, or even worse it not help at all.  There's so much to fear in the unknown. Thanks for the input though.

[Sandals]

Don't worry about being right/wrong. Whatever happens is meant to be and perfect as it is. Please trust me on this. It will all work itself through.

And from a place of vulnerability, I envy you the worry of crying - I still can't do that yet. Please consider it a gift, as the release that comes with is is precious.

[Dyess]

Well the crying could plan it's time of showing up a little better. I don't cry as much as I used and I really hate for someone to see me cry and have been told it's a sign of weakness.
Do you know when the PTSD started? I guess it turned into C-PTSD when it re-energized the memories of the past? Will one trauma start PTSD?

[Sandals]

Crying is not a sign of weakness, at all. It's a sign of the heart's healthiness and processing all of the emotional inputs. It's something I find beautiful. <3

Those are good questions about c/ptsd. I think it's different for everyone, but have read and heard that there can be a triggering event that breaks through those old, avoidant habits that were our survival tools as children.

Mine is clearly defined: when I discovered my ex was cheating on me (a year ago today), finding out there was so much more to it than that, and the culmination of it all when he called 911 and tried to have me arrested for assault (he was asked to leave instead). Everything else I had normalized and repressed until that point.

Despite all of the nastiness, it has really been a gift. An awakening. Now I am aware and can focus on healing. And build a better life for my children.

Even in pain there is purpose.

[Dyess]

So you think your PTSD started a little over a year ago? And I'm sorry for your husbands behavior. You seem to be a very nice person, it was his loss for sure.  Do you have to have past trauma to have PTSD? I'm still a little unsure on when it starts, how would you know? Can children have PTSD? See I told you I was the curious one One forum I was in many years ago threatened to get me this jacket that some man wore on tv that had these question marks all over it
During this time I think I should have gone to counseling earlier...but there was no need to. My past had been dealt with and put away, so I thought. No reason to see a shrink at that point. Plus if I had gone to counseling it my have jeopardized my job. So I guess I'm pretty lucky that at 55 I'm seeing my first f2f counselor. Though I'm old enough to be her mother

[Anamiame]

What if I break down at the end and can't stop crying am I going to have to walk through that lobby like that?

AGAIN...BWAAA HAAAA HAAA HAA!  I just said that to my T on Thursday and have said it ongoing to her since...well forever.  That though creeps me out. 

Here's my advice...FWIW...   :-)  Tell her.  Show her your posts.  You say it perfectly.  If she can't handle you, you give her an out BEFORE you get hurt.  If she can...you will know (from your professional training) by her body language if she can handle you.  If she can, it will scare the living daylights out of you.  Promise.  Don't run. 

Plus, I'm not going anywhere...you are way too much FUN...so you aren't alone anymore. 

[Dyess]

Amy that is strange, but funny
Well I go see her Monday, in the morning, against my better judgment , I'm not a morning person. She better hope I haven had my coffee and that I remembered to dress. Having a half naked 55 yoa woman on your couch would certainly make her
rethink about agreeing to "see me" in the morning hours. Maybe I will sleep in my clothes.
My list this time is pretty deep, so this may be the make or break appointment. Guess we will see. I some how think she can handle it, but I might be wrong. You just never know about counselors, right Amy?

[Anamiame]

ROFL, what an image!!!  I always have a mental list and then berate myself afterwords for forgetting most of it.     It's just frustrating.  NOT a morning person at all.  I think I saw her once at 8:30AM.  I don't remember it, but I'm sure it wasn't a pretty picture.  I'm not very nice prior to my first sip of morning java.  I must be a god...because they say that coffee is 'the liquid of the gods.'  JK

[Dyess]

Already getting knotted up about my appointment in the morning. Geesh. Need to recheck my list to make sure that what's on there is something she needs to know or not. Then email it to her so she can read it before our session. Last session I gave her the notes late in the session, timing didn't seem right to do it before, so she didn't get to look at them before I left. This system seems to work out for us, I'm not as chatty in session as I am here. I know...hard to believe
What would be some good questions to ask her? I tend to ask the ones no one can really answer, truthfully. What do I need to know at this point? It's been about 18 mos since Dad committed suicide. That's when all this started, I think. It seems so blurry now and like so long ago. Any suggestions on questions for her?

Oh look! I've jumped to a Jr. Member thinking of the song *Moving on up*

Don't think about that too much it's one of those songs that gets stuck in your head.

[Dyess]

Well had my counselor appointment today. She thinks I am over thinking this too much and that my "investigating" may be causing more harm than good. So I have agreed to stop looking for ways to get better, or at least cut down. Stopping would be totally against my core being Also, that I need to trust her to make this work. Hmmmmm....well.....maybe I can trust her enough to try the things she suggests. I'm not really a warm and fuzzy, huggy person. I keep most people at arms length and that seems to work for me. Lessens the pain and disappointment with people.

[Sandals]

Trust and time, Trace.   You'll get there.

How was the rest of your appointment?