Asking questions

[OceanStar]

I wanted to ask, has anyone asked their therapist a personal question about there past?

We have been working together for a while, I know she has suffered trauma herself so she really understands a lot of what I say.  She has always answered my questions but I have never asked details. There is one thing I'd like to know. I think she'd answer a closed question but I'd like more detail so I'd know if she'd really understand me.

I'm worried tho. I  know things I've said have got to her because of her own experiences, we pick up each others stuff now and then, we work it through, it's been helpful to see someone else battle and survive. I'd hate to trigger her and break the trust we have.

[woodsgnome]

I think each person and therapist might differ on the how and why of what you're wondering, OceanStar.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm afraid to ask anyone -- T or otherwise -- about potentially sticky personal matters that they may or may not find comfortable discussing. This springs from my basic fear of rejection in case it's really not appropriate. Given that precaution, my T has chosen to share some things on her own initiative (based on trust and empathy). Mostly these are expressed in general terms and strictly offered on her own volition, not prompted or suggested by me.

This can vary, though -- previous T's wouldn't utter a word about themselves, but I always have let them lead on that score. The basic approach I try to follow is that in the end, these sessions involve my journey, not theirs -- unless and until they feel comfortable and consider it useful to share some of their own experience. Again, this varies per the T and how the T-patient dynamic develops.

I'm sorry if that seems too vague. I'd rather err on the side of caution, rather than risk upsetting a valued relationship with a trusted T. It's natural to wonder if one's T has experiences that might be similar, yet I feel it's their professional choice to determine when and how they might use their own story in dealing with that of their patients. While questions of any sort should be fair game, the deeper personal ones seem more appropriate for the T to ask of their client, not the other way around.
 

[Not Alone]

I think she'd answer a closed question but I'd like more detail so I'd know if she'd really understand me.

Do you feel like she can't understand you unless she had a similar experience?

I have asked my T some personal experiences. Some answered, some not. Your therapist has the choice to answer or to not answer. Maybe it would be good to talk to her about your desire to ask her some personal questions.

[Kizzie]

It might actually make your connection with your T stronger if you shared your desire to ask a question but your concern over triggering her/breaking her trust.  That's negotiating a relationship respectfully imo and she then has the choice of how she wants to proceed. All good imo  

[woodsgnome]

Just a small example of how this has played out in my own interactions with my current (and best) T.

My T is generally not bothered by anything I inquire about, but sometimes she'll pause and wonder why I'm asking. It's not that she doesn't want to answer so much as to get a read on what's going on with me.

For instance, she'll wonder if I ask a question like "how do you think I'm doing" by asking me what I think. She has an opinion, of course; but she wants to see where I'm at -- it is my therapy, and if I'm doing better per her opinion it's not the whole story unless I see that, too. It's why I'm in therapy, after all; she'll encourage and point out things, but in the end I make the discoveries on my own.

I can't recall where there wasn't an openness in that regard. I highly value that; it's a trait that seemed rare with previous T's. I guess it all comes down to building a rapport of trust on both sides.   

[OceanStar]

Thank you all for your replies.

So, an update.

I eventually realised that I had many many questions all relating in some way and found somewhere to begin. Begining to talk, finding a way in is a big challenge for me.

My T had told me something about herself, she volunteered the info a few weeks previously so I began there. Tho not what was really bothering me but it was a begining. I was able to explain what and why i wanted to know. She answered me and we talked about it. As things moved along we arrived at the 'tricky' part. I was able to talk about it little but i couldnt ask my questions before I predictably began to freeze. It's hard explaining and answering questions without knowing how much knowledge someone on a topic or where the common ground is, if any. I wish I could ask before I shutdown.  Perhaps another time I'll be able to pick things up nearer to the mess and ask before I'm overwhelmed. It's just such slow work and so frustrating.

Too much going on in my head now. I need to stop writing.

[Not Alone]

Not sure if this fits, but would it help to write your question(s) down for her to read?

[woodsgnome]

I too 'froze' at first, tripped over my words (still do to an extent) but eventually accepted that my T was sincere in her trust, yet wise in letting me figure things out at my own pace.

For sure, some therapy can seem incredibly slow. It took patience I didn't think I had, but maybe that was part of what my therapy needed for me to start feeling more comfortable.

However this works out for you, I wish you well.

 

[Kizzie]

Doing what's right for you and going at your own pace - all good IMO   

[OceanStar]

So...
I'm thinking about that question again.
It just won't go away.

Recently I've connected a few dots. A deep wound, trauma, 'mess' from long ago had been covered and hidden but then a more recent thing ripped that wide open and my poor brain and body has been trying to understand it all. This time the same covering can't be replaced and made safe. I now have a huge gaping hole within me that often feels all consuming. There is no ending where I can be ok.
I want to talk about this in therapy but every time I just shut down and can't move.

I hope you don't mind me writing this. I just needed to get it out somehow. 

[Three Roses]

Personally, I've found writing things down to be a great help. We use a different area of our brain for handwriting than we do for typing, so I sometimes use both if I'm really struggling with something, whether it's a concept or a memory.

Writing letters is a good strategy for dealing with different situations. You can be as honest as you want in a letter if you have no intention of sending it, but you are still giving yourself the permission and opportunity to express your feelings.

I can see where writing a letter to your therapist may be a way to see if you really want to ask The Question. Seeing it in writing may let you see it in a different light. You can then read the letter in a session, or let your t read it (in your presence or after you've left), or email it.

[OceanStar]

Thank you all, writing things, emailing has been helpful, it has been a new avenue that has opened up because of the pandemic. I still haven't been able to ask my questions tho.

So, it's now August and I think I have finally found way in to ask my questions. I am going to risk it, I can't keep putting it off. Yes, they are difficult but that's why I'm there, in therapy. I need to ask, hear, and have the time and space to rebuild.

Problems
1. I can't do it on zoom. I need to wait until we are meeting face to face. This seems so important but I can't put my finger on why.

2. It's August and my T is away. September seems a LONG way away. 

For once I want to talk and I can't. I have to wait. Oh, the irony. My T is going to have a field day making connections and highlighting things
I can almost hear her now.

I am finding it so hard without therapy atm. I can see that it has given me the time to make a decision and that's a good thing. I am missing having the space to feel and be honest so much. How can 50 minutes in my week have become so huge. That frightens me a little. Time to stop. That's something to think through another day.

[Kizzie]

Considering we keep things buried for years FWIW I think you're making good progress Oceanstar, from wanting to ask the question but freezing to feeling ready, all in a few short months.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, oceanstar,

something that's helped me when i want to say/ask something but not sure how or the time isn't right, etc. is i put it in an email but don't send it.  that way it remains as a draft, and if/when i get new ideas about it, i can refer to it, make changes, or even make a different one.  don't know if that might help, ignore it if it doesn't.

i agree w/ kizzie - i believe you're showing great progress.  hang in there till sept., ok?  i know how important my phone sessions are to me, how important it is to talk to my t (and i'm doing it 2x/week right now).  i have faith that this won't be necessary at some point in time, but right now it feels essential to my stability and well-being.  sending a hug filled with love and patience.   

[OceanStar]

Thank you for your messages of support.

At the end of my last session I took the plunge and asked one of my questions and I was able to say I have others. It was a difficult question to ask, but not to answer so no chance of upsetting the balance between us.

Next time we are going to be meeting face to face for the first time since everything was shutdown by Covid. I am hoping the fact that my T knows I want to say something in advance along with being back together again will make it easier.