m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[marta1234]

Thank you to everyone who replied, and just thank you to the forum. I feel like my self doubt is extremely high these days, I'm having past guilt coming forward in big waves.
TW----SH

For example, a day ago I had this dream where i was in a bad situation and I had fallen. But then the pain that I felt was something that I wanted more, and so I forcefully kept pushing myself to fall to feel the pain of it.
-----end of tw

I've been feeling this doubt again, and guilt, when I've been just trying to support some people in their journals. I sometimes feel like I'm saying too much of this, and that it will come across not genuine, or that I'm just trying to be pleasing.
What do you say to the negative thoughts of your IC? It's just that mine seems very strong.

[sanmagic7]

hey, marta,

i think self-doubt tends to run rampant when we are in situations that are out of our control, such as the world situation right now.  i've also had bouts of self-doubt when writing in others' journals, just because it was 'one of those days' where i wasn't feeling quite right.  i believe these types of things often come in waves, and sometimes we're able to surf the tops of them pretty well, sometimes we wipe out and feel like we're under water, but we keep swimming and eventually get to the top again.

ICr's?  i say poo to you!  honestly, i really do sometimes shout at those types of messages, or whatever comes into my mind that is unwanted.  know that you are a valuable person, your input and responses are valid and show support to us when we're struggling, and are greatly appreciated.  if your response is genuine, you'll know it and we'll feel it.  this forum is so wonderful at not being judgmental.  i'm glad you're here.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

I question myself in my response to others' posts. Sometimes the doubt is bigger than other times, depending on the place I'm in and/or how well I "know" the person I'm responding to.

From the other end, I always appreciate it when others reply to what I've written. It means a lot to be heard. Even if someone writes something that doesn't quite fit with me or my circumstance, he/she still took the time to respond and to me that shows care.

[marta1234]

Thank you notalone and san for making me feel welcome and better. I really appreciate it. I realize that for almost a week I've been afraid of my friends and the responses from this forum, I kind of realized that something's not right. I don't know why though, I know that it all started because I pushed myself through triggering work.
In any case, I wanted to share a short simple poem ,although it is far from most creative work that is posted here, that I wrote last september. Maybe it can help someone about the future.

-----------TW-----------------


When I was in my hole, in the deep deep chasm,
I feel like I was waiting for a train.
You know that feeling when you wait for a train,
and every so often look up at the time board?
And when you see it will only arrive in 10 min and slump back on the bench,
but then when you look again it still says 10 min?

Is it just me or does time stay still when I don't need it to be?
Like can't this abuse just be fast forwarded to the loneliness?
Like can't your yelling be swiped right with a hand
and have me come back to the depressive thoughts?

I wish I could fast forward most of my childhood.

But are there any moments that deserve a back track?
A stretch in time to conserve this moment forever?
Maybe in the future.
Probably.

[sanmagic7]

beautifully hopeful, marta.  thanks.  love and hugs

[woodsgnome]

  I love your poem, Marta ... it says it well.

The quote below is one that came to mind today. While it could be placed in the quotes section for its own sake, I hope it's okay to stick it here, as it speaks to the connective issues of what you've spoken about, Marta1234.

I think it describes well that the connections and support we can find here, even against our doubts that we're really affecting each other. No more  from me, though. The quote that caught my attention is:

"Community does not necessarily mean living face-to-face with others; rather, it means never losing the awareness that we are connected to each other."
— Parker J. Palmer

[marta1234]

I forgot to say thanks to San woodsgnome replies, so here I am saying it.
I'm also sorry that I haven't been able to be active in other's journals, I just haven't been in the right mind. Besides, I wanted to write this down to clear up my mind.

—————————————

I feel like I'm at a blocked road. I opened up a bit to my mother and a bit to my other brother some time ago. But now, with time having passed, I can't just look at my foo (except younger b of course, I won't be telling him anything) and tell them something. Tell them about the bad things and how their actions when angry were seen by me, because of what was happening to me (I know I'm vague but I don't want to put any details).
The thing is, there's too much. And I don't know what to say to my foo. Right now, I'm stuck because I need to say some things but I don't know how. Most of this week a lot of thoughts have been ruminating in my head, sentences that I hear clearly forming full of pain about my fam members. But a lot of it is hurtful and mean, and in some ways I am not capable of understanding their meanings because I can't understand the pain that made me think that. Maybe I don't remember. I guess I just feel stuck, on pause, but I need to press play, to go forward.

I just feel like this was a rumble of words, don't know if it helped.

[sanmagic7]

hey, marta,

when i've been stuck, feeling blocked or like there are too many thoughts running thru my head, it has helped me to write them down, see them in black and white.  i'm not saying you should do that here if you don't feel comfortable, but just for yourself.  don't know if that might help you, but it's really done a lot for me to un-jumble stuff.

if this isn't for you, please ignore it.  just know that i support you and care - love and hugs

[marta1234]

Thank you, san for your message, Means a lot to me. Writing will be helpful, just when I'll feel like it.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Hopefully you'll move forward when the time feels right.  Wishing you the best for this week, and hope that each moment is one that will be something you can handle, but if you feel stuck, don't be hard on yourself - sometimes there are moments that just need to have some space before you can move forward.  Not sure if this makes any sense.  But I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[marta1234]

Thank you, Hope. Although I feel like I'm forced to open up and feel more than I can manage these days, I will hopefully push less on myself.

18.04 Journal entry———————tw: detail of flashback

There is this flashback that I get every time I have to do school work. And I've had it for my whole life, if I'm being honest. Today I have work to do, things to write. But I can't. I'm having this emotional flashback. All I can feel, and what I've always felt, is being scared. Frozen. Unable to move my body. Just my body not being my body anymore. And terrified. And I feel like that when I think about school work or when I look at my computer.
This flashback, or whatever it is, just makes it impossible for me to do the work. I always have to push myself to extreme mesures, and even thinking about that makes me want to cry. But I have no memory. I don't know why this is what it is. And this flashback makes me very insecure, especially when I talk about it. I've told my mother once, and I didn't get anything from her. No comfort. Her words didn't mean anything to me, because I was still scared. I just don't understand what this is.

[Not Alone]

Marta, flashbacks are so hard. When they aren't connected to a memory, to me, it is even harder to deal with. Just awful feelings with no context. I have had that experience of being frozen often.

[marta1234]

Thank you, notalone. I just don't really understand the science behind a flashback with no memory.
I'm thinking of not doing any of the work until I feel better or can somehow manage. Because I'm tired of always putting this "work" in front of my trauma and mental health. I need to find a healthy way of completing these assignments, because it's just too much for me right now.

[sanmagic7]

i've had these, too, marta.  some of them i've been able to trace back to an expectation that was put on me.  there was no physical connection, just that i was 'expected' to do things or be a certain way, and if i didn't something bad might happen.  it took me a long time to be able to trace that origin and get hold of it.  i still have them, especially about being perfect, which i'm ready to work on w/ my t. 

just sending you love and a hug filled with clarity and recognition.     hope you're feeling better real soon.

[marta1234]

I wanted to write this down somewhere, just to show it's importance for myself.

Tw: mention of su*cide

I've been opening up to the flashback that I've been having non stop, and I realized that when, for most of my life, I've had to do an assignment, I've been having suicidal thoughts. I realized this because yesterday I'd been having them and also did some self h*rm, as I let the task of doing the assignments still linger in my head.
I just don't know what to do with this information. I'm shocked, to be honest. I've always felt insecure about my problems with school, never being the best or not understanding something.

Thank you san for your wishes, they were well received.