m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[Bach]

Stopping by to give you some hugs for the new year 

[marta1234]

Thank you Bach, back at you too   

I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Past issues in my relationship (that imo is non existant except for formalities) with my b have been resurfacing. I feel scared every time I've had to face it. I don't know if anyone noticed, but I've been very reluctant and actually opposed to act and do something in my (non existant) relationship with my b. Every time I think about it, I'm just scared. I'm thrown back to being a little girl and in all of that mess of a*use. I don't think I deserve to get away from it. I'm afraid that if I find relief it will be taken away as quickly as it came.
But I know that of all people, you guys here would understand and support me. I'm scared of changing anything with my b. And I feel alone with this.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug    I know you're feeling some feelings of overwhelm regarding your b, but I hope that you know that you aren't alone.  I realise you feel alone, but I wanted to say that I hope that you know that your needs and wants and thoughts and feelings are important.  I think so, and I care.   

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Marta, I understand that you feel alone. You have support and care here.

[marta1234]

Thank you Hope and Notalone for your support and comfort. I feel like this is part of the root cause (there is still other things that contributed to some trauma) for my relational trauma and it feels so raw and very fragile in my mind. And I think it will always be like that, well for decades to come.

TW: choice of words, mention of PA and EA——————-
My b, that I do not want give the name "brother" (contrary to my other sibling), has always been a part of me. A terror in my life from day one it feels. I don't remember any memories when I do not feel tense and hyper vigilant around him (even in my earliest, which is like 6 years old that I can remember). When I was 12/13ish, I remember writing a song (just lyrics), about him being a "monster and the worst person ever" (pretty much the devil in a child's mind). And know when I think of my life and mind, every physical abuse I endured has stayed in my body (influencing every action I make), and all the emotional abuse warps my mind with voices and negative thoughts. How could such a person have so much control over your life? I feel sad.

End of TW————————

I wanted to come here and congratulate myself on being on this forum for already a year!  (my "1 year anniversary" of my journal will be in March so...) This was a big step that I took in my long (and still continuing) recovery process. I remember having found this forum in July/June, but "I didn't have the guts" to read or relate. I still have doubts of whether if not I have cptsd, or trauma, and I know it will always be there (hopefully won't be as prevalent when I'm older).

I also wanted to add that I've been having exams this week, so very stressful and exhausting (understatement). I sometimes just feel like I want to cry, but alas, I haven't just cried uncontrollably for a year now. So inside sadness and turmoil it is.

[Blueberry]

 

[marta1234]

Thank you BB, you made me smile (much needed)   

[Not Alone]

Marta, glad that you have been part of this community for the last year. 

[marta1234]

Notalone,   

[marta1234]

I don't know what to say for today. I feel scared, frozen. I had a dream. Or more a nightmare, although I can barely connect to my emotions in it.

TW: violence————————

What I do remember is that someone was shooting at me, or trying to. And I remember bracing myself for it, for being k*lled essentially. I was protecting my m, for whatever reason, from the gun. So I put my body in front of hers. And there was this person shooting bullets at us, and until then they had missed, but I knew that eventually they will get me and I will die.
I've had many "nightmares" (I put this in quotation marks because most of them I'm unable to feel the extent of the emotions, so essentially presently they feel more like "bad dreams") but I never can connect the meaning of the emotion(s) that I'm aware to what's inside me (in my head).

I'm feeling tense, frightened and tired. I'm afraid of admitting that I'm in an EF, a part does not want to accept. I will respect that decision and will say that trauma stuff is coming back up. Scary stuff.

[Hope67]

Sending you a safe hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[marta1234]

Thank you Hope 

I just had something happen. Usually, I'd bury this with my shame inside, and all of the bad things that my IC tells me. But I know this is a safe place, and a place of support. I keep repeating this to myself, so I would feel less scared.
How to explain. I had a family member tell my b (over the phone) that I do not wish to speak to him for a while. I don't know what to feel. I also witnessed my m cry because of me (although everything is alright now, just a misunderstanding) but it still is a big fear from my childhood: never make m cry, because then you're in trouble (for whatever reason). And although it was some time back, and I have discussed the unfairness of a lot of things with my mom (she's be open with her faults and me too), it still hurts. I still felt frozen, detached, unaware, when it happened. Again, the phrase "because of me" just brings so much guilt, fear and shame. In my childhood, my m was very emotional and got fumed up very fast. So I always had to tiptoe around her and her emotions, to not tick her off.
So much in my head. It feels very discouraging. But I'm happy I shared these "shameful" thoughts. So much I've kept inside. Hopefully I'll feel better after a while.

[Not Alone]

I feel sad that you were made to feel responsible for your mom's feelings. Moms are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around.

[marta1234]

Thank you Notalone for your validation. I haven't been able to see it that way, so it helps when I hear it from someone else.

I didn't think whether I'd want to update or write more, but it seems that I'm still struggling. I realized I've come to a point now where I know that I'm better when I don't feel the need to write on this forum frequently, and so I've been holding off writing a lot of times just to tell myself that it's not that bad. But I'm still having a hard time, so here I am.
I've been having the conversation of the phone call from yesterday (with my b) playing over in my mind again and again. Right now I have a specific sentence that I can hear in my head that my d said when talking to my b (he was the one in charge of the conversation). I feel that it was overshare of information, and although I know my d had my best interests at heart, I still feel uncomfortable. As if the situation wasn't triggering enough, this "overshare" just struck right as a trigger and has me scared even more.
Everything is very complicated. And scary. I don't know what to say.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,

It's difficult when thoughts come and play over and over, I've had that quite a lot myself, and it is hard to distract from them - but I hope that you are able to feel a bit better as time goes on, and that it maybe feels a bit less scary over time - I wish I could say something helpful, but I did want to send you a hug 

Hope