m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[marta1234]

Thank you everyone for your support, it was and always is appreciated.

I'm speechless right now. I need to write this down. I don't know what to do.
Tw: mention of su*cide, upsetting information about it, and a*use————————

I had a conversation with my father, firstly so I would tell him to stop asking me about su*cide and what I thought of it (he did this right before, at dinner). And then he started asking me questions. And the one thing he kept repeating to me, asking me, was, "How come people nowadays choose to kill themselves, when I had a * childhood with a father who left and a mother who abused me but never thought of taking my life?" He kept on asking why do people do that if he never thought of it when he was being hit and terrorized. I told him that I've had these thoughts. But for him it was just surprise. I don't know what to say to that.
I know he has childhood pain. I can feel it, I've always felt it whenever he talks about the terror and the stories. And I know this is some way of pushing his pain out, asking me over and over in such an unemotional and distant way, as if taking someone's life was not serious.
But I don't know how to react. I don't know what to think. I sometimes feel like this is useless what I do, trying to open up and be thrown at with old sayings or just hurtful things. When I'm writing this out, the inside part of me is quivering in fear, as if not going through all this pain and upsetting feelings to try and open my FOO's minds  is unacceptable. Like I have to be open because they're family, because it's my duty, because it's what's right. As if misunderstanding was my fault.

Thank you if someone has read this far. I also wanted to note that I feel a bit disgusted at this whole thing.

[Blueberry]

Marta, I'm sorry you're having to listen to things like that from your F. It sounds to me like the old comparison game that so many of us get subjected to in our FOOs.

I'm glad you reached out here Can you try some self-care for the part of you quivering in fear? Like cuddling under a blanket or anything else that helps you. You are not responsible for his childhood pain. Only your F can deal with that. Only you can decide if opening up in your FOO is worth it for you. Sending caring, gentle 

[marta1234]

Thank you, Blueberry for your care. I feel like the part has since disappeared a bit, behind walls and sheets of blankets.

[Not Alone]

It sounds like your father is not able to look beyond his own experience. If he dealt with his childhood in a certain way, then everyone else should too.

Your experiences, struggles and feelings are valid. Sending care to you.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Sending you a supportive and gentle hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[owl25]

Hi marta, I'm sorry you had to deal with that, that sounds awful. None of this is your fault. Our FOOs are very good at making us feel ever so responsible for them, and we aren't. It's really hard. How are you doing now?

[marta1234]

Thank you Hope, and notalone for your support. Your words helped when I was really upset over the conversation.

Thank you owl for your kind words and your compassion, it took me by surprise your question, as you may know, when someone shows empathy to you.
My parts have been very secluded and blocked, I'm feeling that they are very scared and terrified. 3 days ago I set an appointment with a therapist, and this just sent me in a whirlwind. A number of parts have just become so little, leaving me with restless nights. Anxiety for a meet up tomorrow has also shown more EFs and other parts completely in overdrive. This one quote stuck to me, from an article that was shared in the section on anxiety here:
"For someone dealing with complex trauma, the anxiety they feel does not come from some mysterious unknown source or obsessing about what could happen. For those who have experienced trauma, anxiety comes from an automatic physiological response to what has actually, already happened."

This brought me some light. I've always, since I was little, have had extreme anxiety before a meet up or anything like that, getting worse every year. And now I just see it in a different way.

[owl25]

That sounds really rough, I'm sorry there is so much upheaval for you right now. That quote makes so much sense, I saw that recently too. We've already had the worst things happen to us, no wonder we're panicked and scared. Sending care and support.

[marta1234]

Thank you owl for your reply. It was very scary my first and second time with the therapist.

Today, I went to a friend's house and played games: board games and video too. But my perfectionism set in. And it was horrible. My muscles tensed to the extreme and I was in so much pain (physically and emotionally) at the end. Right now, when I'm writing this I feel ashamed and scared and hurt. What kind of trauma does not allow me to enjoy board games? Childhood games? Have I been always this stressed and with extreme fear whenever I played? Even when I was a kid? I can't wrap my head around it. I envy those who enjoy and feel the fun when they play with others.
I just feel so alone and lost.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
I am sorry that you're feeling alone and lost, and I wanted to send you a gentle hug of support, if that's ok.   
Hope 

[marta1234]

Thank you Hope for your care. The little appreciates it and wants to give you a flower too. I wanted to note that reading this back, it sounds and feels like a little’s emotions. Like kid’s emotions, when all they (I) wanted to feel was fun and laughter and be free and not traumatized.
I think I’ve never enjoyed a game in my life. Stolen childhood.

[Bach]

Marta, I understand what you mean about a stolen childhood.  It's hard to laugh and feel free and have fun when you have been abused from such a young age and have always had to struggle to survive without ever having been able to just live.  I hear you and would like to offer safe hugs to you and your little if you want some 

[buddy9832]

Thank you everyone for your support, it was and always is appreciated.

I'm speechless right now. I need to write this down. I don't know what to do.
Tw: mention of su*cide, upsetting information about it, and a*use————————

I had a conversation with my father, firstly so I would tell him to stop asking me about su*cide and what I thought of it (he did this right before, at dinner). And then he started asking me questions. And the one thing he kept repeating to me, asking me, was, "How come people nowadays choose to kill themselves, when I had a * childhood with a father who left and a mother who abused me but never thought of taking my life?"

Marta your story resonated with me big time. I've been having issues with my wife's family and suicide. I've definitely thought about the concept and have definitely considered self harm.  Additionally, two employees I worked with passed due to the act and there were a few instances during my time in the Navy.

They own a small plumbing shop and one of their employee's  son committed suicide. I never knew the individual but the event brought me right back to my days in the Navy. I had to take a sailor twice to the hospital due to being suicidal and shortly after I left two sailors from the ship committed the act. They would talk about the subject whimsically or be absolutely irreverent talking about the son. It would just throw me into a rage. It seems like you handled the topic fairly tactfully with your father. Good on you. It seems like some people just aren't capable of discussing the topic with the seriousness and respect it deserves.

[marta1234]

Thank you Bach for your hug and support. Really appreciated.
And you're right buddy, the topic does deserve more seriousness and respect from people. Although I'm kind of saddened that afterwards I tried to reason with my father, upsetting all of my parts and not having changed anything in the end (I still afterwards came back to my stance that I don't want to discuss it any further).

—————————————
Journal entry:

I feel like I can't move. All my parts are terrified. I've said yes to a 4 day stay at a friends house for a party, and there'll be 12 of us in total staying. But this is so hard. My anxiety is over the roof, I'm feeling nauseous, my whole body hurts from another stay over that I did 2 days ago, and I'm just terrified. We're leaving tomorrow.
I feel like my trauma is so here and present, I'm thinking a thousand things at once and I can't catch my breath. I've never really found anything that would help with this anxiety. I just wish I wouldn't have to be scared. It's like I've been thrust back in middle school when I had unpleasant experiences at someone else's house and the horrible yearly family trips that we'd do all the time. I feel so alone in this nightmare. Like someone will hurt me at any moment. I just wish I would have someone to hold me right now, or maybe it's a part that's opening their feelings, and the fact that there was no one to protect me or hold me when those horrible things happened to me. I'm feeling very hopeless.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so anxious.

You say that it feels as though you're back at middle school, and maybe a part is opening their feelings. This makes me wonder if the part still thinks they're in that situation. Maybe they don't realise that they're overwhelming you? It's just a thought, please ignore if it's not helpful.

Sending you a hug of support.