m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[marta1234]

Yes, Snowdrop, I think that they do. Anxiety and hypervigiliance is what I'd feel especially in middle/high school when around group of girls, also who I do not know. I just want to tell that part that I won't be alone, there will be my best friend (who I'm very close with) for support (she's the one throwing this party).
Thank you again for your support, Snowdrop and your hugs.

[Snowdrop]

Something that helps me if parts are activated like that is to ask them to give me space, and stop overwhelming me. I tell them that I can still give them attention, but I need space in order to do so. I find this calms them down, and it puts me back in the driving seat.

I hope it goes ok. As you say, it's different now. You won't be alone, your supportive best friend will be there.

[marta1234]

Thank you Snowdrop for that tip. I'll use it when I feel better.

I don't know what to say. I feel so alone right now, even if I do have people that care about me. I feel like I'm endlessly alone. Everything is too much. The pain is unbearable. I'm thinking that past feelings are coming to me, and it brings me pain when I feel it. I'm very scared and vulnerable. Will I ever be not scared? Why am I like this if there is no underlying reason? I wish I could feel love and support without being so scared of it.

[rainydiary]

Marta, your post feels like one I could have written today.  I read this right before doing a yoga session (Yoga for Grief with Yoga with Adriene) and I noticed my heart so full for you, me, and all of us suffering.  I feel so much for us in those moments where nothing is exactly wrong but we aren't able to feel good.  I wish it wasn't that way and yet it is.  I appreciate you sharing your story here even at points where things don't feel so great. 

[marta1234]

Tw: mention of physical abuse

I'm looking out every window from my apartment and I see myself. Little. Scared. Afraid. Crying out loud to the people down there that why is this happening to me? Why am I being hit and forced to stand down? Why am I being hit again and again because I can't stand down? That's what my brother did to me. And I would chastise myself afterwards that I didn't stand down. That I made this mess because I couldn't keep quiet and let him hit me. I am so hurt. I am traumatized. And when I look up to the night sky from my window, that's what I see. The little girl crying, pleading that god, a policeman, someone will help her and make her feel safe.
Today is my namesday. And I feel hurt and just sorry for all those namesdays before that I've had to celebrate scared, frightened, hurt, alone. I'm sorry little Marta. I wish I could take it all away.

[marta1234]

And thank you Rainydiary for your reply. Sending you a hug back

[marta1234]

This part still wants to tell it’s story. And even though I’m scared and afraid of the judgement and repercussions that this part feels, I acknowledge that the part needs a space to talk about it.

However, another part has just come to front, and i think that’s one of those exile parts that is holding a traumatic memory that has made me scared of boys my age even more (I was already scared of them because of how I was treated at home). This experience happened in school when I was 14 years old. But she’s not ready to share.

Tw: physical abuse—————————-
So coming back to my other part that wanted to continue their story, they feel shame and disgust to the abuse that I would get from my brother. In my head, it was always that it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to be classified as beatings, although I (and everyone in our family) stood there watching my father do it to my older brother (which I feel like is our family secret, as no one has ever mentioned it). But other than that, what my younger brother did to me was never enough. I can only say that he hit me but not more. I read these horrible stories and think to myself that these are what classify as beatings.
The shame and disgust for my whole life is just twisting these words. I can’t get them all out.

[sanmagic7]

marta,  i appreciate the effort it took to get as much out about this as you have been doing.  breaking these secrets open, speaking your truth, and doing so even w/ the fear of repercussion is huge.  i give you a lot of credit.

as far as being hit not being 'enough' to qualify as, what, trauma?  a real beating?  something you didn't deserve?  being hit, even once, is not ok.  the fact that you know suffer with and carry around all these negative emotions are the proof that what your brother did to you was more than 'enough'.  there is no comparison chart for what others go thru.  it's what it's done to us, to our minds, our ways of thinking and feeling, that count.  you have gone thru more than 'enough', and it's horrible that you had to endure any of it.

sending love and hugs to you, filled w/ care and compassion.

[marta1234]

Thank you San for your words, it really means a lot and helped that part feel better.

I feel so sad and in pain for whatever reason. My stomach just hurts constantly. This started a day after my therapy session, when I disclosed some past and received feedback from my therapist that that's not supposedly to be. I've also been having trouble sleeping. I feel like I'm in too much physical and emotional pain to function.

Tw: mention of word a*use
Maybe it's all that physical abuse (that I talked in my last session) that is starting to show on my body, like my body remembering all of that. I feel scared when I think about this. I am scared every hour.

[owl25]

I'm sorry for what your brother put you through. That is a very scary thing to have happen. I'm sorry you are feeling scared now too. This stuff is hard. I have no idea if this will help with the fear, but for what it's worth, you are safe now. You survived what happened. You are just remembering now and you aren't alone. I don't know if you are able to breathe to try and help settle the fear. If you can, maybe try that. 

[marta1234]

Thank you Owl for your words. I really appreciate them. Sending you some love back too

I realized right now one big trigger for me is the sentence “You are safe now”. I feel like my parts are divided on that, one side agree somewhat (or see it in logical terms that it won’t happen again?) but the other side don’t agree, as I’m still technically in the same environment (living w/ parents and siblings in the same apartment). This has become an issue for me, especially when at first I was new to emotional flashbacks and had printed out the 10 step management sheet from Pete walker, and who mentioned this sentence “You are safe now”, which I completely disagreed with. Right now, this is how the parts (littles) who disagree with the statement view the situation:
Tw: mention of a*use
my parents have abused me emotionally and I’ve seen them abusing my brothers physically, my younger brother has emotionally and physically abused me, and my older brother has just stayed by and done nothing. So, these parts will not forgive them and will not suddenly now agree that everything is ok now and that we (my system of parts) are safe. I’ve been wondering if someone who is in a similar situation like me thinks like this too.

[owl25]

I'm sorry marta, I didn't realize you were still living with your family. That was a big assumption on my part. It makes absolute sense that you don't feel safe, how could you given that you are in the same environment? A lot of the perspectives for trying to heal and to manage flashbacks often try to anchor you to your actual safety now, but for you, you're not in a situation like that yet. The best I can do is that when you're having a flashback, is that you aren't alone. You have our support here, and some day, whether that is soon or a bit of a longer wait, you will be safe. 

[marta1234]

Thank you Owl for your kind words. Brings me a smile when I read that I have support here and from friends irl too. It's ok, I'm pushing more towards the fact that I have the memories of the abuse, and although my FOO have pardoned for their "mistakes", it's impossible to forgive. It feels impossible. Especially for those littles, and I'm assuming exiles, that have these memories with them to this day. Their burdens that haunt them everyday of these horrible memories, and where is forgiveness in that? I feel like I'll have a life long journey for that. I know I haven't had the worst and that I'm fortunate to have a FOO that opens up to their "abuse", but the acceptance still seems far.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
I've read the last couple of things you wrote in your journal here, and wanted to say that I relate to what you wrote very much.  From my own perspective I am NC (not in communication) with my FOO (family of origin) and yet I still feel unsafe and preoccupied with thoughts of them, even though it's been a few years now since I last had any contact with them.  I imagine it must be incredibly difficult to be living with your family - and I just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[marta1234]

Thank you Hope for your support. I'm always glad to read your replies  .

A little (part/exile) has wanted to share something with you (the forum I guess?). I was sleeping and I had this very bad dream that I kept on going back to. It was of my mother and she was this big monster, very tall and she was pulling me forward to her. The room was dark. And I try to get away from her. Eventually, I get a metal armor on my whole body (even face). But little me knows it's futile, like a movie where you know the ending that the character will be hurt and no justice or safety will be found. I'm grasped still by my mother and hurt through my armor, which gives up and has cracks that are opening up. I woke up then.

I'm glad that this part, young me (I don't know how old, maybe 9/8?) wanted to share this. Although to the dismay of my protectors who want to keep these kinds of  stuff inside and locked. But I'm feeling really bad right now. And I think I understand my protectors, as I'm being overwhelmed by that part. I understand keeping this locked in a cage like my protectors want to do, to protect me from these horrible things.