m1234 journal: one foot forward?

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notalone

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #90 on: September 13, 2020, 03:17:11 AM »
To 14 year old part, I hear how hurt you are by your friend. I'm so sorry.

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #91 on: September 13, 2020, 08:44:02 AM »
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I hope my part can process this and is allowed to grieve. It feels like such a loss.
Thank you everyone for being here, you have really helped me to accept my parts as best as I can and learn to be better  :grouphug:

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #92 on: September 14, 2020, 10:13:07 PM »
Iím going to be staying in our apartment for a week until my family gets back. I am alone. But it feels like old trauma is coming back up. I am in hyper vigilance the whole time, and scared so bad that I can feel throughout my whole body. I can feel that the majority of my parts are terrified to be in their own skin. Last year I also stayed in the apartment alone for a week, but it was such a bad experience. I felt scared everyday, and felt worse when Iíd have to come home after school.
Why does cptsd have to be like this? Why do I have to feel all these scars? Iím scared and donít want to feel that anymore (for this one week at least...).

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owl25

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #93 on: September 14, 2020, 11:42:37 PM »
I find the fear is so, so hard to deal with. Is being alone what is so frightening to you? Or is it because family is away that there is space for trauma to come up?

 :hug:

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #94 on: September 15, 2020, 12:34:10 PM »
I think both. Because family is away, it is so painful to look at everything and not feel the trauma. And because Iím alone, my brain immediately gets triggered into hyper vigilance mode 24/7. Itís just hard. My being alone triggers me to a state in the past when my brother would perversely check if I was alone and then only do stuff to me (not s*xual, just physically and verbally abusive). I feel like this is something that Iím deeply ashamed of.

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sanmagic7

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #95 on: September 15, 2020, 10:53:29 PM »
 :hug:

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #96 on: September 15, 2020, 11:35:49 PM »
Thank you San for your hugs, there are always appreciated by my younger parts. :) Sending you one back too :hug:

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owl25

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #97 on: September 16, 2020, 12:31:23 AM »
That's really tough marta  :hug: For me, being alone is my safety. It must be so hard for you to have that feel so unsafe for you. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't cause your brother to do this to you.

Does it help to have the tv or the radio going to get a sense of not being alone? I sometimes like to tune into something that is being broadcast on the radio, because I know other people are on the air in that moment and other people are listening at the same time.

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Blueberry

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #98 on: September 16, 2020, 10:34:21 PM »
For me, being alone is my safety. It must be so hard for you to have that feel so unsafe for you. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't cause your brother to do this to you.

 :yeahthat: The shame isn't yours either. I'm sorry your B did those things to you. Here is a gentle  :hug:

I remember I used to feel frightened alone at home in many houses. So I'm sending compassion.

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Hope67

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #99 on: September 23, 2020, 10:15:37 AM »
Dear Marta,
I am sorry that your B did those things to you, and I also would like to offer you a gentle hug  :hug: 

I also feel so much worse (frightened, anxious and many more feelings) if I'm alone in a house - I recall many times in the past when this would be hugely triggering to be in that situation.  I therefore also, like Bluebery said, feel compassion and empathy.

Hope  :)

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #100 on: September 23, 2020, 02:37:07 PM »
Thank you owl, blueberry and hope for your support. :hug: I still donít understand why it was so hard for me, so I donít have much to add. But I do want to note that many parts find the responsibilities of being alone and memories connected to the ďbeing aloneĒ.
I just wanted to answer to Owl that the tv or radio doesnít help, it seems that the TV makes my parts tense (so I havenít used it).

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Hope67

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #101 on: October 02, 2020, 12:03:18 PM »
Dear Marta,
Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)