m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[sanmagic7]

thanks for sharing, marta.  sending love and hugs this stuff isn't easy, and those realizations, while tough, can provide us with stepping stones, in my opinion only, for moving forward.  i do believe the more we learn about ourselves, the easier it is to track that information to its source and finally resolve it.  i think you're doing difficult work, marta.  well done.

[marta1234]

Thank you San for your support. Helps a lot. Wanted to also send you some positive energy for the help that you put into this forum and all the achievements that you have made (been following your journal). Sending hugs for the progress that you’ve made

I needed to write this down so it’s out there. I think I really need to address this anger that I feel towards my m. Because right now I find myself in an EF (I’m guessing) and I’m feeling this raging anger at my m, just because she did this one little thing that annoyed me. It’s like this anger just took over me, and I can’t do anything else other than be angry.
It just takes so much out of me, and I know that this anger is disproportionate to what is reality, so I need to speak it out loud once and for all.

——
I’ve come back to write this down: now I feel stupid and petty for wanting to have this conversation with her. There are too voices in my head: one saying that it’s stupid and unimportant to want to say something or speak my “truth” in a sense (childish for me), and then there’s another that is saying that it’s been to long and it’s time for me to speak.

[Three Roses]

There are too voices in my head: one saying that it's stupid and unimportant to want to say something or speak my "truth" in a sense (childish for me), and then there's another that is saying that it's been to long and it's time for me to speak.

When we've been silent for so long, it can be very difficult to find that good balance - practicing speaking up for ourselves is a step in the right direction imo. As long as you're safe doing it. Like riding a bike, you'll get better at it as you go. You'll know when it's beneficial for you to speak up for yourself and when it's in your best interest to quietly hold your ground.

I've had the opposite struggle in my own life. I had to learn to hold my tongue and not be so confrontational. I felt threatened if I showed any weakness. That middle ground is best for me, and where I'm most comfortable! But I had to practice to find it, and I work daily at maintaining it. Or else I fall into old behaviors that don't serve me anymore.

[marta1234]

I just watched this movie, and the ending just brought me so much pain. It was sci-fi movie, and the protagonist had powers. But then there were a group of people who would hunt down these type of people with powers. And in the ending scene, the protagonist finds his mother who left when he was young, and realizes that she works for the "hunters". The protagonists asks, "What now?" and the mother answers with "I'll give you head start.", meaning to hunt him down. But it hit me hard, that this was shown "out of love", as the boy and mother hug and he leaves. I was aghast when I saw this. The abandonment that the mother shows brought so much pain to me.

Thank you 3R for your support, and sharing your experience. I think it was the same for me, but it will take me so long to admit it to myself as it brings toxic shame at myself when I think about it, because speaking up never helped before.

[sanmagic7]

hey, marta,

thanks for your kind words

i was brought up in a household where the norm was 'children should be seen and not heard' - and 'family first'.  it made the idea of speaking up unthinkable.  it takes great courage to break those barriers, and sometimes even superpowrers! to speak our truth. from experience, that may look like a joke, but it truly felt like it at times.

i agree w/ 3r that balance is important, and also that speaking up and out, if it benefits our well-being, is also important.  those 'one little' things can harm us over and over, such as being in a state of angry rage continually.  that can't be good for us, can it?  i've had experience w/ that anger w/ my ex, which turned into hate over time, and it took a lot of work w/ my t to move myself past that because i had nowhere to go with it.  it was horrible.

personally, i don't believe anything is too small or insignificant when it impacts us negatively;  it's valid and valuable for us to name it in order to tame it - take away its power over us.  best to you with this, marta.  love and hugs 

[marta1234]

Thank you San for your reply.

I've been having some difficult times, and what I am about to write is daunting, but I wanted to before I came to my computer.
Alot of websites suggest to keep a journal, or something of that sorts to sort through out the thoughts. But I have trauma with that (I feel stupid saying that). I've had experiences where my siblings read my diaries when I was young, and when I choose to stay in contact with a person by letters (also young). The thing with this person was that she and I would write small letters to each other, and I had to write only positive things to her as I somehow thought someone (who shouldn't, like my m) would read them, and in any case, I didn't trust her. But somehow now attempting to write a letter or something in a journal just makes me forget what I wanted to say or be in an EF. Because even if writing is very intimate, I've never been able to express myself.

I wanted to also note that today I've been in an EF that has incapacitated me to do anything, and that's ok. I just can't get my surroundings, so it's ok.

[sanmagic7]

hey,

unfortunately, we've had people in our lives who have broken our trust about doing good things for ourselves, like writing in journals or communicating truthfully w/ others.  thank you for sharing here.  we will hold what you've written gently and compassionately, no matter what it is.  sending a hug filled with love and angel wings to surround you and keep you safe while you go thru this rough time.   

[Not Alone]

we will hold what you've written gently and compassionately, no matter what it is. 

But I have trauma with that (I feel stupid saying that).



I wanted to also note that today I've been in an EF that has incapacitated me to do anything, and that's ok. I just can't get my surroundings, so it's ok.

There are so many different connections to the traumas we experience. Your reason for being triggered by journaling makes sense. Even if you didn't know the reasons behind your distress, your feelings are legitimate. I picked up on "I feel stupid" because I realize that I say that fairly often in my therapy sessions.

I'm sorry you are in an EF, but so good that you are being kind to yourself.

[marta1234]

Thank you San and notalone for your support. Your words made sense to me, and helped me feel not alone in this.

I've been feeling this whole day estranged. I had a horrible nightmare, or the first vivid one I've had. I feel separated from my family, like I'm not really here when around them. At dinner, I think I was having a mild panic attack. I don't know the right term, but I know that it was hours after I had woken up, and was the time when I usually start processing my dreams. But I felt like with this one I couldn't. So while I was sitting there, I think my heartbeat was going faster. And adrenaline was going high up.
I just feel lost to be honest. This isn't something that I can deal by my own. Especially now I'm scared to go to sleep.

Also I wanted to send my support to those who write in their journals, i haven't been able to reply but I do read them, I'm just a bit lost these past weeks. I'm feeling very strange, like this is not my life while writing this.  Detached.

[Three Roses]

Here's some info from our glossary that may help you give words to your feelings;

Derealization - This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though the world around them is not real, that they are in a dreamlike state and detached from their feelings. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).

Depersonalization – This is one of a number of symptoms of CPTSD and is a form of dissociation in which a person feels as though they are not real, that they are disconnected from themselves, and are somewhat distant or detached from what is happening to them. This maladaptive strategy is used when CPTSD sufferers face overwhelming trauma they cannot escape from (as in childhood abuse).

[Not Alone]

Are you familiar with grounding? It might be helpful to you. Some grounding techniques that help me: feel feet on floor, feel chair sitting on, cup of coffee (smell, touch, taste, hear (I slurp), name 5 things I can hear, 5 things I can feel, see, taste, smell, soft blanket. The following website describes grounding more and gives many suggestions.
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/grounding101

I hear you, Marta. You're not alone.

[marta1234]

Thank you 3R and notalone for your help. I still feel like grounding techniques are just too much for me, or maybe I just see it as pushing back the pain.

I didn't know who to say this, or who to tell. But I thought to myself, no more silence. Today I took a walk with my brother, who has been an abuser in my life. And we talked about mental disorders. And then trauma. And it so * hurt. It hurt me so bad when we were talking. He asked me, "you know flight or fight mode? When you are near death?" And I just froze in my mind. Because sadly, he is the one that made me feel that. He was an abuser in my life. Although now, I'm completely detached from him and he no longer does much of the stuff he did in the past, he did do them to me. And so when he asked that question, of course I wanted to say yes. Yes I have felt that. Yes, I have felt like I'm about to die. Yes, I've felt that I have given up my body to him.

I'm so thankful that there are people who listen. I'm so thankful for this forum. I'm so thankful that there are real people, who will protect me, and won't do the things that he did to me. I'm so thankful that abusers are not the only people in this world. So I just wanted to say a thank you to everyone who has contributed to this forum, who share their experience so we, survivors, don't feel alone like our abusers have taught us.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, Marta, for this reminder: "I'm so thankful that abusers are not the only people in this world."

I get into periods when I find it hard to believe that yes, there indeed are others who do get it. Sadly, those understanding sorts are often survivors themselves, but that actually gives more credibility to what they do say. They've nothing to lose, have endured some of the worst parts of life and -- survived.

Thanks again for your insights, Marta. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[owl25]

I'm sorry for everything you are going through.