m1234 journal: one foot forward?

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Hope67

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #75 on: August 10, 2020, 01:42:48 PM »
Hi Marta,
That little part/exile who shared that dream, I just wanted to say that it was a big thing that she did that - and I hope you feel ok for the fact she shared it, and that your protector parts also feel ok about it.  I really want to say something helpful, but maybe a very gentle hug of support might be of benefit, if it feels safe to receive that (if not, it's ok)  :hug:

Hope  :)

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #76 on: August 10, 2020, 02:53:22 PM »
Thank you Hope, your support and hugs will always be well received! :)

It is weird though, when I wrote that and started using kid vocabulary like ďmonster, bigĒ I just saw myself warping into this little girl, young.

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Hope67

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #77 on: August 15, 2020, 03:16:50 PM »
 :hug:

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #78 on: August 31, 2020, 05:09:46 PM »
Thank you Hope for your hugs, sending you some too  :hug:

I feel so broken today. Why do I push myself until I physically hurt, and even then, I could still push it until I die. I push myself to do things, for other people, and tell them, ďItís okay, i can do it todayĒ even if I can tell them i wonít do it today but maybe next week?
I donít get it. I feel frustrated at myself. I listened to myself the whole day, and when I was asked to do something, I looked at myself, waiting for a response. But none came. And so I assumed I was ok and I had energy to help. But here I am, in agony and in physical pain. Why canít my parts tell me when Iím pushing myself? Why canít they tell me ďno, not today. Youíre too tired. You need to rest.Ē.

Iím sorry this was rambly. Iíve been having EFs for 2 days straight.

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Hope67

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #79 on: August 31, 2020, 06:56:52 PM »
Hi Marta - thank you for the hug, and sending you another one  :hug:  Sounds like you've had a tough day, and also the last couple of days - EFs for 2 days straight, that's a lot.  I wondered if your parts are very young, and maybe that they can't tell you that you're pushing yourself, because maybe they don't know how to say that, or even if they can say that.  I don't know if that makes sense - and I hope you don't mind my saying that, it's what came to my mind from what you said.  I hope that you can get some rest because I think you deserve to rest and recuperate. 
Hope  :)

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owl25

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #80 on: August 31, 2020, 11:58:51 PM »
Hi marta, I hope you can get some rest too. That's tough, not recognizing you've reached a limit, and ending up well past it. Is there anything you can do right now to take care of yourself? For me, right now, I'm giving myself permission to take some down time and I am wrapped in my favourite blanket. Sending hugs and I hope the EFs let up  :hug:

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #81 on: September 01, 2020, 01:31:58 AM »
Thank you Owl and Hope for your support. Sending love back too  :hug:
I think you are right Hope, that these parts donít have the language capacity to express this. It is very saddening if I think about it.
Thank you for your care Owl, itís just that right now Iím in a very triggering situation (car malfunction before a family trip) so Iím just trying to survive here. Iíll gladly take your advice and wrap myself with warm love. Sometimes wrapping a blanket seems too much work for me.  :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #82 on: September 03, 2020, 12:12:01 AM »
hey, marta,

doing too much rings a bell from my past, and it was difficult and time-consuming to re-train myself to slow down, listen to my body.  i don't know too much about parts, but i know our body talks to us, too, lets us know when it's getting to the breaking point if we listen.  maybe your parts are pre-verbal or too scared to speak up cuz of past consequences when you took time for yourself or said 'no' to someone who wanted you to do something that you didn't want to do.  i know that a lot of us have been pushed too far way too often by the unrealistic expectations of caretakers or others in authority over us.  is it possible you can let your body do the talking for a bit?

i'll add to that blanket of love to wrap yourself in. :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #83 on: September 06, 2020, 08:29:19 AM »
 :hug: Marta, and I hope that you have been able to sort out the car malfunction to get to your family trip ok. 
Hope  :)

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #84 on: September 10, 2020, 12:50:13 PM »
Thank you San and Hope for your support, I felt better after that and have manger to escape reality for a few days in the mountains. :)
However, next week Iím starting university and this week I had to do all the inscriptions. And while watching a video on the schoolís library and online services, I realized I was having an anxiety attack. My heart beat was gradually getting faster and the tension in my forehead was horrible (still is...). Sadly I realized that I must have been anxiety attacks most days when I was finishing high school, because I just remember doing my homework with a fast heartbeat and unbelievable tension in my body. I just feel scared right now that this is my reality. I donít like have anxiety attacks.

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owl25

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #85 on: September 11, 2020, 01:59:11 AM »
I hope the anxiety lessens and that you can find a way to reduce it. I still struggle with that for myself, so I have no magic solution to offer unfortunately, but I really wish I did. I can offer hugs though, if those are of any help. :hug:

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #86 on: September 11, 2020, 03:02:41 AM »
Thank you Owl, hugs are always appreciated. :) Sending support and hugs to you too on your healing journey, even if you are taking a break now  :hug:

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marta1234

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #87 on: September 13, 2020, 12:31:55 AM »
I donít know how to put this into words. A person, that had been a friend (?) in my middle school years (she moved away afterwards), just insulted me (by text) in so many ways that it feels like a punch to the gut. I had initiated the conversation because I was worried (for her) after 2 years of silence, but she reacted by using sarcasm and insults. And now I realized, which I feel like we both came to the conclusion, that for these 3 years after she moved, Iíve kept this fantasy of our friendship in my head. I exaggerated our relationship based on the good feelings I had in middle school, as I felt (at the time) she was the only who understood me.
I feel scared right now. How can a person whom you exaggerated in your head for years have so much power over you? I feel broken. I donít know what to do. Iím so sensitive because my 14 year old part is activated and doesnít know how to cope with this. Imagine, she had this fantasy in her head that this person will always understand her and not say insults at her like everyone was doing to her back home. And now, this person, has done the same thing: insulted her in so many ways and used cruel sarcasm to hurt me.
Iím at a loss of words. This is so triggering.

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woodsgnome

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #88 on: September 13, 2020, 01:14:29 AM »
Feeling for your hurt part, Marta. It's hard as we (or at least I've experienced) have so few solid friends to begin with.

No words do justice now; only the sorts of feelings which support you with this. Hope it's alright to offer a  :hug:. I wish I could add to it; feel like sharing a cup of calming tea with you; in spirit that's what I'm doing. Please take care -- you are still a wonderful being who deserves better.

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owl25

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Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« Reply #89 on: September 13, 2020, 02:21:58 AM »
I'm sorry that happened marta, you didn't deserve that.  :hug: