m1234 journal: one foot forward?

Started by marta1234, March 07, 2020, 07:38:52 PM

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Not Alone

To 14 year old part, I hear how hurt you are by your friend. I'm so sorry.

marta1234

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I hope my part can process this and is allowed to grieve. It feels like such a loss.
Thank you everyone for being here, you have really helped me to accept my parts as best as I can and learn to be better  :grouphug:

marta1234

I'm going to be staying in our apartment for a week until my family gets back. I am alone. But it feels like old trauma is coming back up. I am in hyper vigilance the whole time, and scared so bad that I can feel throughout my whole body. I can feel that the majority of my parts are terrified to be in their own skin. Last year I also stayed in the apartment alone for a week, but it was such a bad experience. I felt scared everyday, and felt worse when I'd have to come home after school.
Why does cptsd have to be like this? Why do I have to feel all these scars? I'm scared and don't want to feel that anymore (for this one week at least...).

owl25

I find the fear is so, so hard to deal with. Is being alone what is so frightening to you? Or is it because family is away that there is space for trauma to come up?

:hug:

marta1234

I think both. Because family is away, it is so painful to look at everything and not feel the trauma. And because I'm alone, my brain immediately gets triggered into hyper vigilance mode 24/7. It's just hard. My being alone triggers me to a state in the past when my brother would perversely check if I was alone and then only do stuff to me (not s*xual, just physically and verbally abusive). I feel like this is something that I'm deeply ashamed of.

sanmagic7


marta1234

Thank you San for your hugs, there are always appreciated by my younger parts. :) Sending you one back too :hug:

owl25

That's really tough marta  :hug: For me, being alone is my safety. It must be so hard for you to have that feel so unsafe for you. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't cause your brother to do this to you.

Does it help to have the tv or the radio going to get a sense of not being alone? I sometimes like to tune into something that is being broadcast on the radio, because I know other people are on the air in that moment and other people are listening at the same time.

Blueberry

Quote from: owl25 on September 16, 2020, 12:31:23 AM
For me, being alone is my safety. It must be so hard for you to have that feel so unsafe for you. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't cause your brother to do this to you.

:yeahthat: The shame isn't yours either. I'm sorry your B did those things to you. Here is a gentle  :hug:

I remember I used to feel frightened alone at home in many houses. So I'm sending compassion.

Hope67

Dear Marta,
I am sorry that your B did those things to you, and I also would like to offer you a gentle hug  :hug: 

I also feel so much worse (frightened, anxious and many more feelings) if I'm alone in a house - I recall many times in the past when this would be hugely triggering to be in that situation.  I therefore also, like Bluebery said, feel compassion and empathy.

Hope  :)

marta1234

Thank you owl, blueberry and hope for your support. :hug: I still don't understand why it was so hard for me, so I don't have much to add. But I do want to note that many parts find the responsibilities of being alone and memories connected to the "being alone".
I just wanted to answer to Owl that the tv or radio doesn't help, it seems that the TV makes my parts tense (so I haven't used it).

Hope67

Dear Marta,
Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

marta1234

Thank you Hope for your hug, I was very happy to receive it  :) . Sending you a hug too  :hug:

TW: mention of thoughts of s*xual abuse—————————

I have this secret that I've kept to myself for the whole time after it happened. I haven't even managed to utter the words to my therapist. So please be warned if this is a triggering topic.
When I was about 14 (or so), something happened that made me feel a certain way. After my b had done something to me (probably angry and might have used physical force on me), I remember sitting on the cold floor and feeling that my body has been used. My b has never s*xually abused me, but at that moment I felt like he had. Like he had r*ped me. And I feel shame thinking about that. Partly because I don't know why would I think something so serious that didn't actually happen, and I know that a lot of people here have had that happen to them. So I have never wanted to belittle that kind of abuse. 

Not Alone

Marta,
I read your post. I hear you. I believe you. Your feelings about what happened matter.

marta1234

Thank you for your support notalone. Sending you a hug filled with gratitude :hug: