m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[Blueberry]

I read your post too Marta. I believe you. Your feelings count. I don't feel as if the CSA done to me is belittled by your experience at all. Sending you a supportive

[owl25]

Your experiences do not invalidate others' experiences. What happened to you and how you feel about it is real and valid. 

[marta1234]

Thank you Blueberry and Owl. Sending hugs to you both too  . Thank you for always supporting me. It sometimes feels strange that people actually say the opposite of what my IC tells me everyday. That instead of bad things that I always here from myself/internalization of b , people (close to me) tell me good things.

[marta1234]

Tw: mention of physical abuse

I don't know how to say this in words. I want to say that I've always been silent about these things, but more it feels like I don't want to show the world how much my b's abuse on me affected me. At first, when I was little, I think I showed that what he did to me constantly affected me badly. But I think when I got older, like 11 and 12ish, there no longer was indifference from after he had done something, but shame and disgust at me. I remember if I would cry, he would laugh. If I would look worse after him hitting me or forcing me to do something, he would verbally abuse me, and would make me feel more afraid of him if I showed I felt worse afterwards (I hope this makes sense). At the end, it just became this cycle, where he would hit me, I would wait until he stopped, then find a quiet place to cry until my body could no longer cry. And then, after I had cried out my eyes as much as I could, I would wipe my face or splash some water, and practice smiling in the mirror so I don't look so red. And then I would leave, hoping my b didn't notice anything.

Even writing this out now I want to minimize all the physical abuse that I endured. Because I realize that this was my reality for years, everyday. And I so badly didn't want to show anyone that I was becoming so affected by it, for one, because I was afraid, but for the most part, because I didn't want to let him win. I remember telling myself to not be so sensitive to the horror and to not be weak because of what my b did to me everyday. I remember repeating this mantra in school and at home. In bed and during sports. At 12 years old and at 17 years old.
I feel very scared these days. But I'm ok. And I realize I've been telling myself that I'm ok ever since I was a little girl. I don't think I'm ok. I don't think I'm ok, world.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
I just wanted to send you a very gentle hug of support, if that's ok   
Hope 

[marta1234]

Thank you Hope  . Hope you're doing well and sending you lots of support

[Jazzy]

Hi Marta. It is great that you are able to speak up now, and say that you are not ok. That is great progress. Your B is not here any more. I believe one day, you will be ok. Not just saying so, but really ok. Sending you strength and support.  if it helps.

[marta1234]

Thank you Jazzy for your support  .

[Not Alone]

Marta, really brave of you to make the statement that you are not okay. This is a safe place to be "not okay." You were affected by your brother's cruel abuse. You have a right to all your feelings.

[marta1234]

Thank you Notalone for your validation. I seem to realize the true meaning behind not being ok. It gives some power back to me when I wrote the sentence down.

[owl25]

 

[marta1234]

Thank you Owl for the big hug. I very much needed it. 

[marta1234]

I found myself doing something other people have talked about, reading and scrolling by other's posts to delay writing in my journal. There is this thing that I've never told anyone out of fear. I've had it since I was in middle school. The "adult life" fear.
I fear being an adult (I'm in my first year of studies, living with my parents). I have feared having a job. I fear moving out. I fear having to do anything for my career. I fear having a future. I fear having responsibilities. And I know this sounds stupid or silly. I don't know why I have this terrifying fear, that has haunted me everyday in my school work and "future" aspirations.
This has made me feel alone, detached from people close to me. It reminds me of my childhood, when I'd feel alone with all my trauma and reality.

[Not Alone]

Your fears (or any of your feelings) are not silly.

[marta1234]

Thank you Notalone.  I need to remind myself to stop minimizing my my feelings or past trauma.