m1234 journal: one foot forward?

Started by marta1234, March 07, 2020, 07:38:52 PM

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marta1234

Thank you Blueberry for your concern.  :hug: I have to say though that fortunately, I do have an understanding family, and I know that if anything were to happen between me and my brother, they would come and defend me in a second. I know that I have that "privilege" (although I hate using that word) that many of you don't. I'm very grateful for that. However, present apologies don't erase the bad memories from the past.

I'm very grateful for this community and the support. I will remind myself, as Blueberry said, to come here for support when the real holiday comes around. :grouphug:


marta1234

Thank you Hope for the hug. Sending you a big one back! :bighug:

owl25

That sounds really hard with the sleeping arrangements. I agree, see if something else can be arranged if at all possible. I don't think it's unreasonable to want your own space. It's hard when certain things have always been done a certain way, it becomes expected somehow, and it's very hard to break away from it just because. But you are allowed to speak up and you are allowed to have your own space.  :hug:

marta1234

Thank you Owl for your words, I forget that I can speak up. This time however, no better arrangements can be done as it's pretty cramped and there is no extra space. I'm still very thankful for everyone's care, and I do understand that the emotional toll on me will be immense, but I do want to spend time with my parents and other brother during the festivities.

Journal entry 14.12.2020:

I've failed two things: my schoolwork and a gift that I've been working on for two months for my mother (it's an album). My schoolwork I failed because I fail it always. I never feel I've done enough, and every time I work harder than the average student, I still get the worst grades because my language skills are below normal (below the language level of a 10th grader). And I failed to finish my gift on time because I won't have time to complete it until the end of this week, and Christmas is already coming but it probably won't be created and shipped back to me until next year.

Tw: extreme self loathing, mention of PA

I hate myself. I hate that I try to make it all perfect but fail to do so. Schoolwork is just so hard, from a young age I'd be "helped" by my b for my schoolwork and left alone with him. I'll just say, that trying to learn with my abuser (who got worse with the years), afraid of any mistake I'd make, did not help me at all. This process, that happened many times during my school years, traumatized me, because here I was left alone in a room, supposed to "study" with a person that a day before or in the future (will) physically a*use(d) me. But I had to sit there and receive all of his critiques.
School was not an escape for me. It was a reminder of what people can do, with their role as a teacher. Because my b's shadow haunted me from a very young age, I took what was happening at home and copied it to the school environment. What happened to me at home was: my b could the day or moments before hurt me with physical pain and EA, and then go into this "teacher" role, being all nice and "teaching" me to do this or that, and immediately afterwards go back to EA and PA towards me hours after or the next day.
Although teachers never did that to me, I consciously assumed that there is still danger of that being a possibility as it was happening at home, so I saw my b in all the teachers, and feared them all the time.

I hope some of this makes sense, I'm trying to patch things in my past. Any way, the failures that I mentioned above are still gnawing at me, and my IC is very rampant right now. I realize that most of my IC is actually my b's voice and all of the horrible things he has said to me.

owl25

Can your two brothers share the room instead of you with one of them? (I assume other brother will be staying as well?) Or can you sleep on the couch? (not sure if that helps)

marta1234

I can sleep on the couch, thank you for your care Owl. Sending you a big hug (when you're ready to receive) because I know you've been having a difficult time :hug:

marta1234

#142
I have this big shame when I think of Christmas. I feel ashamed when I don’t have the energy to buy/make gifts for my family members. It’s like my worth is the present’s value (how creative it good it is). I feel like this has come from my childhood, when I was afraid of being emotionally neglected by my parents, so I had to show my love for them through gifts. However, the painful truth was that at the time (as I wasn’t able to buy anything) when I was young I wasn’t able to make “nice things”. I mean when you’re 11, 12 years old you aren’t the best artist.
Christmas just makes me afraid. I feel like it’s the trauma resurfacing. Maybe I’m afraid that I’ll be alone next year. I feel that every year I didn’t know if I’d make it to the next year, and these feelings always came up at Christmas time or New Year’s.
I feel scared, restless, in pain.

Tw: mention of PA
Edit: I had this realization come to me. One of my parts has been holding this in. I am afraid of failing any school work because of possible PA repercussions. When I was young, as my brother taught me things in different subjects when needed, I was always afraid of disapproving him and making a mistake. Although I never received any PA because of bad school grades, I was always afraid of it happening as I would be physically a*used every other day. This is why I have always feared teachers of any sort.

Blueberry

marta, I'm sorry you seem to having a really stressful and hard time these past few days. Your long post on Dec. 14th makes a lot of sense to me.  :hug: :hug:

As I think san once said to me: that ICr can just pipe down!! I find present-making and wrapping and sending really stressful. I'm not sure what all is behind it, but definitely FOO stuff. If as in your case and mine there was a lot of EA then ime all sorts of seemingly easy every day activities can be really, really difficult and don't get done in time etc etc. It's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on what was done to you! 

Perfectionism? Often there seems to be trauma behind it. For me too. My T says that humans are by nature imperfect. Not as an excuse to abusers or anything like that but to remind me that this 110% perfectionism that FOO expected in various situations and that I strove to reach in an attempt to avoid EA and CSA is and was unattainable. Ignore if that's not relevant to your situation.

I'm so glad you'll be able to sleep on the couch and hope you'll feel safer there. Sending  :hug: :hug: :grouphug: comfort and lots of good energy from the forum to ease the pain and fear. There will be people on the forum in the coming days and at Christmas, so just reach out!

marta1234

Thank you Blueberry, your hugs brought a big smile for me :) . Thank you for your insights, I do think too that I strived to be 110% as you said to avoid EA and PA. Thank you again for reminding me to come by the forum when it is Christmas. Sending you a bundle of hugs back  :hug:

marta1234

How to write this. I'm very scared and have been contemplating whether to write it.
I'm in an EF. A scary one.

TW: tmi, mention of EA
It feels like my whole body is in pain, and I want to run away but I can't. I was so afraid that I might (tw: tmi) thr*w up.
I received help from my brother for a school paper. And I don't feel relief. I feel scared. When I gave it in, my first thought wasn't that I was thankful for my brother's help, but that this shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be afraid of receiving his help, and when I do, I shouldn't feel like I'm supposed to thank the gods. I also know that in my childhood he would use whatever he had helped me with as leverage, and make me do things for him. I feel so scared even talking about it.
And so I don't know if I even feel grateful for his "help". It feels so fleeting. Why did I have to go through this? Why did he choose me as his scapegoat, as his slave?

Blueberry


marta1234

Thank you Blueberry  :hug: . I caught myself thinking that I don't deserve a hug or love. My IC is rampant right now. This might have been a thing my b would say. It feels sad if it's true.

Bach

marta, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here and reading.  You do deserve hugs and love, so here are some!  :hug: :bighug: :grouphug:

marta1234

Thank you Bach, the hug warmed my heart.  :hug:

I've been thinking, how do you deal with failure? I've been having a routine for 3 weeks now (running once each 2 days), but today I failed to do the run that I was supposed to (I mismatched my clothes, put too much on and it became too hot). And I realized that after that mistake, I constantly was/am looking for things to do to feel productive and that this day was not a waste. It is very confusing. I feel so much in my mind, my IC going on and on. It scares me though that I can faintly distinguish voices in my mind. They are becoming louder and louder. Sometimes I feel that they are tracks of EA (insults) that my b would say to me, playing over and over. Now though I hear a voice in my head saying it all.