m1234 journal: one foot forward?

marta1234 · January 17, 2021, 11:47:11 AM

Thank you Hope

It felt validating that you shared the same struggles.

I wanted to write something, but now feel completely disconnected. A part has come by with its role of dissociation, and is protecting me from pain. I know that.

Edit: I came back. I want to chuckle. I find this funny, but I know that this is my defensive mechanism (laughter is my protective measure). A while back I talked about school and the pressures that I felt that I could not deal with. It lead me to barely finishing my high school years (mentally). I felt horrible, everyday at school (even in my last years) was a cycle of shame and torment of fear.
Some posts ago, I delved into the why and thought about the times that my b (abuser) would "try to teach" me and how uncomfortable and honestly upsetting/traumatizing it was to be pushed to sit next to him and try to understand and "learn", when I was completely frozen next time, with memories of his abuse (I don't know if this makes sense). Sadly, my school trauma/experience doesn't end there. I was in constant fear with my grades and academic achievements because of my parents. I didn't want to lose their approval, but most of all, I didn't want to lose their love. My whole life I've been teetering on this log; do my parents still love me (and will show care and affection), or do they no longer love me, taking away any affection or care, ignoring me in the end? Although it never came to completely "ignoring", this is one of my true fears. It somehow never seemed that their love was always there, I felt (and was in constant fear) that it could slip away in a moment.

I feel sad, and emotionless. This is how trauma shows itself, it protects the deep with the small (when it's too much to bear imo). It is interesting to note that, for most of my years, I only felt anger at my FOO for the relentless abuse from my b, never could see the possibility that the responsibility and fault lies in b. And here, I felt anger towards my b, picturing that it's his fault in creating my school trauma, and although he did add to it, in the end, the real responsibility lies in my parents.

Blueberry · January 17, 2021, 12:49:21 PM

marta1234 · January 17, 2021, 02:22:55 PM

BB, back at you too

sanmagic7 · January 17, 2021, 05:35:35 PM

it amazes me, sometimes, how we can link and re-link our past traumas to various people. i related so much to what you said about ultimately, it belongs to your parents. i can't tell you how many times in therapy i've processed something or some situation with a particular person in mind, and i suddenly jump backwards to my folks, how i was raised, how that affected the decisions i've made later on. i do believe that people can be held accountable for their actions, and i also believe that for many of my decisions to stay involved w/ abusive people it goes back to my experiences in childhood. you really rang a bell with me, marta.

so, onward. on step at a time, ok? love and hugs

marta1234 · January 17, 2021, 05:44:57 PM

Thank you San for being here and supporting me, means a lot

Sending you love too

marta1234 · January 19, 2021, 01:06:04 AM

TW: discussing emotional e*ting

I have kept this part of myself hidden for so long. I now got ready for bed, but having discussed this topic with my m shortly before, my thoughts kept racing and unable to stop.
I am ashamed of my eating habits, and frequent needs of eating something. I know it's linked to my trauma, food was the only thing that brought me joy (and I feel this is what I'm ashamed of). I feel like crap whenever I think about food or my eating habits, and I can't go to sleep. I hate myself so much right now that I want to sleep to disappear, but at the same time I'm terrified of closing my eyes and letting my body relax.

I'm in so much pain right now. When will this ever end?

sanmagic7 · January 19, 2021, 04:14:24 AM

i'm with you on this, marta. i've got my own struggles with food and eating, so i get it. i believe that as you continue to heal, this will sort itself out for you. as you become more comfortable and comforting with yourself, the cravings will diminish. they have for me, but it's been a process. hang tough, be kind to yourself. you're doing what you know how to do at this time to give yourself some joy, even if it's thru food. you'll get there, i have no doubt. and, know that you're not alone in the struggle. we do the best we can with what we have or what we know. love and hugs

marta1234 · January 19, 2021, 07:40:09 AM

Thank you San so much, I feel very much less alone with this

Blueberry · January 19, 2021, 12:10:46 PM

I hear you too marta. You are not alone in all of that.

marta1234 · January 19, 2021, 12:26:17 PM

Thank you BB

marta1234 · January 21, 2021, 09:35:04 PM

I feel frustrated, discouraged, scared and hearing a lot of negativity towards myself from IC and abusers (internalized) voices.
I'm taking a big leap here. I think the biggest and only and first leap I have ever taken for my mental health. I am keen on starting this 30 day challenge. It starts tomorrow and it's mainly focused on awareness of self (which is why it's the only one I've opened myself up to).
But I'm terrified of failing. I'm terrified of failing every step, because for some reason if I fail, then my worth will be proven to be nothing. I am stressed, my thoughts are running in circles, and I cannot keep still (inside). I am afraid that it might work, I'm afraid of disappointing my abusers, I'm afraid of feeling more. I feel like if I feel more of my pain I might collapse. But then again, I feel already that at any moment I will collapse in myself (whether I feel or not). Strangely enough, I also feel alone. This sense of having been neglected that really impacted me. I feel like a child that wants to run to their caregiver, and be comforted and held tight.

For information (if anyone is interested), this is a 30 day challenge that is started with Richard Grannon. His video on this shows all the links you need (on YouTube). No pressure though, it's very intense, and completely fine if you feel unable to do it right now (for me, I couldn't do it last year because it felt too much).

rainydiary · January 21, 2021, 11:56:03 PM

marta1234 · January 22, 2021, 02:04:53 AM

Back at you too, Rainydiary

Thank you for the hug

Not Alone · January 22, 2021, 11:11:10 PM

Quote from: marta1234 on January 19, 2021, 01:06:04 AM
TW: discussing emotional e*ting

I have kept this part of myself hidden for so long. I now got ready for bed, but having discussed this topic with my m shortly before, my thoughts kept racing and unable to stop.
I am ashamed of my eating habits, and frequent needs of eating something. I know it's linked to my trauma, food was the only thing that brought me joy (and I feel this is what I'm ashamed of). I feel like crap whenever I think about food or my eating habits, and I can't go to sleep. I hate myself so much right now that I want to sleep to disappear, but at the same time I'm terrified of closing my eyes and letting my body relax.

I'm in so much pain right now. When will this ever end?

I have this struggle also. Of all the shameful things that I told my T, it was a really long time before I could share my out of control eating. That's how much shame I felt (and still feel). My T said something impactful to me. "Sugar was your mother." In other words, that's how I received comfort.