m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[marta1234]

TW: mention of "bad memories"

My life just feels so terrible right now. Yesterday, Friday, I had to do a thing with my m. But it just threw me off so badly. I've been dissociated since yesterday's night: I'm scared, I'm afraid for my life. I feel so vulnerable right now. I can't remember anything, who I am, my future desires and my needs. If I try to focus on one thing, only bad memories are coming to me. And I don't want to remember. I can't believe that those memories actually happened.
Now I am hearing a voice saying that what happened to me was never bad. People have had it worse. I've never been phy hurt, or maybe I don't remember. I think I have but...
The things is that before the disaster on Friday, I had been feeling kind of in control. I was aware of my triggers, I was grounding myself and unfolding more of myself and little me. I was feeling clearer than I've been in a long time. And I was happy with my previous therapy session.

I am hoping that writing this out, and posting it will allow me to see that what I feel is real. That I am hurt. I just don't know what to do, but I'm suspecting that having more responsibilities this next week is affecting my other parts really hard.

[sanmagic7]

it was real, marta, it was real.  you were hurt, and even this self-doubt is a consequence of being hurt to the point of abuse and trauma.  when we feel whole and strong, we don't doubt ourselves, but when a trigger brings up the memories, it's because those memories are real. 

breathe and then breathe again.  a former member used to say that  to anyone struggling to get their feet back under them, and it was surprising how helpful that reminder was. 

as far as other people and what they went thru, worse or better doesn't count here.  your own abuse is what has affected you, so that means it was not good.  period.  i've discovered along the way that comparing myself to others usually only makes myself feel worse.  we can't compare in any tangible way because we are all different as individuals.

thanks for posting, marta.  may i send you love and a gentle hug full of caring and comfort?

[marta1234]

Thank you, San. I am in real need of comfort.
I am now mentally checking in with myself and deciding to take some steps back for the next week. So I don't push myself. I think I haven't been true to myself, how much this temporary change and responsibilities are bringing back bad memories and affecting me. I am always going to be grateful for this forum and the support.

I'm  hoping I can hang out a bit on the Healing Porch, and let my little parts rest. They have been very overwhelmed lately.

[Snowdrop]

I'm  hoping I can hang out a bit on the Healing Porch, and let my little parts rest. They have been very overwhelmed lately.

This sounds like a great idea. I love how you're listening to what your parts need, and the compassion you're showing towards them.

[woodsgnome]

"One foot forward" is so incredibly hard, but also very significant. I know while I was at the Healing Porch, the lyrics of the following sing rang across the waters. I'd like to share that song here, if it's okay ... to hear it, go to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYy1qvsK82E

Sending you support as you discover your new path. 

[Not Alone]

I struggle with believing my memories too. That makes it all even more painful.

Do what you can to bring yourself and the Littles comfort.

[marta1234]

Thank you woodsgnome and notalone for your replies. Also, I tried to listen to the song but I am still not able to listen through it all, brings back painful emotions. Hopefully I'll be able to.

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Journal entry 10.03.20

I feel so defeated and depleted. Prior one week, I had talked with my therapist and told her I wanted to find someone who was more trauma specialized. She had given me a list of names and I booked with one clinical psychologist.
Today I had the appointment. Immediately coming and sitting down, I felt so scared of her. The psychologist asked me to tell me "my story". I started talking a bit about me having complex trauma, as that was my main reason for coming. Diverting from that. she asked me about my history but I couldn't really tell her. She then used some cards to help. At the end, I brought up "complex ptsd" again. I said that I "think" I might have it. She kind of questioned me, and said if I really wanted to she could try and give me the questions to fill out for ptsd.

I just wanted to tell her that I know I have it and that all I need is help. I have done months of research on every site that I could find, and I know the symptoms list of complex ptsd by heart. She only found me saying that "I want to be able to manage my life, my day and not be in the past all the time" interesting. I tried to tell her how I felt, started using the word "dissociating every time" but she quickly gave me a surprised look and implied that I don't really know what the word means. I didn't even start talking about EFs, or then she would've probably retorted another big "you probably don't know what that means".
It's just so frustrating. I felt so invalidated and the littles were just completely scared. I couldn't even really listen to myself while I was talking because at the end I felt like all that information that I have learned of not pushing myself too much was invalid.
Especially at the end, when she told me to "check with your ps about the insurance", as if my ps would do it.

I scheduled another appointment for next week, but I don't know how this will help. At least with my last therapist, I felt safe and not scared. I guess I'm just tired of trying to find the "right" therapist, therapists don't really have much information about complex ptsd.

----------
After calming myself down, I think the woman might have reminded the littles of my f, as there have been multiple times before when my mental health and what "I thought my problem was" was discussed with him.

[sanmagic7]

hmmm . . . i don't like that she was dismissing what you were saying and coming back with other suggestions, like questions for ptsd with denied what you said about c-ptsd.  she may not be a good fit for you - i'm seeing a lot of red flags already.

hopefully, if you give her another chance, things will be different.  if not, maybe you can find someone who's a better fit.  good luck with this - finding a new therapist is an experimental procedure.  i do hop you find someone with whom you find comfortable quickly.  love and hugs

[marta1234]

Thanks san for your reply, I haven't been able to have another session with the therapist because of all the stuff going on.

I just wanted to say something:
I don't feel like I belong here anymore, because recently I have opened up about my past and what happened to me to my mother. And she seemed open and there. The thing is that now I probably realize that I might have a family that cares about me (except for my b), and so I just feel like my problems aren't as bad as everyone's here, especially when everyone talks about their FOO and their troubles with that.
And now I feel selfish inside, thinking like this.

[Not Alone]

If being on this site is helpful to you, then you are welcome to stay. Your issues, pain, growth, victories are all valid and you are worthy to be heard.

[sanmagic7]

 

marta, there have been quite a few discussions over the years of people comparing what they've gone thru to what others here have gone thru.  it truly is like notalone said - if it's helpful for you, you are more than welcome. 

i believe that as individuals, what we've gone thru is individual, too - it hits us differently, has different effects on us, and encourages us to make decisions we might not have made if our perspectives hadn't gotten distorted.  this isn't all about FOO - so much of my own trauma came well into my adult years. 

it's ok to do what's best for you.  if you want to take a break from the forum, see how it goes, that's fine.  if you don't, that's also fine.  if you take a break and decide you want more support and/or ideas, you can always come back and no one will think any less of you.  this is your health and well-being, so your approach to it is what's best to you.  personally, i noticed that when i've compared myself to others, it usually didn't work out well for me.  but, that's just me.  maybe it's worthwhile to you.

so, no judgments, blame or shame here.  take care of you first, always, no matter how that shakes out.  we're here for you if you want.  sending love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad that your mother seemed open and there when you opened up to her.

I echo what the others have said. You are welcome here, your experiences are valid, and their impact on you is real. I don't think you're being selfish.

I think that some people here have troubles with their FOO, and other people don't. For me, the key thing is the impact that your experiences have had on you, irrespective of whether or not they concern your FOO.

[Three Roses]

Imo if you receive support, information, or anything beneficial from this forum, you should stay. You do belong. No matter how you are treated now, there was a time when you were not treated well.

Here's an analogy - if I trip and fall and hurt my leg, and the doctor says I need physical therapy to recover completely - would I say, "I just won't trip anymore, I'll walk somewhere else"?

Damage is damage and can't be compared, really. It varies so widely you can't say what should or shouldn't hurt you.

But I respect your decision to stay or go. Whatever you decide, our good wishes follow you.

Regarding your experience with your therapist - her comments worry me about her level of trauma-informedness (my new word  )...

She kind of questioned me, and said if I really wanted to she could try and give me the questions to fill out for ptsd. ... She only found me saying that "I want to be able to manage my life, my day and not be in the past all the time" interesting. I tried to tell her how I felt, started using the word "dissociating every time" but she quickly gave me a surprised look and implied that I don't really know what the word means.

Very concerning imo. It's so difficult to find someone that you click with, and who is informed about this. If she thinks ptsd and cptsd are interchangeable I don't think I would go back, or if I did I would take information in with me. (I did this with my last therapist, I printed out information for him and recommended some books. He took it well.)

I also think if you haven't already read "The Body Keeps The Score" and "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving", you would really benefit from them. For one, you would see that feeling like you're reliving the past all the time is something that's very common to cptsd and that it can be dealt with.

Finally, here's a link to downloads you may find helpful - as I'm just returning from a break from the forum, please forgive me if you've already said you have this info. https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

[Blueberry]

I'm glad that your mother seemed open and there when you opened up to her.

I echo what the others have said. You are welcome here, your experiences are valid, and their impact on you is real. I don't think you're being selfish.

I think that some people here have troubles with their FOO, and other people don't. For me, the key thing is the impact that your experiences have had on you, irrespective of whether or not they concern your FOO.

 

I echo those who gently warn against comparing. Unfortunately it almost seems to go with the diagnosis, this "I don't belong here, what happened to me and/or the way FOO treats me now isn't as bad as it is for the rest of you are treated." I compare myself negatively in that way too and have been doing so all my life.  "My trauma doesn't count because it's only emotional" or something. It's not helpful, nor is it even true, but I do it sometimes anyway, though getting less. You're welcome here if you have cptsd and want to recover. End of.   

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
I am glad you're here, and wanted to send you a safe hug, if that's ok, 
Hope