Feeling disconnected, different and then depressed

[brightlight]

I fairly recently started an exercise group which is on twice a week. It's a league, so we are all members. I have been through a long period of depression including serious suicide thoughts although this is currently not as intense.

I find it really hard to 'be myself' or connect to many of the people there. There are a couple of people who are easier to talk to. I also struggle zoning out and tear up a lot and generally I think it is pretty obvious people think somethings not right or that I'm weird or have mental health problems. They go out to the pub after class once a week and although I want to go or at least feel I should go I would struggle with the noise and open spaces, feeling I'm going to freeze up and end up feeling even worse.

I feel when people pick partners or pair up etc no one wants to go with me or this is my perception. New people have started and they seem to have connected straight away. When we have to speak to give instructions or in the circle I am so quiet and worry I come across like I'm immature or shy which I'm not. It makes me feel dreadful like I'm never going to have a fulfilling life. 

Does anyone else have this issue?

[saylor]

I do, brightlight

The older I get, the worse it seems. There's a part of me that wants a connection with others... a social circle, I guess you could say, but it's very hard for me. I feel like such a misfit, and like ppl can "smell" the weird on me. I feel like I say all the wrong things. I get triggered very easily, by the "stupidest" stuff. Public venues are tough, because I get way overstimulated and even panicky. And I know I'll be hyper-analyzing every word (mine and others'), every facial expression, even every tone of voice, afterwards, which is exhausting, and always ends badly for me....

I get it. My "solution" has been to isolate socially. I'm not necessarily recommending it, though. Apparently, our kinds of wounds (esp. attachment wounds) require healthy human connection to heal

[brightlight]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles too Saylor.

I was very isolated for a few years due to physical and mental ill health but I'm really trying to connect and establish some sort of a life now I'm in a better place than I was. I worry when people realise the extent of my mental health (CPTSD) or notice the symptoms I've been found out and it somehow make me less of a person. This is shame I guess.

I feel embarrassed I struggle to connect like its a reflection on me. I told myself tonight I can't help this, I imagined me telling someone else with the same problems and this helped me show some self compassion towards myself. I hope this helps you when speaking to your inner critic?

I think the problem is there is little awareness around CPTSD. I said to one of my friends (I do have a few I met separately) There must be other people at my class who struggle like I do. He said to me he doubts people with my difficulties would put themselves through that. What do you do? Do nothing and feel safe or try and feel defeated? Somewhere in between to build establishing safe connections, but how?

Lack of connection to me is like rejection. I realsied this today when I felt upset. I told myself how can I feel rejected if they don't know of my difficulties, the pub was an open invitation and they don't know me.

I just wish there was more help to help with healthy human connection to help us to heal. We deserve it.

[Rainagain]

Bright light,

I agree with your friend, few people in your position would put themselves through the strain of the classes like you do.

Take a moment and recognise how courageous that is.

I couldn't do that.

I think you should feel good about yourself for this success, dont look at others to see if they 'fit in' more easily, you are in there doing the class, that is amazing, to me anyway as I couldn't do that.

You are not defeated if connection with others is not as good as you think it could be, you are in there trying to make connections.

I have gone for ridiculous levels of isolation because I cant really do much else and have given up, but you havent, you are doing things bravely.

[brightlight]

Rainagain,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I try because I enjoy the classes and want to get more out of my life. Sometimes with this and work (which my employers don't understand how difficult battling to function throughout the day) I become so unbelievably tired where I'll come home and sleep for hours and hours over days at a time.

I worry how others perceive me but I'm trying to get into my head people think more about themselves than others - the spotlight is not always on me. People don't know your not confident either (unless anxiety takes over) so I think 'fake it til you change (make)  it' is a good adage.

[LucySnowe]

Dear brightlight,

I'm appreciative of this topic and your sharing what you have. I came looking for resonance, shared experience and a sense of connection, and you've helped give it to me. I really identify with what you've shared, and heartily agree that our world needs better understanding and better support for people with our disorder.

I told a friend recently that after seeing the movie Rainman, I wished so badly that there was an institution for me like the one that Raymond (the autistic character) lives in, where people understood my limitations and needs, knew how to and could care for me, and could explain it to other people—could defend and protect me, in a way.

She seemed to understand, and she has worked hard to understand what it is like for me, but now I am in a very difficult life situation, feel that she is not being appropriately concerned or caring, am angry, and have pushed her away, along with another friend who has been a recent ally. Not to mention the hardship of encountering new social situations and making new friends. I've been feeling quite defeated lately (I think I will write a separate post about this).

But I really related to the parts about feeling tired and having suicide ideation. In a book I've been reading about cptsd, the author discusses suicide ideation as a feature of the disorder, part of emotional flashbacks from childhood, but I think what is perhaps underestimated is the effect of struggling to live in an unfriendly and misunderstanding world—how difficult it is to struggle day after day, and have people assume you're the same as them, and then react with disappointment and judgment or alienation when you're not.

Anyway, I suppose you may want and need encouragement, and I'm not in the best place to offer it, outside of solidarity. I think what you are doing is very brave, and that self-compassion is a wonderful practice. I wish the world had better resources for people like us.

P.S. I like your screen name.

[saylor]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles too Saylor.
[...]
What do you do? Do nothing and feel safe or try and feel defeated? Somewhere in between to build establishing safe connections, but how?

It's interesting that you ask that question. I had been wondering that, as well. I used to try really hard to "fit in" and "act normal", as well as, just in general, to really put myself out there and achieve (and, I guess, hopefully impress people and be accepted, along the way). I was in this mode from high school age and for decades onward—until very recently, in fact. For me, that approach didn't seem to pay off. I think it just left me exhausted and disillusioned. It feels like nothing of any real, lasting value came of it, after all that effort!! I'm not sure I'd say I regret it, but only because then I'd probably always wonder whether I had tried hard enough, and kick myself for the "what-ifs", otherwise. Nowadays, I've gone in the complete opposite direction. I have trouble making any real effort in life. I really do feel like I've given up. I have massively cut down on my day-to-day stress, and that is nice, but I'm disappointed that the alleviation of stress has not made me happier. I'm mostly just depressed and unambitious now. There seems to be no place that feels right, doable, and satisfying

[Rainagain]

Saylor,

That's is exactly where I am, I've avoided stress but have arrived at depressed and unambitious.

It could be a place from which to build something better.

If I could be bothered.

I am trying not to see it as a starting point but to accept it as the new me in my new reality, as the end point.

I think age is relevant, i am mid fifties so it's sort of ok not to be ambitious or connected to other people in the way that it seems younger people are.

I think cptsd is more difficult for younger people, at my age i feel little pressure to fit in, succeed, be sociable etc.

[LucySnowe]

I, too, wonder if periods—even long ones—of depression and stuckness can actually be generators/incubators for the next phase. It has seemed so to me based on some personal experience, direct and indirect. I think there could be more there, more happening, than it seems. And that it may be a natural stage following acceptance and the kind of loss and letting go that entails. Thoughts?

[brightlight]

Saylor and Rainagain - I think a period of being away from other people can help heal in order to make more satisfying connections and or propel us to better situations.

[...]

I used to try really hard to "fit in" and "act normal", as well as, just in general, to really put myself out there and achieve (and, I guess, hopefully impress people and be accepted, along the way). I was in this mode from high school age and for decades onward—until very recently, in fact. For me, that approach didn't seem to pay off. I think it just left me exhausted and disillusioned. It feels like nothing of any real, lasting value came of it, after all that effort!! I'm not sure I'd say I regret it, but only because then I'd probably always wonder whether I had tried hard enough, and kick myself for the "what-ifs", otherwise. Nowadays, I've gone in the complete opposite direction. I have trouble making any real effort in life. I really do feel like I've given up.

I think its satisfying to know you have tried at something even in vain and if its not worked out you don't have the 'what if' niggling at you. So well done for trying.

I am in my thirties and still want connections and to make an effort. However find it difficult. If I do connect and someone hurts me I find it difficult to trust again. This goes for work colleagues, friends and dating. I'm trying to aim to have 'safe' connections and good environments albeit work etc if I can make it happen and build from there.

LucySnowe - 'generators/incubators' for the next phase - I agree with you in some circumstances. The trouble with CPTSD as I mentioned above being hurt effects future relationships and scenarios (work or being in a group of people) Taking it step by step and knowing when to step away without shutting out the good is a healthy first step.